“That’s just it,” she says. “You can’t fix it. You didn’t do anything wrong. You can’t make yourself feel a certain way. And I’m starting to think the reason why you keep volunteering to go on these tours is to stay away from me.”
I open my mouth to argue, but she shakes her head. “Ryan, five tours in six years isn’t normal. I looked it up. You’re choosing to go. Most husbands don’t want to go, but you can’t wait to.”
She’s right, but it’s not because of her. It’s all I know. It’s what makes sense to me. Growing up—once I was adopted by my parents—I was raised in a loving household. My parents are married and in love, and are damn good parents. My older sisters, Faith and Chloe, never treated me like the annoying little brother. I went to the best schools and was given everything I could ever want.
But I never felt like I truly fit in. Something deep inside me craved something more. I can’t explain it. It was like my body and mind were at war with each other, both on the losing side. I wondered if maybe it was genetic, like my bio parents were broken, so I was too. So, I did the only thing I could think of—I ran—used the military as a way to escape and not have to deal with reality. While serving, I took classes and received my engineering degree. I worked my way up the ranks, proved myself, and eventually became a sergeant in the Special Forces. When I’m at work, I feel like everything just clicks, like I have a purpose.
“When I get back, we can talk,” I tell her, unsure what else to say. I have to be at the base in less than twenty minutes. I have men who depend on and need me.
“When you get back, I won’t be here.” She doesn’t say the words with malice, but as a matter-of-fact. We’re married, but everything we have is technically mine, and the prenup protects me completely. The cars, the house, the money—everything is mine. She never asked to be on anything, and I always just handled it all.
“You can have the house. It’s paid off. I’ll have the deed transferred to you.” It’s only right. She’s lived here since we got married and moved to Carson City. She’s decorated and furnished it the way she likes, and it’s only five minutes from the hospital she works at. “And your car too, of course. You can have that.”
She nods once, her lips forming a flat line. “And what about our marriage? I would like to find someone…” she says slowly. “Someone who wants the same things as me. I want to start a family. And I would never cheat on you.” I know she wouldn’t. Laura is as loyal as they come. She’s the perfect wife, and I fucking suck for not being able to love her like she deserves.
“I’ll have someone draw up the papers for us to sign.” The last thing I want is for her to be stuck with me for another year while I’m gone. She deserves everything life has to offer, and I hate that I can’t be the one to give it all to her.
She nods again and then wraps her arms around my neck, hugging me tight. “One day you’re going to fall in love and you won’t want to run away,” she whispers into my ear. “You’ll want to be with the woman you love. But first, you have to stop running so you can meet her.”
She backs up slightly and grants me a soft smile, then kisses my cheek. “Be safe, Ryan.”
Micaela
“I can’t believe you’re graduating tomorrow.” Lexi, my best friend and pseudo cousin, takes a hit off the joint she brought with her as a graduation gift and passes it to me.
I take a small hit, since I’m not usually one to get high, and nod. “This will be you next year.” I pass the joint to Georgia, my other pseudo cousin and best friend. “Both of you, right?”
“Yep,” Lexi says, speaking for her younger sister like she often does. “Georgia took extra classes and we’ll be walking across the stage together. We’ll both be free from educational hell in twelve months.”
Without taking a hit, Georgia passes the joint to Lexi. “I’d hardly call it hell. We go to a private school that costs more a year than most pay for their house.” She rolls her eyes playfully. “Our lunch is catered and includes items like sushi and Thai, and we have a Starbucks… an actual Starbucks in the quad.”
I laugh at that, but don’t argue. She’s not wrong. Lexi and Georgia live in Los Angeles and attend one of the most prestigious private schools on the West Coast. Similar to the one I attend here in Las Vegas… well, did attend. As of tomorrow at ten o’clock I will officially be a high school graduate. And come August I’ll be a freshman at the University of Las Vegas.