“Probably a safe bet.” I smile in return. “I’ll find you something else.” We walk out of the bathroom and back into the living room. I take the bag of food and bring it into the kitchen, placing hers in the fridge. Grabbing the loaf of bread, I make her two pieces of toast with butter. Whether or not she’s getting the flu, she needs to eat something.
Once I deliver the food to her, we sit and watch more Friends episodes. I keep my eye on her and ask if she’s still feeling sick. I offer to bring in a bowl just in case, but she reassures me the toast is helping.
“Thank you, Hunter,” she says once we shut down for the night. I have to be up for work early, but time flies when we’re just hanging out together and not drowning in our sadness.
“For what?” I ask, locking up and flicking off the main lights.
She lowers her eyes for a moment, then brings them back up to mine with a small smile on her face. “For not making me go through this alone. Your company has really helped me during this time, and I just wanted you to know I appreciate it. I’m sure you have a dozen other things you’d rather be doing.”
I study her, wondering if she really thinks that. Walking toward her, I close the gap between us and wrap my arms around her. “I promise, there’s nowhere I’d rather be, Lennon.” I pull back and look at her. “You’re not bad to be around when you aren’t screaming at me and threatening my balls.” I shoot her a wink, which makes her swat at my chest.
“You deserved it,” she reminds me before her smile falls. “I hope one day I can wake up without this weight of sadness on my chest. It helps knowing I’m not suffering alone, though. I know you cared about him too.”
I hate hearing the pain in her voice. She doesn’t openly talk about her feelings, at least not in the past few weeks. She seems content with just burying them, but the fact she’s talking about it now without bursting into tears is a good sign.
“One day at a time,” I remind her. Before I have time to think better of it, I pull her back into my arms again and kiss the top of her head. “It’s okay to be sad, Lennon. Just don’t let the sadness consume you so much that you stop living.”
“I know,” she says softly. “I try to remind myself of that daily. Doesn’t always win, though.”
I step back, distancing myself from her. “And that’s okay. Some days are better than every day.”
Lennon flashes me a sincere smile, then follows me down the hallway where we split into our new rooms. Once I shut my door, I lean against it and squeeze my eyes shut. She has no idea how much restraint I’ve used these past two years, and the fact that she’s leaning on me now as we both grieve our loss makes it even harder to keep my emotions in check. Pulling her close felt right. I won’t allow her to go through this alone. Even though it hurts more and more each day, I’ll be what she needs as I continue to pretend my feelings for her never existed.
Even if it kills me in the end.
Chapter Fifteen
Lennon
The days don’t seem as long, and getting out of bed in the morning isn’t as hard. Still, the loss exists and hits me without warning. A few nights ago, after the smell of Chinese food made me sick, Hunter showed a caring side I didn’t know existed. Part of me says he’s being nice because I was Brandon’s girlfriend, but I know he’s being genuine now. Hunter wouldn’t spend his nights with me if he truly didn’t want to, but I have this anxious feeling in my gut that things will eventually change, and he won’t want me around anymore.
Perhaps it’s because I’ve lived in an apartment that never truly felt like mine. It’s always been just a temporary living situation until Brandon and I moved out. Now that I have no real reason to be here, I’m waiting for when Hunter is ready to move on with his life that won’t include me lingering around in my sadness.
Still, he continues to reassure me he has no problem with me being here. I can’t even remember the last time he’s brought a date home, which is odd considering Hunter’s previous habits. He goes to work, comes home to make or order dinner, then we hang out and flip through channels until bedtime.
“Lennon, have you been cleaning?” Maddie asks, looking around the spotless apartment. Sophie sits next to me and starts looking around too.
“No.” I snort. “What’s there to clean?”