Damn it. Of course she’d hurt him. She’d been a coward and left him only a note, after everything they’d shared over the past couple of months. The fact that she’d done it because she was scared to need someone so much, and even more scared for his very life probably wouldn’t have occurred to him.
“I care,” she said softly. “I care more than I ever wanted to.”
That seemed to anger him more. He grabbed her upper arms, none too gently, and pulled her close. “You have a hell of a way of showing it.”
She closed her eyes, sucking her bottom lip into her mouth, trying to find the words that would make him let her go without making him decide to do something she didn’t even want him to think about doing. Namely, coming back to Chicago to be with her, and returning to his old lifestyle.
In the end, though, there was only the truth. Lindsey had never been a liar; she just wasn’t good at it.
“Mike, I meant what I said in the note. I’m leaving because I have to get on my own feet again and start taking control of my own destiny.”
“Who’s stopping you?”
“Not you,” she insisted, not wanting him to think she blamed him. “It’s just become so easy to let my feelings for you dictate what I’m doing.”
He said nothing.
“I was also being honest about not wanting to be the one to cost you the life you’re building for yourself. I’ve caused you nothing but trouble, and if you lose your job and have to stop doing something you really want to do because of me, I just couldn’t live with it.”
His grip loosened a little. He continued to stare searchingly into her face, his eyes lit by the setting sun that turned them to amber.
“There’s more. Tell me the rest.”
“What?”
“Let down the walls. Stop holding back. Say what you really feel and tell me what you really want.” He lifted a hand and stroked her cheek. “Please, Lindsey. Don’t keep protecting yourself, not from me. You don’t have to be afraid to show me the real you.”
Knowing what he was asking of her, Lindsey trembled. Was she being a coward? Was this all based on fear? Her fear of losing him, of him being hurt, even her fear of actually having to come out and admit she loved him?
Was running away, making excuses that it was for his own good, all really about her inability to actually trust him with her heart?
“I love you,” she whispered, the words barely rising from her lips.
He stepped closer. “What?”
She swallowed, gathering her strength. “I love you, Mike. I love you so much, but loving you has made me almost forget who I am. I’m too vulnerable to you.”
He cupped her face in his hands, staring at her, his eyes filled with tenderness. “Do you trust me, Lindsey? Do you trust me with every bit of yourself—your secrets, your dreams, your dark thoughts, your fondest memories?”
She considered, but not for long. Nodding, she revealed what was in her heart. “Yes, I do.” She breathed deeply, feeling as though a weight had been lifted. “I really do. I love you so much, and I can’t imagine my life without you, which, frankly, scares me to death. And I hate being scared, damn it! I just hate—”
He cut her off, covering her mouth with his, kissing her deeply, tenderly, as if he wanted to take away her fear and her doubts and savor only the admission that she loved him. She clung to him, their bodies melting together on the edge of the ferry, close to where they’d first met. The craft might have started moving, or they might still be at the dock. She didn’t know, and she didn’t care. She’d given him the truth, and she’d admitted it to herself.
He was a man she could trust with every ounce of herself, heart, mind and body.
He ended the kiss to whisper, “I love you. I’m crazy, wildly, madly in love with you.”
She couldn’t help smiling, even as tears pricked her eyes again. So strange to be such a weepy woman after all these years of stoicism. So strange to be smiling after so much confusion.
How could she not smile, though? Mike loved her. Really loved her. This hadn’t been just a fling for him, any more than it had been for her. She felt as though someone had given her a precious gift, one she’d protect and cherish for as long as she lived.
He lifted his hand and brushed a tear off her cheek with the tip of his finger. “I love the strong, independent, powerful you. I would never want you to change. And if I’ve done anything to make you think I don’t love that wonderful part of you, please feel free to slap me.”
“Never.”
“I think you’re utterly magnificent, Lindsey Smith, and I can’t imagine spending my life with any other woman in the world.”