"Ask permission," I repeat. This makes sense. It is not about hurting my mate because I am angry. It is about giving her what she needs, as Jo-see said.
"Absolutely ask permission. She'll give you a safe word, too, but that's a conversation you should have with her."
I consider this. It still feels wrong, the thought of harming my mate. But if it is as Jo-see says, if it is what she needs, why can I not be the one to give it to her? "May I ask you something, Jo-see?"
"Sure."
"What if I do not like it?"
She smiles. "If you don’t want to do it, you don’t have to. Nora wouldn’t want you doing something you find unpleasant. Consent goes both ways.”
I nod.
“And think about it. How do you know you won't? From my experience, a lot of the time it's about control and heightening emotions rather than actually someone beating the crap out of you. A little pain—or a little domination—just adds an edge to everything."
I envision putting my hands on No-rah's soft skin. I remember the bruises I left before and feel sick. "I do not know if I can do this."
"You didn't know you liked kissing until you tried it," Jo-see points out. "It's not a sa-khui thing, right? But everyone's kissing everywhere I turn nowadays, so it can't be that bad."
I stare at her. Jo-see is right. When Vektal first told us of mouth-matings, I did not know what to think. It seemed bizarre to stick tongues into each other's mouths, and yet…it is one of my favorite things to do now. Maybe mating No-rah in the way she wants will be one of my favorite things, too.
The female laughs at my expression, patting my shoulder again. "It's just sex, buddy."
It is more than that. I worry if I do not please my No-rah, I will not be able to keep her. And I worry that if I do as she asks, I will no longer be myself. I will be a thing of loathing—a male that beats his mate. "I do not know what to do."
"I know what you should do," Jo-see says briskly. "Quit talking to me and go in there and talk to your mate. Have an open conversation about what she needs and how to establish consent. Isn't she worth at least trying it out?"
She is. No-rah is worth everything. I get to my feet. "You have my thanks for this conversation, Jo-see."
"Hope it helps." The female waves. "I'm going to stay out here for a while longer. I think all the happiness inside is giving me heartburn."
Another strange human saying. Her chest is not on fire. I nod and gaze at the entrance to the cave. I can hear laugher and the sound of drums. Somewhere in there, No-rah is waiting for me in our cave. The moment I step inside, she will look at me with such worry in her eyes…
I turn and walk out into the night instead of returning to my mate. I need a bit longer to think.
15
NORA
Some wedding night.
I curl up in the furs and weep, miserable and frustrated. Every time I think of my mate, I think of the look of sheer horror and downright revulsion on Dagesh's face when I told him what I needed. No matter how I phrase it, he's appalled by the idea. It makes me feel like a freak. Like I'm wrong for liking what I like.
Why did I even say anything? I should have just smiled and thanked him for the wedding. It was thoughtful and so very sweet. That's Dagesh, of course. He's always thoughtful and hard-working. He really is the best of guys. I feel lucky to have him. I adore him. Absolutely adore. Love. It's just this one damn snag in our otherwise perfect relationship.
I should have never brought it up. He's made it clear he doesn't swing that way, and he's not going to, no matter how often I bring it up, so I'm just torturing myself.
With a new round of tears, I cry myself to sleep.
It feels as if I've barely closed my eyes when a warm hand brushes against my cheek. Sleepy, I pry my eyelids open with a yawn and look over. Dagesh sits next to me at the edge of our furs-strewn bed, his legs crossed. His braid is wind-disheveled and the strands are damp, probably from a snowy breeze. His horns have a bit of ice crusting them, and his expression is thoughtful as he touches my cheek. "I did not wish to wake you," he murmurs. "But I could not resist touching you."
"You can always touch me," I tell him, tucking a hand under my cheek to watch him. "Are you…okay?"
"I am a bad mate," Dagesh says softly, his finger stroking my cheek again. "I made you cry."