Lizzy: Oh, no. Not the Triplet Code. What are you two up to now? We’re supposed to be stepping away from the madness. Sabrina is happy with Andrew, Jeffrey’s happy with me, the Von Bergens have forgiven us for the twin swap last summer, and you and Nick made it through an entire holiday without killing each other. It’s time to quit with the scandal while we’re ahead.
Zan: Said the girl who tossed her cookies in front of the press.
Lizzy: Well, I couldn’t very well help that. It was unavoidable.
Zan: Really? So birth control was unavailable to you and Jeffrey? Or did the condom fail? Because there ARE things you can do to postpone pregnancy until after the wedding, Elizabeth. Not that I care, but the “Royal Baby out of Wedlock” thing has been the lead story in the gossip rags all week.
Lizzy: Okay, fine. That part wasn’t unavoidable. I may have urgently needed to bang Jeffrey in the library one night when the condoms were all the way upstairs in our bedroom. I may have also been positive that I wasn’t in a fertile window and everything would be fine, but…
Zan: Never underestimate the fertile window.
Lizzy: So true. Learned that lesson the hard way.
Zan: But you’re happy, right? About the baby? I mean, aside from the vomiting and the tabloid idiocy?
Lizzy: Oh, yes. Deliriously happy. *smiley face emoji* *sparkling star emoji* *unicorn emoji* Magically, fantastically, awesomely happy. And Jeffrey is, too. We both want a big family. We were planning to start trying right after the wedding anyway. This is just a dream coming true a little early, and I’m not about to complain about that.
Zan: I’m so happy to hear it.
Lizzy: And I’m happy that you’re happy! But I’m NOT going to be happy pretty soon, am I? Not if there’s been a violation of the Triplet Code. Should I go tackle Sabrina and make her tell me all the dirty details? She’s right downstairs, and you know she caves almost immediately under pressure.
Zan: No, this is my secret to tell. To confess, rather. I, um… I may not have gone back to work after Christmas.
Lizzy: You MAY not have gone back? How exactly does that work, Zan? Are there alternate realities involved? Has space-time become more malleable while I’ve been distracted by morning sickness?
Zan: Fine. I DIDN’T go back to work. Or to Switzerland.
Lizzy: Then where did you go? If you’re at Disneyland Paris without Sabrina and me, I will have to kill you. You realize that, don’t you? You promised we’d all go together our first time and buy gaudy tiaras with mouse ears on them and have our picture taken in front of the castle like cheesy tourists.
Zan: Ugh. You couldn’t pay me to go to that place, let alone in the middle of winter. What’s with you and theme parks? They’re not nearly as much fun as they look. That, I DO promise.
Lizzy: Well, I’ve never been to one, so I can’t say for sure, but I know I love cotton candy and popcorn and pretend, and I think I’m going to adore roller coasters. My soul is dying to be set free in a new, screaming-at-the-top-of-my-lungs-in-joyous-terror kind of way.
Zan: On a roller coaster?
Lizzy: Yes. Come on, admit it. The unbridled screaming part is amazing, isn’t it?
Zan: I’m sure you’ll be doing plenty of screaming during childbirth.
Lizzy: Very funny.
Zan: I wasn’t joking. From everything I’ve heard, it’s incredibly painful. And gory. Rather awful, really.
Lizzy: That’s because you collect horror stories. I’m sure you’ve heard dozens of lovely recollections of childbirth, but only the horrid stuff captured your full attention.
Zan: Can’t say I have, honestly. I think the not awful experiences are so rare, women feel guilty talking about them. Guilty and fearful that a woman with a horrible story will punch them in the face for having a magical, lucky vagina.
Lizzy: Well, Jeffrey thinks mine is pretty magical, so…
Zan: Gross.
Lizzy: LOL. It’s not gross. Sabrina and I talk about things like that all the time. You don’t have to be shy about your vagina in front of your sisters, especially your triplet sisters. We’re a vagina-chat safe zone.
Zan: Stop. You know I don’t do that kind of girl talk.
Lizzy: I know. I’m getting my revenge in advance for whatever it is you’ve done that you still haven’t told me.
Zan: I went on holiday with Nick. To Bali.
Lizzy: Oh. Wow. Well…okay. I bet Bali is beautiful. I’ve always wanted to go. Is the ocean warm? Even in winter?
Zan: I don’t know. I haven’t been to the beach yet.
Lizzy: What?! Why not? Too busy banging Nick’s brains out? *smirking emoji*
Zan: Sabrina told you already, didn’t she?
Lizzy: No, she didn’t. She didn’t have to. I’m not blind. I could tell you have a thing for him. That’s why you pretended to hate him so much.