“If we could have found her in time . . .”
“And if I had noticed she was so unhappy. If I’d tried harder to find her. There are so many what ifs.”
“None of that is your fault,” he told her. “You couldn’t have known she was going to run.”
“No. And it’s not your fault either,” she said gently.
He gave a short nod.
“Sometimes I think things happen for a reason, you know? And I have to realize that even though everything that has happened is terrible, that there is still a lot of good in my life. What’s good in my life is you. If all of this hadn’t happened, I would never have met you.”
His shoulders sagged. “Christ, I thought you were going to tell me you wanted to leave.”
“Never,” she whispered fiercely. “Not as long as you want me. Maybe not even then.”
“Thank fuck.” He drew her closer. “I can’t lose you, baby doll. I can’t.”
God, how selfish she’d been, wallowing in her guilt and pity without realizing he was going through the same.
“I’ll be okay, Spike. I just need some time.”
“And I want to give you that time,” he said gruffly. “But not at the expense of your health.”
“I know. I’ll try to eat and sleep. It’s just every bite makes me feel ill and when I close my eyes . . . having you hold me helps.”
“Then that’s what I’ll do. I won’t let you go.”
“I know.” She smiled up at him.
“Do you need to talk to someone? A professional? I know you said no before to Hack’s offer. But maybe you should reconsider.”
“Maybe I should.” Even though the thought of talking to a stranger was scary, she couldn’t go on like this.
“I’ll talk to him. Gonna ask him about the food issues too. Is there anything else I can do?”
“You don’t need to treat me like I’m made of glass. I won’t shatter if you get all bossy with me.”
Arrogance filled his face. “You like it when I’m bossy.”
“Well, no, I didn’t say that! You’re just not you when you’re not grumbling over something ridiculous and threatening to spank me.”
“Aww, do you miss being spanked, baby doll?” he drawled.
“I didn’t say that.” For the first time in days, she felt a spark of something. Of heat. Of amusement. “Think I just need a bit of normalcy. Well, as much as I can get with my injured arm.”
And the sadness in her heart.
“Come into the study with me. You can lie on
the couch and read or color while I make a few calls. I’ll bring you some snacks and if you’re a good girl and eat for Daddy, he has a surprise for you.”
Ooh. A surprise.
* * *
Spike watched her as she lay on the couch in his office. He’d placed a blanket over her and gotten Chompers for her. Mr. Fluffy was sleeping at her feet. She had a coloring book on her lap, but mostly she spent her time looking off into the distance.
She had some earphones in, listening to an audiobook at the same time. It was hard for her to concentrate enough to read at the moment. But listening to books seemed to relax her.