“I always imagined this’d be the place we’d get married,” I say more to myself. Hunter stills, and a ragged breath escapes him.
“We should probably go inside.” He finally speaks after the silence awkwardly draws on too long.
I nod, get out of the truck, and force myself to walk across the parking lot and up the stairs. As soon as I enter, the scent of fresh flowers hits my nose, making me nauseous. The smell of roses used to bring me so much joy, and now the sweet smell seems so pungent. I look inside the chapel and see the black casket sitting at the front. My feet feel as if they’re glued to the floor, and as much as I want to move, I can’t.
Liam and Mason walk up and give Hunter a hug, then give me one too.
“I’m so sorry, Lennon,” Mason offers. “If you need anything…”
I wipe tears from my cheeks, and Liam hands me a handful of tissues. “You might need these.”
I let out a choked laugh, then look over at Hunter as Liam and Mason walk back inside.
“I can’t do this,” I tell him. It’s wrong. This all feels so wrong.
His eyes soften, and he gently places his hand on my shoulder. “We’ll go in together, okay?” His words are comforting as he takes my hand.
I tuck my lips inside my mouth and look up at the ceiling, trying to find what little strength I have left. Water fills my eyes, and I can barely see as I walk through the entrance and down the aisle. It’s all too much, and I want it to be over right now so I can be alone.
“We don’t have to go up there if you don’t want,” Hunter tells me. I know I’m expected to, though I’m not sure I can keep it together long enough to do that.
A slideshow plays on the big screen with the saddest fucking music I’ve ever heard, and when I see pictures of me and Brandon together, I turn into a complete mess. Instead of walking, I sit as quickly as I can and let it all out, not caring who sees me. Soon someone sits next to me and wraps their arms around me, and when I look up, I see Brandon’s mother, Mrs. Locke.
“Oh, sweetie. I am so sorry,” she says. I hold her tighter, and when I finally pull away, I apologize when I notice my tears have spilled onto the shoulder of her dress. She waves it off and studies me, asking with her eyes if I’m okay, though we all know the answer to that one.
I sniff and wipe my nose with the tissue Liam gave me. “I don’t know how I’m going to go on without him, Mrs. Locke.”
She rubs her hand against my back and gives me a small smile. “You’ll have to do it the same way I am—one minute, one hour, one day at a time—and continue to live the life Brandon would want you to live. He loved you so much, Lennon, and above anything, he’d want you to be happy.”
I open my mouth, but no words come out, just a ragged sob.
Hunter gives Brandon’s mom a side hug, then sits next to me. He doesn’t say anything and just stares forward. Eventually, people come up to speak to Brandon’s mother, and she gives me one last hug and walks away. I stare at the slideshow, seeing all the photos of Brandon as a kid, pictures of him and Hunter, Liam, and Mason, and us when we first started dating. As soon as it ends, it repeats itself, and I watch it five more times before I feel like I can breathe again.
“I’m ready,” I tell Hunter. He nods as I stand.
My shoes feel made of concrete as I walk forward. Brandon’s dad stands by the casket and speaks to people after they pay their respects. When I realize I’m next, my heart races and pounds so hard in my chest, I hear it in my ears. I take a step forward, and when I see Brandon lying there, I lose my fucking mind.
For the last week, I tried to imagine this moment. I imagined what it would be like to see his lifeless body, and as I look at him, it’s not how I thought it would be. Makeup on his face covers the bruises and gashes from the helmet, but I can still see it all. I overheard Hunter talking to the guys about how much blood was at the scene, and just thinking about it makes my stomach turn. This is not him. This is not my baby lying here. My heart aches, not understanding why such a good person was ripped away from me. All I can hope is that he didn’t feel any pain, but after seeing how broken he is, I’m not so sure. I hate knowing he was alone when he died. My body begins to tremble and shake, and Hunter places his hand around my shoulders and squeezes, bringing me against his body for comfort. If I could crawl inside and be buried with Brandon, I would.