West gave him a disgusted look. “I’m not talking about BDSM, Alec. I’m talking about the fact that you’re only giving her a very limited part of yourself when she deserves everything. That woman loves you.”
“She doesn’t.”
“Yeah. She does. And you love her, you’re just too stubborn to admit it. You think you have to punish yourself because of everything you did when we were younger.”
“I’m not punishing myself.”
“You forget who you’re talking to. I know all about punishing yourself for past sins.”
Alec studied his brother. “You did what you had to. He was evil. He deserved what he got.”
“Yeah, well, now I’m getting what I deserve. Because there’s a price for everything, right? My price is living my life without the person I love most. But you don’t have to pay that price, the person you love is right here. And you’re fucking everything up. You’re pushing her away because you think you can’t have her. You think you don’t deserve her. You think you have to live in the dark when you can live in the light. Her light. If you just fucking open your eyes and see it, you can have it all. You think I wouldn’t kill to have my light back just for a few minutes? To hold her? To see her smile? To kiss her? I’d give anything. But I can’t have the woman I love. And you, you asshole, you’re just going to throw yours away.”
The words struck deep. “I can’t give her everything. I can’t tell her all of it. I expect her to give me everything and I’m not willing to do the same in return. So how can that work?”
“It can work if you want it badly enough. But I think you’re selling her short. Under that sweet, fragile exterior that woman has the heart of a lion. And she’s loyal to the core. You want her to give you her shit, well, let her take on yours. You need to let that out, bro.”
“And if she can’t take it? If she can’t handle it?”
“Then she’s not right for you. But I think she can. I think Mia is the woman who could give it all to you if you’d just let her in. She needs you, Alec. She needs you to hold her when she’s scared. She needs your protection. Your possession. And, obviously, she needs the kinky shit the two of you get up to, since I’ve never seen a woman wear a more satisfied smile than she has these last few days. But you also need her. And if you let her go without trying, you’ll never forgive yourself.”
17
As he climbed into bed, West’s words beat at him.
If you let her go without trying, you’ll never forgive yourself.
He didn’t want to think about her leaving. Couldn’t without feeling ill. He knew West was right. He expected everything from her yet held her at a distance.
Because he didn’t believe she could handle his past? Or was West right? Was he still punishing himself for past sins and part of that was to deny himself anything that made him happy?
He’d done things he shouldn’t have in his youth. And for years he hadn’t allowed himself much of anything that would make him happy. Kept his brothers at a distance. He only played at the club a few times a year.
Fuck. He hated to admit it, but West was right. Not that he’d ever admit it to him; he’d never hear the end of it. Question was, what to do about it? Did he open up? Tell her everything? She had enough on her plate right now, he couldn’t add to that. But maybe once the trial was over . . . yeah, maybe then he’d tell her all of it and see if she could still love a deeply flawed man.
A clap of thunder sounded in the distance. Shit. He’d forgotten all about that storm rolling in tonight. Sometimes the power went out during these storms, which is why they had a generator. But it took a few minutes to kick in and during that time, they’d be without power.
Mia didn’t like the dark.
Fuck. Another clap of thunder sounded. It was coming in fast. He didn’t want to wake her if she was sleeping. Hadn’t she said that was the best thing for her migraine, to sleep it off? But what if the storm woke her and the power going out frightened her? What if she had another panic attack?
He threw off the blankets as another clap sounded. Far closer this time. The power flickered then went out. And he took off towards Mia’s bedroom. He didn’t know what it was, some instinct, but it was screaming at him to get to her.
That she was in trouble.
Another clap of thunder sounded as he reached her bedroom. He stormed inside and moved towards the bed.
Only she wasn’t there.
His heart raced. Where was she?
“Mia! Mia!”
The lights suddenly flickered on. The generator had kicked in. The light he’d left on in the bathroom came on, and he immediately spotted the extension cord lying along the floor.
It led to the closet. What on earth?
Suddenly it hit him, and he raced over, opening the closet door without thought. The small figure curled under a blanket in the corner of the closet shied back with a cry.