It’s been some time since I’ve had sex. Unlike most men I’ve encountered, I don’t think about it much. Spending my adolescence locked up with boys, I’d curbed whatever sex drive I felt as I grew up. Inmates had very little access to females in general, and I never chose to pair up with another guy though it was occasionally tempting just to get some relief. I was big enough and apparently scary enough not to get any unwanted attention. These days, my solitary lifestyle limits my exposure to women. Aside from a brief, post-breakup encounter with Margot two years ago, I’ve been celibate since I moved out of her place.
It’s not just the sex with Seri that has me baffled. It’s also the way she approached me. “Approached” isn’t even the right word. “Attacked” is more like it. She came at me the same way she might have if she still had that knife in her hand. Though certainly consensual, the encounter was practically violent, and I don’t know what to think of it.
Sex with Margot was never like that. She always liked it slow and deep. She liked it to last for hours, and she liked it under the covers. She told me every woman is different, and each one likes different things, but I was not prepared for the extreme opposite.
I also wasn’t prepared for my own reaction.
I take a deep breath. My heart is still beating a little faster than normal, and I can’t stop myself from reliving the deed over and over again. She was rough—shoving me down on the bed and taking me however she wanted—and I’d loved every second of it. I’d always enjoyed sex with Margot, but I was usually on top and often felt awkward, especially in the early days. This incident had been so fast and intense, I didn’t have a chance to wonder if I was doing something wrong.
Margot had been a great teacher. However, she is a full decade older than I and quite experienced. I couldn’t help but wonder how much better her other lovers may have been. With Seri, I didn’t even have a chance to think about it.
I shake my head slightly and take a few more breaths. I stare at the fire for a moment, trying to think about something that won’t make me instantly hard again. A moment later, Solo coos as he jumps up on the end of the bed and walks up the length of my body. He stands on my shoulder and mews before settling down with his feet pulled under him.
The wind outside continues to howl.
Eventually, I fall asleep. When I wake briefly, Solo has moved to his box by the fire. I notice that Seri must have gotten up at some point in the night and put her clothes back on. She’s sleeping again now, so I nestle my head up against her shoulder and close my eyes.
I wake in total darkness.
As my eyes adjust, I see only the faintest of coals still glowing in the fireplace. It’s not right at all—I banked the fire well, and it should burn through the night. My head has a strange, fuzzy feeling that’s similar but not quite the same as general sleepiness. I sit up, and my head spins. Something is definitely off.
I take a deep breath, and it feels as if I’m trying to breathe underwater. The stale air in the small room tells me the rest of what I need to know.
I move quickly—too quickly—and stumble as I climb out of the bed. I try not to bash my legs into anything as I make my way in the darkness, but the dizziness is worse, now that I’m upright. I hear Solo’s labored meow coming from behind me, but I can’t think about him just now. I hold out my arm until my hand hits a wall and then make my way to the corner of the room. A large pole leans against the wall, and I wrap my fingers around it, gripping it tightly.
I gasp as my lungs try to retrieve what oxygen is left in the room.
It would be easier to find the airholes in the ceiling if I had light, but I don’t know how much oxygen is in the room, and lighting a lamp will just use more of it. I’m having a difficult time keeping my grip on the pole and doubt I could manage to successfully strike a match anyway. I need to get the snow off the roof and fresh air into the cabin first. The fire going out is a bad sign. Snow must be covering the chimney, and I’ll need to get outside to clear that off.
First, I need to take care of the inside before we all suffocate.
Still unsteady on my feet, I poke at the ceiling with the pole until I hit a spot that makes a deep, hollow sound. I line the pole up as best I can and then shove. Snow falls down onto my bare shoulders, and I can see twinkling stars above me.
I take a deep breath of cold, oxygenated air, and my head begins to clear. I try not to think about what might have happened if I had slept another hour. If I had woken up gasping for air, I might not have had the muscle strength to get the pole through the hole, but I push those thoughts away as I fill my lungs several more times before I shove open the second airhole.
The blowing wind quickly cools the inside of the cabin, but the air is notably fresh and clean. Snow falls in, blowing from other parts of the roof, but it melts as soon as it hits the floor. I’m going to have to get dressed and go outside to get the chimney cleared off and then get the fire going again. First, I get a lamp lit so I can see what the heck I’m doing.
As soon as the soft red glow of the first lamp fills the room, Seri screams.
“What are you doing?”
Startled, I nearly drop the lamp. Scowling at her, I set the lamp on the mantle.
“Snow’s covered the roof,” I say as I walk back toward the bed. “Nothing to worry about now. I just need to get up there and clear some of it off.”
Seri scrambles out of the bed and backs away, eyes wide. She nearly hits the wall of the cabin before she stops.
“You’re not wearing any clothes!” she shrieks at me, and the sound of her shrill voice places me on edge.
“So?” I’m at a complete loss. Of course I’m not wearing clothes; she practically ripped them off of me! She should have at least noticed I was still undressed when she got up to put her own clothes back on.
“So, you can’t do that! What the hell is wrong with you?”
I look away from her twisted, reddening face. My skin crawls as if her fury is a physical thing, assaulting my body. I don’t understand the yelling. I’ve never understood the yelling.
“What the fuck is your problem, you stupid shit?”
“I didn’t do anything!”