“Mar, why are you crying?” Riley demanded with concern. “Are you in pain? Or is this some kind of pregnancy hormone shit?”
Christ.
For a moment, I’d forgotten all about the fact that I had life growing inside me. With her reminder, I felt bile rising in the back of my throat, and that morning’s oatmeal was making a comeback.
“Oh fuck,” Riley squealed, handing me the small pink basin from beside the bed just in time to catch the puke as it made its exit.
My stomach muscles were sore from all the coughing I’d been doing, so their contracting with each heave made me whimper, and the tears I’d been holding at bay spilled free. Riley hit the call button for the nurse, and soon the door was opening.
“Poor thing,” the nurse who had been taking care of me all morning soothed as she touched a cool, damp cloth to my brow. “There’s no way the doc is going to release you today after this, honey.”
I fell back against the hard mattress of my bed, exhausted and still crying. “Yeah, I don’t really care if he does or not. This shit sucks so bad.”
Riley and the nurse were already cleaning me up. Washing my face, offering me mouthwash to rinse out my mouth. I felt helpless and weak, and if Cash had seen me right then, I probably would have died of humiliation.
Then thrown my basin of puke at his head.
If I had to smell like vomit, then so should he. It was his fault I was in this condition anyway. We used protection every time we had sex, but there had been more than one night where he fell asleep while inside me. That must have been how I got pregnant. Condoms weren’t made for that kind of longevity, damn it.
Fingers trembling from exertion, I laid them over my lower stomach, holding on to the precious life growing in there. My baby wasn’t supposed to come into the world like this. I’d always imagined being a mom, always promised myself I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes my own mother had made. My child would know how much I loved it and would never have to worry about being second-best in my world. More importantly, any kid I had wasn’t going to be the product of a faulty condom, and I wasn’t supposed to hate his or her father.
Yet that was exactly what was happening. My baby was making an appearance at the wrong time in my life. I didn’t even have a job or any source of income to support the two of us. My life was falling apart around me, and on top of that, I couldn’t even think about Cash without breaking down and crying.
This was all wrong. It wasn’t how it was meant to happen.
But I still loved the life inside me. I would still make sure he or she never wanted for anything, especially not my attention and love.
Chapter 17
Amara
Lindsey wasn’t kidding about moving out. All her stuff was gone by the time I was released from the hospital two days later. There wasn’t a single sign of my friend or the fact that she used to live there.
As much as I was unsure what to make of what happened with her and Cash, I didn’t think it would hurt so much that she just left. I didn’t want to see her while I was sick and vulnerable in the hospital, but I didn’t want her to walk out of my life without a backward glance either.
Yet that was exactly what she did. She didn’t talk to me. Didn’t call or text. She just told Riley what she was doing, and that was it. Maybe she had feelings for Cash and was pissed at me now because I’d had a relationship with him too. They had been seeing each other for weeks before I even met Cash. If I looked at it from her point of view, I was basically the side chick.
That realization burned like swallowing acid, but I tried not to think about it.
With Lindsey gone, that meant Riley and I each had to pay more rent to cover her portion or get a new roommate. The idea of a stranger living with us scared me, especially with a baby on the way. But I wasn’t really in a position to cover more rent.
“What about taking Emmie up on her job offer?” Riley reminded me as she handed me a plate loaded with Chinese food. We were sitting in front of the television with a rerun of a sitcom that had been over for years now on in the background. But nothing else was on, so it was this or the news.
“I don’t know if I can work for her now. I mean, Cash is one of her clients…” I trailed off with a shrug.
“You have to tell him about the baby, Mar. That’s not just your kid growing in there. He helped create that life, and he has every right to know about it.” She took a bite of her sweet and sour pork as she stared me down. “You hate him, I get that. But now you’re connected to him for the rest of your life. Don’t be a pussy. He deserves to know his kid.”
I twirled some noodles around my chopsticks, not meeting her eyes. “I have every intention of telling him. Just not right now, Riles. I need to get some things straight in my head first.”
I felt her eyes drilling into me, but after a few moments, she let out a long sigh. “Okay. Yeah, I get it. Just don’t leave it too long.”
“I won’t,” I told her weakly.
“But at least give Emmie’s offer some thought. I mean, if you worked in her accounting department, the likelihood of you ever running into Cash is slim to none. The other job might be a bit trickier, though. What if she put you as the TK guys’ road manager? They’re going on tour in a few months, and that wouldn’t be fun with a growing baby bump.”
“Yeah,” I muttered. “Not fun at all.”
Emmie didn’t give me much choice in thinking about her offer. I got a text from her the next morning requesting another meeting. I wasn’t one hundred percent back to normal yet, but I was bored sitting around the quiet apartment. Taking a cab, I arrived at her office just before lunch.