"God not being convenient, I ask a fellow mortal."
"In my view, suicide is not really the wish for life to end."
"What is it, then?"
"It is the only way a powerless person can find to make everybody else look away from his shame. The wish is not to die, but to hide."
"As Adam and Eve hid from the Lord."
"Because they were naked."
"If only such sad people could remember: Everyone is naked. Everyo
ne wants to hide. But life is still sweet. Let it go on."
"You don't believe that the Formics are the beast of the Apocalypse, then, Sister?"
"No, Anton. I believe they are also children of God."
"And yet you found this boy specifically so he could grow up to destroy them."
"Defeat them. Besides, if God does not want them to die, they will not die."
"And if God wants us to die, we will. Why do you work so hard, then?"
"Because these hands of mine, I gave them to God, and I serve him as best I can. If he had not wanted me to find Bean, I would not have found him."
"And if God wants the Formics to prevail?"
"He'll find some other hands to do it. For that job, he can't have mine."
Lately, while the toon leaders drilled the soldiers, Wiggin had taken to disappearing. Bean used his Graff log-on to find what he was doing. He'd gone back to studying the vids of Mazer Rackham's victory, much more intensely and single-mindedly than ever before. And this time, because Wiggin's army was playing games daily and winning them all, the other commanders and many toon leaders and common soldiers as well began to go to the library and watch the same vids, trying to make sense of them, trying to see what Wiggin saw.
Stupid, thought Bean. Wiggin isn't looking for anything to use here in Battle School--he's created a powerful, versatile army and he'll figure out what to do with them on the spot. He's studying those vids in order to figure out how to beat the Buggers. Because he knows now: He will face them someday. The teachers would not be wrecking the whole system here in Battle School if they were not nearing the crisis, if they did not need Ender Wiggin to save us from the invading Buggers. So Wiggin studies the Buggers, desperate for some idea of what they want, how they fight, how they die.
Why don't the teachers see that Wiggin is done? He's not even thinking about Battle School anymore. They should take him out of here and move him into Tactical School, or whatever the next stage of his training will be. Instead, they're pushing him, making him tired.
Us too. We're tired.
Bean saw it especially in Nikolai, who was working harder than the others just to keep up. If we were an ordinary army, thought Bean, most of us would be like Nikolai. As it is, many of us are--Nikolai was not the first to show his weariness. Soldiers drop silverware or food trays at mealtimes. At least one has wet his bed. We argue more at practice. Our classwork is suffering. Everyone has limits. Even me, even genetically-altered Bean the thinking machine, I need time to relubricate and refuel, and I'm not getting it.
Bean even wrote to Colonel Graff about it, a snippy little note saying only, "It is one thing to train soldiers and quite another to wear them out." He got no reply.
Late afternoon, with a half hour before mess call. They had already won a game that morning and then practiced after class, though the toon leaders, at Wiggin's suggestion, had let their soldiers go early. Most of Dragon Army was now dressing after showers, though some had already gone on to kill time in the game room or the video room . . . or the library. Nobody was paying attention to classwork now, but a few still went through the motions.
Wiggin appeared in the doorway, brandishing the new orders.
A second battle on the same day.
"This one's hot and there's no time," said Wiggin. "They gave Bonzo notice about twenty minutes ago, and by the time we get to the door they'll have been inside for a good five minutes at least."
He sent the four soldiers nearest the door--all young, but not launchies anymore, they were veterans now--to bring back the ones who had left. Bean dressed quickly--he had learned how to do it by himself now, but not without hearing plenty of jokes about how he was the only soldier who had to practice getting dressed, and it was still slow.
As they dressed, there was plenty of complaining about how this was getting stupid, Dragon Army should have a break now and then. Fly Molo was the loudest, but even Crazy Tom, who usually laughed at everything, was pissed about it. When Tom said, "Same day nobody ever do two battles!" Wiggin answered, "Nobody ever beat Dragon Army, either. This be your big chance to lose?"
Of course not. Nobody intended to lose. They just wanted to complain about it.
It took a while, but finally they were gathered in the corridor to the battleroom. The gate was already open. A few of the last arrivals were still putting on their flash suits. Bean was right behind Crazy Tom, so he could see down into the room. Bright light. No stars, no grid, no hiding place of any kind. The enemy gate was open, and yet there was not a Salamander soldier to be seen.