Dagger meet heart.
I swallow hard, realizing what I’ve tried to accomplish has come to fruition. I’ve wanted her to feel the same as me, and now she does.
“Okay,” is all I offer. I don’t deny my hatred for her, though what I feel in my heart is far from it. The fact he says we could be friends and have things in common is a punch straight to my gut.
“Plus, you’re kinda killing my sex life,” he adds with a chuckle, taking a big swig of his beer, nearly finishing it.
I let out a stifled laugh. “I seriously doubt that. We share a wall remember?” I nod toward his nearly empty beer. “You’re gonna be trashed by the time she gets home if you keep up that pace, and then it will be your limp dick killing your chances tonight.” I want to change the subject, but Brandon empties his bottle and slams it on the coffee table, then goes to grab another. “Get me one too,” I shout, thankful for the moment alone to compose myself.
He comes back and hands me one. I twist off the top and press the bottle to my lips. The cool liquid goes down so easily, and I finish my second beer in no time.
“Dude,” Brandon says, laughing. “Remember when we used to do some of the stupidest shit in college?”
I laugh at his random comment. “Yeah, like sneak into the sorority house to steal girls’ panties so we could hang them on a clothesline at the frat party.”
“Fuck! I forgot about that. I’m surprised we didn’t get suspended.” He shakes his head.
“I’m surprised we graduated.” I chuckle at all the memories we’ve shared.
“Oh yeah, I almost forgot. So about Valentine’s Day…”
“Yeah, what about it?” I ask, grabbing another beer because I’m going to need it for this conversation.
Just another day commercialized to hell and back and often comes with the price tag of selling your soul for flowers that’ll die within a week. It’s a sickening reminder that I’m alone and may never have a solid relationship.
I’ve dated plenty in the past, even tried a stupid dating app after Lennon moved in because I was sick of not only hearing them all night long but having to see it every damn day too. Work keeps me busy, so going out to meet chicks isn’t as easy as it was in college; however, those often ended in one-night stands or waking up with regret. In fact, that’s how most weekends went as I tried to forget Lennon and push her out of my head, but it didn’t erase her. Every second date I went on ended with me avoiding them shortly after. If my own father could betray a woman as amazing as my mother, how was I even capable of love? Where was the trust? What was the point of giving your heart away? When Hayden lost the love of his life, I saw what it did to him. It shattered his heart, and I remember that dark time like it was yesterday. I don’t blame him, of course—he was only eighteen years old—but I never want to put myself in a position to feel that kind of pain. The risk doesn’t seem worth it.
Until I met Lennon.
You can’t fake that kind of chemistry, as instant as it was, and I swear she felt it too, though I’ve tried to convince myself it was one-sided. I’ve replayed it dozens of times in my head, but it doesn’t matter. Brandon’s like another brother to me, and his happiness matters more to me than my own. I’m glad he’s found someone who makes him happy and truly cares for him, but I can’t help feeling a tinge of regret, a tinge of bitterness that I should’ve done things differently.
If I could go back to that night, I would’ve asked Lennon for her number right away. I should’ve pushed my self-doubt away and listened to my heart. We shared something special, and I allowed my insecurities to stop me, leaving the ball in her court. She never returned. Hell, I should’ve chased after her.
It’s in the past, though, and all I can do now is accept what is and move on, even if I’m failing miserably.
“Well,” Brandon lingers, and I wait for him to ask me to get lost for the night so they can spend Valentine’s Day together alone. “I kinda wanted to make sure we had the place to ourselves. You know, don’t want my headboard slamming against the wall and interrupting you or anything.” He sets his beer on the table and grins, telling me exactly what I predicted.
I cough out a pained chuckle, already done with this conversation. That reminder that I’m alone repeats in my head again. “I can disappear. No problem.”