“I’d hide from you too after that.”
“Ha! I’m not that scary. Just don’t piss me off and there’s no problem.”
“Yeah, I learned that the hard way,” I say as a joke, but then realize it doesn’t come out that way.
Her lips immediately turn into a frown as she looks down in her lap. “I should get to bed.” She pushes herself off the couch and starts to walk away. I’m quick to follow and grab her shoulder.
“Lennon, wait.”
She turns around but doesn’t look up at me.
“I didn’t mean it.”
“Sure, you did,” she says, bringing her eyes to mine. “All we did was fight up until the night Brandon died, so don’t pretend we didn’t. I know you hated me. Maybe you still do.” She shrugs, and I can see the tears forming in her eyes.
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
“You had every right to get pissed at me then,” I tell her. “You had every right to yell at me, trust me. Just know I never hated you.” Even though I wanted her to think I did. “I’m glad you never took my shit, Lennon. I purposely pushed your buttons, and you pushed back. I’m happy you didn’t put up with it.”
She looks confused as hell, not that I’m surprised. I’ll never tell her why I acted out because my feelings for her don’t matter. They can never matter.
“I don’t understand, Hunter.”
“I know. Just know that I’m sorry, okay? I’m really sorry for how I treated you, and I don’t want us to ever go back to that. I wish I could explain it, but I can’t. Just trust me on this.”
Surprisingly, she doesn’t push further. “Okay.”
“Well, I’m going to lock up and turn off all the lights,” I tell her, needing some space between us before the temptation to push her against the wall and claim her mouth becomes too strong to deny.
“Okay. Good night, Hunter.” She walks away, then stops right as she reaches the bedroom door. With her hand on the knob, she looks over her shoulder until our gazes meet. “Thanks again for tonight.”
“Of course.” I flash her a small smile. “Night, Lennon.”
I wait until she’s safely tucked into the room before making sure the door is locked and the lights are off. I’m still worked up, even more now because of Lennon, and I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to control myself before I slip up. Sharing my past with her wasn’t something I intended to do, but it was easy to talk to her about it. Lennon doesn’t judge me. She tries to understand, and then when she shared her own story about her past, I forgot for a moment who we are.
Two people bound by grief.
Two people who can never be together.
Two people who need each other more than ever.
As long as I keep remembering that, I can do this. I can be there for her in the way she needs me. Friends.
Before I go to sleep, I take a shower and jerk off until my dick is nearly raw. I can’t act on these feelings, but I can allow myself to live in the fantasy for a few minutes. As wrong as it is, for just a moment, I pretend I live in a world where we could be together—if she’d even want me.
Chapter Seventeen
Lennon
I wake up feeling like absolute shit. Not that it’s any different from the past two and a half months, but this isn’t the same. After last weekend’s bar fight between Hunter and that drunk guy, I’ve gladly stayed inside the apartment. That was enough socialization for me for a while.
Something about that night brought Hunter and me closer, and I’m genuinely thankful for his friendship. I wouldn’t be able to get through this without him. When that guy at the bar asked if I was single, I had no idea how to respond. What would I say: “Technically, yes since he’s buried six feet under, and I’m still in love with him.”
Talk about emotional baggage.
Thank God Hunter showed up when he did. I probably would’ve broken down in tears right then and there.
I mean, I could’ve gone without him having to fight for me. But it was a nice gesture considering the guy called me a cheap whore for no damn reason.
Over the past week, I’ve buried myself in books and even managed to cook dinner a couple of times. I know I’m going to need to go shopping soon because we’re running out of shit again, and it’s not fair to make Hunter do everything. He works all day long while I’m off, and I really should be chipping in more even if I’m unmotivated.
It’s as if Sophie reads my mind from across town and sends me a text.
Sophie: Wanna hit the grocery store with Mads and me? I’m sure you need supplies in your cave.