“He can’t come to the wedding because I said so. Security has been notified to escort you off the property if you show up. Now, I have to go relax. My wedding’s tomorrow and I don’t want this stress to ruin my complexion.” Maureen rolls her eyes and walks out the door. I don’t bother following her.
“Do you think your dad will call off security if you ask him?” Ben’s eyes glitter with mischief.
“Maybe you shouldn’t go. I don’t want to give Maureen anymore ammunition for her to yell at me.”
The disappointment on Ben’s face makes me feel guilty, but the uncertainty of what we are to each other keeps me cautious.
“Just think, you get out of going to this stupid wedding without hurting anyone’s feelings.”
“You don’t want me to go?” Ben steps away from me, crossing his arms over his broad chest.
“I don’t want you to get escorted out or arrested. I think it’s best if you just don’t show up. Besides, you don’t want to go anyway. Right?”
“I don’t want to go to the wedding, but I want to be with you. Clara, I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”
My heart flips in my chest, but I squash its excitement. Mainly because I don’t want to get my hopes up. “Ben, we just started this...”
“Relationship. We’re in a relationship, and it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I’m falling for you.”
“How can you say that? We’ve only known each other a couple weeks.”
What the hell are you saying? My brain yells at me. I’m sabotaging this with stupid words.
I need to stop talking, but something’s holding me from pulling him into my arms right now.
“I can say it because I know it’s true. Clara, you're special to me. This relationship is special to me.” Ben takes my hand entangling our fingers together.
“How can we trust this?”
Shut up, Clara. Shut up, my brain screams at me.
“Because I’m telling you the truth. I’ve never been in a relationship because it’s never felt right before. Not until you. Clara you’re the one. I know you are. You can’t tell me you don’t feel the same.”
I snatch my hand back and hop off the stool needing some space. “Ben this is too soon. You can’t love me after only weeks. This is just some novelty to you and I’m going to be the one hurt in the long run. How many times will your past slap me in the face?”
Ouch, I know. I can tell by the sad look on his face I shouldn’t have said that. I need time to think.
Ben’s head whips back as if I hit him. He pinches the bridge of his nose and shakes his head before looking at me. “This isn’t too soon. And it’s bullshit if you think this is just a novelty between us. If you’re scared we’re moving too fast I understand, but you can’t tell me my feelings for you aren’t real. And I can’t change my past. I’m not sorry for what I did in the past because it led me to you. ”
“I need some time to think.”
“I’d still like to take you to the wedding. Even if they throw me out. I want to be there for you.” Ben’s hand reaches for me but he lets it drop before it touches me.
My vision blurs as tears cloud it. I refuse to blink, not wanting to shed my eyes' watery layer until I’m alone. “I don’t know, Ben.” I want him to take me more than anything. I want to tell this man I’m falling for him, but can I? I’m too afraid of what may come along with it. “I’m not sure I’m strong enough.”
“You’re the strongest person I know. Just look at how you work even though you get shit on for having a job. Look at everything you’ve done with Big Willie’s. And every day you put up the good fight not even knowing that you’re doing it.” Ben’s eyes search mine. “But, you know what, maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m not ready for the responsibility of it all.”
Tears flood my eyes. “I think it’s better this way.” Even though my heart screams at me to demand he wrap his arms around me.
“I think it is too. Who was I kidding thinking I could be in a relationship.” Ben nods and moves down the hall to the bedroom.
I wipe the tears away before he comes back, dressed with his duffle bag slung over his shoulder. He stops next to me, but doesn't look at me.
“It’s funny because I really thought you were different, but I guess I was wrong.”
When I don’t say anything he shakes his head and walks out the door.
My legs give out and I crumple to the ground, scalding tears track down my cheeks and I don’t have the willpower to wipe them away. I’m not sure how much time passes while I cry on the floor but when the doorbell rings I spring up and run to the door, flinging it open, scaring the shit out of the pizza man.