I have to believe him. I can't stomach believing anything else.
He turns back to me with that million-dollar smile. "Why's Star Wars comfort food?"
"My dad loves it." I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. I had a good childhood, but it's all bittersweet with the distance between me and Lily. "They re-released Star Wars theatrically when I was a kid. A tiny kid. Three or four. My dad took me and Lily."
"Your mom wasn't into it?"
"No. She's not a movie person. She's more into books. Nonfiction."
"What's she do?"
"She teaches middle school science."
"And your dad makes bank doing special effects?"
"Yeah. Usually. It's not the most stable industry. But we were never lacking growing up. I guess we have that in common. Running from privilege."
"To Brentwood and Santa Monica."
I laugh. He has a point. We're in two of the most expensive cities in Los Angeles. We aren't exactly slumming it. "Lily fell in love with the movies right away. I always wanted to be like my big sister. So, I said I loved them too. We'd watch them every weekend. And we'd play Star Wars. She'd be Luke and I'd be Leia and my dad would be Han, which I guess is kind of weird now that I think about it."
He laughs. "Freudian."
"He's widely discredited. But his work was the basis for huge chunks of psychology
. So…"
"That why he's your Instagram handle?"
I nod. "It was going to be Freudian Nip Slip, but I didn't think anyone would get it."
He laughs. "It suits you."
"Thanks."
He slides onto the couch next to me.
I swallow hard. "We had so much fun pretending to go on adventures. And just watching the movies. Once I got older, I started to see more in them. It's like your tattoo, Luke on Tatooine, looking at the moons, wanting more. Star Wars has always felt like the promise of more. Of friendship and adventure and purpose. When I watch it, I feel like I can have all that. Even when I can't."
"You think you can't now?"
"Sometimes. But not the way I used to. More like… I'm growing up and I realize I have to make compromises."
He nods.
Warmth fills my chest. Possibilities scared me after the first time I bombed the GRE. That's why I started using. To erase those thoughts.
And now that I'm sober, they're scary in a different way. It's overwhelming, being a blank slate.
But I'm coming around.
Surfing, hiking, sleeping with a dirty talking sex god…
There's a lot of wonder in the world. I'm ready to find it. To open myself up to wanting things as badly as I wanted to get into grad school. To the disappointment that comes when things don't' work out.
I slide onto his lap. "Thank you."
"For?"