It wasn't easy. Christ, it was one of the hardest things he'd ever done. To tell his best friend the way he'd been tormented as a teen by that fucking bitch. To explain his screwed up, violent, horrible fantasies. The kink he was into. Everything he craved with Jane.
He told Liam that Jane had said she could handle it, but he'd never fully believed her. Hell, he even told Liam about the playroom she'd had built in one of the old maids' rooms in her townhouse, part of a last-ditch effort to convince him that she meant what she said.
And then, worst of all, he actually confessed to his best friend that he hadn't penetrated a woman since he was fifteen.
"Wow," Liam said, blinking and looking a bit like he was in shock. "You really are badass. All those women saying you've fucked them."
"Yeah, I'm just like David Copperfield. Master of illusion."
"And seriously screwed up, too."
And despite the hell he'd just put himself through, Dallas broke down and laughed. "Thanks," he said. "Thanks a lot."
Liam waved it away. "I don't mean your angst or your cock. I mean that all this really is messing with your head if you're telling it to me."
"It is," Dallas admitted, running his fingers through his hair. "And I haven't even told you everything about last night." He did now, though. About the intense sexual violence of his dreams. About Jane taking advantage of his erection. About the way he'd taken her, not realizing it was her. And then had kept on going when his senses returned, wanting to claim her. Needing to know if she could go with him as far as she'd said.
"And that's why you don't want her at Colin's? You don't think you can be around her right now?"
"Honestly, I'm more concerned that she'll be okay seeing me. What I did to her ... the way I just took her ... Christ, I'm such an ass."
"An ass? Maybe. But you're also dense and blind."
"What the hell?"
"Are you even looking at her?" Liam demanded. "Are you listening to her? Or are you believing whatever the hell you want to believe and seeing what you think you should see?"
Before Dallas could speak, his friend continued. "You're embarrassed and scared and yeah, maybe you have a right to be worried, but you're the one who ran, dude. Not Jane. Do you really believe she doesn't want to see you? That she doesn't believe you two can get past this? I mean, hell. She told you she could deal. Maybe you ought to do her the courtesy of believing her."
Dallas's stomach twisted, because Liam was right. He remembered her words from before they'd committed to being together. She'd said that he had her on a pedestal when she shouldn't be. She swore that his darkness didn't scare her. More important, she said it wouldn't break her.
He'd told himself he believed her, but he hadn't. Not really. She would always be on a pedestal to him. She would always be the one true thing in his life.
But maybe Liam was right. Maybe she could be both.
Hell, maybe she had to be. Because if she couldn't be right down there in the dark with the real Dallas--with all his screw-ups and faults and fucked up needs--how could she be his truth?
"Dallas, man? You gonna answer me this century?"
"Sorry." He drew in a breath. "I do want to get past this. Hell, I want everything with her. But the real bottom line is that I don't want to hurt her. I can't live with myself if I hurt her."
"No? What do you think walking away from her did?"
"I thought I was protecting her."
"Yeah? Well, that was--"
"Bullshit," Dallas finished. "Yeah. I get it. I screwed up."
"Big time. Doesn't do you a whole lot of good to bolt. I mean seriously, man, I thought you had bigger balls than that."
"She brings me to my knees, Liam."
Liam nodded. "I know she does. And I'm happy for you. Not sure I could handle being so ripped up by a woman, but I get that you love her. And god knows I've spent enough time with you two to know you're meant to be together."
"So what should I do?
"Talk to her. Figure it out together. And in the meantime, you litter her birth father's house with electronic listening devices."