"They won"t even talk to a human. They"re fairly choosy about talking to most dwarfs, to tell you the truth."
"That"s daft!" said Vimes. "How do they get food? You can"t live on fungi! How do they trade ore, dam streams, get wood for shoring up their shafts?"
"Well, either other dwarfs are paid to do it or humans are employed," said Cheery. "They can afford it. They"re very good miners. Well, they own very good mines, in any case."
"Sounds to me they"re a bunch of - " Vimes stopped himself. He was aware that a wise man should always respect the folkways of others, to use Carrot"s happy phrase, but Vimes often had difficulty with this idea. For one thing, there were people in the world whose folkways consisted of gutting other people like clams and this was not a procedure that commanded, in Vimes, any kind of respect at all.
"I"m not thinking diplomatically, am I?" he said. Cheery watched him with a carefully blank expression.
"Oh, I don"t know about that, sir," she said. "You didn"t actually finish the sentence. And, well, a lot of dwarfs respect them. You know... feel better for seeing them."
Vimes looked puzzled. Then understanding dawned.
"Oh, I get it," he said. "I bet they say things like "Thank goodness people are keeping up the old ways," eh?"
"That"s right, sir. I suppose that inside every dwarf in Ankh-Morpork is a little part of him - or her - that knows real dwarfs live underground."
Vimes doodled on his notepad. "Back home," he thought. Carrot had innocently talked about dwarfs "back home". To all dwarfs far, away, the mountains were "back home". It was funny how people were people everywhere you went, even if the people concerned weren"t the people the people who made up the phrase "people are people everywhere" had traditionally thought of as people. And even if you weren"t virtuous, as you had been brought up to understand the term, you did like to see virtue in other people, provided it did not cost you anything.
"Why have these d"r... these traditional dwarfs come here, though? Ankh-Morpork"s full of humans. They must have their work cut out avoiding humans."
"They"re... needed, sir. Dwarf law is complicated, and there"s often disputes. And they conduct marriages and that sort of thing."
"You make them sound more like priests."
"Dwarfs aren"t religious, sir."
"Of course. Oh, well. Thank you, corporal. Off you go. Any fallout from last night? No sulphurous incontinent cats have come forward to confess?"
"No, sir. The Campaign for Equal Heights has put out a pamphlet saying it was another example of the second-class treatment of dwarfs in the city, but it was the same one they always put out. You know, the one with blanks to fill in the details."
"Nothing changes, Cheery. See you tomorrow morning, then. Send Detritus up."
Why him? Ankh-Morpork was lousy with diplomats. It was practically what the upper classes were for, and it was easy for them because half the foreign bigwigs they"d meet were old chums they"d played Wet Towel Tag with back at school. They tended to be on first-name terms, even with people whose names were Ahmed or Fong. They knew which forks to use. They hunted, shot and fished. They moved in circles that more or less overlapped the circles of their foreign hosts, and were a long way from the rather grubby circles that people like Vimes went around in every working day. They knew all the right nods and winks. What chance had he got against a tie and a crest?
Vetinari was throwing him amongst the wolves. And the dwarfs. And the vampires. Vimes shuddered. And Vetinari never did anything without a reason.
"Come in, Detritus."
It always amazed Sergeant Detritus that Vimes knew he was at the door. Vimes had never mentioned that the office wall creaked and bent inwards as the big troll made his way along the corridor.
"You want to see me, sir."
"Yes. Sit down, man. It"s this Uberwald business."
"Yessir."
"How do you feel about visiting the old country?"
Detritus"s face remained impassive, as it always did when he was waiting patiently for things to make sense.
"Uberwald, I mean," Vimes prompted.
"Dunno, sir. I was just a pebble when we left dere. Dad wanted a better life in der big city."
"There"ll be a lot of dwarfs, Detritus." Vimes didn"t bother to mention vampires and werewolves. Either of those who attacked a troll was making the last big mistake of its career in any case. Detritus carried a 2,000 lb.-draw crossbow as a hand weapon.
"Days Okay, sir. I"m very modern "bout dwarfs."