The bottom of my emotions are ready to fall out at any moment, but somehow, I keep it together as I stare at the blank television. Guilt bubbles inside me, and I feel like I might throw up, but I push it away. I rub my hands over my face and need to be alone, even if for only ten minutes to gain my composure.
“I’ll be right back.” I stand and head to the bathroom, swallowing down my dinner that’s begging to make a comeback. I turn on the faucet, suck in deep breaths, then splash cool water on my burning cheeks and neck. Each time he’s said he’d be there for me, there wasn’t a doubtful bone in my body. Deep down, I knew his words were sincere, and this is why. Because like my sisters said, we’re in a weird non-relationship relationship.
Just as Hunter asked, I force myself into his position and imagine having to watch the person I like not just be with someone else, but my best friend, every single day. And damn. It’s hard as hell. Avoiding Brandon’s and my relationship was impossible. I finally understand why he was such an asshole, especially when Brandon and I’d kiss or hug. Jealousy drove his actions, and it was easier to openly hate it because it must’ve hurt and affected him every time.
Being around me had to be his own personal hell. Like a drug addict, Hunter couldn’t walk away, regardless of how bad being around us was for him. I shake my head, turning off the water and wipe my face on a clean towel. Sucking in a deep breath and letting it out, I finally understand the past two years in a way I never have.
Between Jenna, lying to my parents, finding out Hunter can’t have kids, and learning how he really feels…this week has been strange and confusing as hell. I’m not sure I can take anything else on top of what I’ve already been through this year. It’s as if I’m being tested, and almost wonder how much it will take before I finally break.
For some reason, I think about Sophie and Maddie, who made comments about us all along. I can already imagine the looks on their faces when I mention it and am not looking forward to all the “told you so’s” they’re going to throw my way. Though I’m stalling, I know I can’t stay camped out in the bathroom all night. It’s time to put on my big girl panties and face him and the feelings I can’t bring myself to accept.
I walk into the living room and find Hunter sitting on the couch watching Friends. It’s one of my favorite episodes, the one where Ross walks in on Joey and Rachel kissing passionately. Immediately, I’m drawn in and sit too. Each time Ross says he’s fine in a high-pitched tone, when he’s obviously not fine, I find myself laughing. Hunter’s chuckling along with me, and it’s almost easy to pretend we’re the people we were before Utah, before his confessions, before any of it. I’m not sure we can ever go back to being just two friends.
Not anymore. Not after tonight.
The awkward tension presses on, and I know I’m being weird. Hunter ignores the way I’m acting and sits there as if he didn’t admit the way he’s always felt about me.
As we start the next episode of Friends, I’m lost in my thoughts, falling into the deep abyss, and a sadness so intense washes over me when I glance over at Hunter. Knowing he can’t have kids hurts my heart because I know without a doubt he’d be a damn good father, especially after how much he’s helped me. How many men actually want to read pregnancy books? Hunter learns every detail eagerly, to make sure me and the baby are okay and taken care of.
Knowing this makes sense as to why he was so adamant about me trusting him, and while I did, I had doubts. I understand why he was so confident about Jenna’s baby not being his. Because it’s not. I saw the results of his test.
He’s already had to live a life where he had to watch me and Brandon and was forced to sit on the sidelines. Will the baby be a reminder that he can’t have kids? Will it be painful for him? My emotions lurch forward, taking over, and I try not to allow them to get the best of me, but I’m so sad for him.
“What’s wrong?” he asks when I wipe my cheek.
Damn tears, always slipping out of my eyes especially when I don’t want them to.
I shake my head and dry them up. “Nothing at all.”
He tilts his head and smirks at me. “Really?”
Hiding anything from him is impossible, considering he sees everything. The man knows me better than I know myself most days. “I’m just really upset for you.”