‘I’ll see you the day after tomorrow.’ He paused. ‘Of course, if you need more childcare help, just say the word. I can arrange a part-time nanny—’
‘I don’t want a nanny,’ Maisie spat. Suddenly she was furious. How dared he give up on them so easily? ‘I want you. Antonio, why are you doing this?’
* * *
Antonio stared at Maisie, her vivid eyes and stricken face, and he squared both his shoulders and his jaw. This was hard, but staying together would be harder. Would bring more chance of heartache, of disappointment, of tragedy. He saw that now. He saw it so very clearly, and he couldn’t cope with failing again. Losing again.
‘I told you, it’s better this way. Better for you, Maisie.’ He heard the throb of sincerity as well as regret in his voice, and thought she did too. ‘I can’t make you happy. I wish I could, but I can’t.’
‘Isn’t that for me to decide?’
‘When would you decide it?’ Antonio demanded, pain ripping through him, spilling through the seams. ‘In a week? A month? A year? When you’d had your heart broken, or, God forbid, when Ella—?’ He couldn’t go on. Something in him was breaking, splitting right open, and he couldn’t bear it.
He wrenched open the door and started walking blindly towards the waiting car. Blood pounded in his ears and his heart thudded; he felt dizzy with the enormity of what he was doing, the pain of it all. He thought this would hurt less, but right now it didn’t feel like it. He couldn’t imagine anything hurting more.
He slid inside the car and rested his head against the back seat. The driver hesitated, and Antonio forced himself to speak.
‘Drive on, please.’
‘But...’
A fist pounded on the window, making his eyes fly open. Maisie stood there, looking wild, her eyes glittering, her face flushed, her hair a Titian nimbus about her face. Antonio stared at her dumbly, too shocked to move. Then she pulled open the door with a vicious yank.
‘Don’t you dare walk out on me,’ she said, her voice low and savage. ‘Don’t you dare play the martyr when you’re really a coward.’
‘What—?’
‘Yes, Antonio, a coward.’ Her voice broke and tears sparkled in her eyes. ‘You’re going to walk out on me, on my daughter, on us as a couple and a family, and for what earthly reason?’
‘I told you—’
‘Because you’re scared,’ she finished furiously, tears streaking down her cheeks. ‘Because loving someone is scary and it hurts and you risk so much. Do you think I don’t know that? That I haven’t experienced it as much as you have? For the whole time I’ve been with you, I’ve let you call the shots. I’ve been too weak to do anything but let you play the tune. But not this time, Antonio. Not when so much is on the line.’
She was furious and beautiful, the most glorious thing he’d ever seen. Still he persisted. ‘Maisie—’
‘No. You listen to me now, Antonio. We almost lost our daughter yesterday and it would have been the worst thing that had ever happened to either of us, which is saying something considering what we’ve both already been through. But it should bring us together, Antonio, not pull us apart.’
‘Maybe it showed us what we’re really made of.’
She stared at him hard, her tear-filled eyes narrowing. ‘Then what are you made of, Antonio?’
&nb
sp; She wanted to hear the ugly truth? Fine. He’d give it to her. Maybe he was a coward, because he’d kept it from her in the first place, but he’d tell it to her now. In one swift, fluid movement Antonio got out of the car, ordering the driver to wait. He strode back into the house and Maisie followed, closing the door behind her and then folding her arms.
‘Well?’ she asked quietly, composed now. ‘Tell me what you meant.’
‘I can’t do this,’ Antonio said in a low voice. ‘I can’t be enough for you or Ella. I can’t be responsible...’
‘Responsible for what, Antonio?’
‘I can’t make another mistake,’ he ground out. ‘Like I did with Paolo. I can’t risk that, not for your sake, or Ella’s, or my own.’
She stared at him, her eyes narrowed, her mouth compressed. ‘So what’s the alternative? Never letting anyone in? Never loving anyone, ever?’
He looked away, unable to meet her gaze. ‘If that’s the only choice.’
Maisie was silent for a long moment. ‘You blame yourself for this,’ she said at last, the words coming out slowly as realisation crept over her face. ‘You blame yourself. Why, Antonio—?’