Willa looked at her in concern. “Yes, he’s expecting you.”
Placing her hand on the counter to steady herself, she went around the counter.
“Ginny, are you okay?”
“I don’t know anymore. That’s why I’m here to talk to Pastor Dean.”
Walking from the kitchen, Ginny went back to the front of the church to knock on the pastor’s office door. Hearing his voice from the other side, she went in.
“Good morning, Ginny.” Her pastor stood up and stepped around his desk and took her hand. “Other than the sling, you’re looking much better than the last time I saw you.”
“Thank you for leaving your church to come to the island to help Gavin and me.”
“You’re very welcome. Have a seat.” Pastor Dean motioned for her to take the chair in front of his desk. Then he leaned back on his desk, crossing his arms over his chest, and stared at her appraisingly. “What did you want to discuss with me this morning?”
Looking around his office, Ginny remembered the many times she sat at his desk as he helped her finish school work. Sitting down, Ginny adjusted her sling rather than meet his eyes.
“I’m here to ask for your help.”
“My help? Is there something you haven’t told Reaper? Has Allerton—”
“No,” she interrupted him. “I need you to help me get my faith back.”
Pastor Dean’s fierce expression cleared. “Why do you feel like you’ve lost faith?”
“Because of Gavin.”
“You lost faith because of Reaper? Has he done something to—”
“No.” Ginny corrected the misconception. “It wasn’t what he did, but what was done to him that made me lose my faith.”
Nodding, Pastor Dean looked down at his shoes. “I see. Go on.”
“I’m so angry at God, that He left Gavin in that hellhole for so many years.” Ginny used her fingers to rub her forehead. “I keep imagining him screaming in pain, pleading for God’s help.” Her hand fell limply to her side. “Sometimes, I feel like he’s still screaming for help.”
Ginny blinked back tears. “I don’t know what to do to make the screaming stop. Whatever they did affected him sexually.” Blushing, Ginny forced herself to go on. “He doesn’t discuss things with me, and I don’t ask, because I think it will take the small piece of faith I have left. Have you ever had a crisis of faith?”
“I did … right before Willa and I married,” he admitted.
“How did you get your faith back?”
“My crisis was different. I didn’t lose faith in God; I lost faith in myself that I could serve God the way I believed He deserved to be served.”
Ginny remembered when he stepped away from the church.
“Willa helped you find your way back to the church,” she stated.
“Yes, she did.”
“I’m glad. The church wasn’t the same without you.”
“I missed the church just as badly. It’s hard to turn your back on your beliefs, which is what you’re going through. Our beliefs offer hope and comfort that God will be by our sides, regardless of the situation we find ourselves facing.”
“He wasn’t with Gavin,” Ginny argued.
“He was. God was protecting Reaper until it was time to return him to us. We’re not supposed to understand the reasons different events in our lives play out. God provides the plan, and as believers, we’re expected to do our part by providing the faith to take the steps that fulfill the journeys He sets for us to take, in order to end up where we are meant to be. Some journeys are easier than others. Ginny, your journey has been difficult, yet you never lost your faith. Reaper’s pain and suffering shouldn’t be the reason you lose faith with as much as you love him. When you love someone you can’t take on their pain or suffering; otherwise, we become as lost as they are.”
“What are we supposed to do?”
“Be God’s messenger. Hold him close when he needs to be held, love him when he needs to be loved, and offer him hope when he has lost his.”
“How can I stop the screaming in my head? Am I just imagining it?”
Pastor Dean slipped his hands into his pocket. “You’re hearing his screams. The brothers and I see the pain in his eyes. The abuse Reaper went through was horrific. Perhaps what we’re hearing and seeing is an echo of the man he once was. I truly don’t know.” Pastor Dean rubbed his eyes as if he found it just as unbearable as she did to know the amount of pain Gavin was in.
“What do we do?”
“Keep doing what you’re doing. He’s making headway, slowly, but each of the brothers have seen it. I thought I’d never see him smile again, and I saw him do it several times on the flight back from Sherguevil Island. You can have faith in God, Ginny. He placed you in Gavin’s path. Taylor would have never been able to deal with the horrors that Reaper is dealing with. She always had to be first with him. What he needs now is someone who can give that to him.”