“You’re a better woman than me.”
I chuckle. “No, I just… I believe him. I trust him. Gavin has been nothing but an amazing guy to me since I met him. He’s definitely different,” I add. “But in a good way. I’m trying not to overthink it.”
“Well, I like that plan.”
“Me, too.”
I pause for a moment, chewing the inside of my cheek.
“Jess… I need to tell you something.”
“You feel like you’re going to throw up?” she asks on a belch. “Because I kinda do, too.”
I laugh. “No. I, uh… it’s…” I sigh. “I don’t even know where to start.”
Jess frowns when she sees the serious expression on my face, and instantly she’s leaning over the table. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”
“I am. Now. But… I don’t think anyone would be surprised to hear that I haven’t been okay. Not for a long time.”
Jess’s brows pull together, and she reaches over the table to squeeze my hand.
I’m not sure why through the tequila haze that in that moment, I think of how Bear did the very same thing.
“I’m sorry for pulling away the way I did, and for being such a bitch to Skyler with the whole Kip thing.”
“Babe, we’ve moved past that,” Jess assures me.
“I know. I know. But… I never told you the real reason why I did what I did.”
I take a deep breath and a long sip of water, and then in a flurry of slurred words, I tell Jess everything.
I tell her about how I actually had been pregnant, how the baby was Bear’s, how I’d aborted our child without telling anyone about it. I told her about what happened to me that night at our formal, how Bear found me, how I swore him to secrecy and went home that summer to my mom. I told her how I just wanted to get my life back. I told her how Kip seemed like the key to getting back on track again, and how I couldn’t see how badly I was hurting those around me as I tried to hold onto what was left of me.
And the entire time, Jess just listened.
She listened and nodded and squeezed my hand. When I started crying, she scooted her barstool over closer to me and hugged me tight. And when I was done, when all the words were said, she held me again.
“I am so fucking sorry you had to go through all that,” she says, and when she pulls back from our hug, her eyes are glossy like mine. “It breaks my fucking heart that you had to do it alone.”
“I wasn’t alone,” I assure her. “Bear knew.”
She nods. “I’m glad you had him. But Ex, we love you. Me, Ashlei, Skyler, Cassie? We have your back no matter what. Don’t ever feel like you have to hide from us.”
“I don’t,” I say with a sniff. “At least, not anymore. But when this all happened, I was just… younger. I cared about what everyone thought of me. I wanted to be the strong, independent, boss bitch Erin Xander. I was president of our sorority. I was a future lawyer in training. I didn’t want anyone to think any less of me.” I laugh at that. “Turns out, I just made things worse.”
Jess lets out a sigh and squeezes my arm. “I love you. Thank you for telling me.” She pauses. “Did you ever tell the cops about…”
“No,” I finish for her, shaking my head. “At this point, it’s too late. I wish I did. Looking back, I really wish I would have just let Bear take me when he wanted to. But… I mean, how many times have we seen in the news that a girl comes forward about being raped, and all they talk about is how she’s ruining this boy’s life? She’s painted as a liar and a bitch, and everyone feels sorry for the guy.”
“Not everyone.”
“You know what I mean.”
Jess sighs. “I do. God, I’m so sorry, Erin. I want to fucking kill them all.”
“Get in line.”
She smiles, and after a sip of beer, she asks, “You and Bear must have gotten pretty close, huh?”
“Very,” I say. “He was really all I had for a while. Until he found out about our baby. After that…” I sigh, running a hand back through my hair. “But we’re on the mend. We decided to put everything behind us and be friends.”
“That’s good,” Jess says, but she’s watching me in a weird way.
“What?”
“Nothing. I just… I never pictured you and Bear together, but now… God, you guys really would make a hot couple.”
She laughs. “Yeah, well, we hooked up one night, okay? We never dated. And besides… I have Gavin now.”
Jess arches a brow. “I never said anything about dating him. I was just making an observation.” Her gaze narrows. “Do you like Bear as more than a friend?”