A smile threatened to tug at his mouth as he ackno
wledged the fact that she had done as no other woman had managed in more years than he cared to remember. She had made him lose control.
He should be angry at her, hell, he should be angrier with himself. He hadn’t even remembered to don a condom.
He grimaced at the thought of that added, forgotten protection. He knew she was on birth control, but that was no excuse. He rarely allowed himself the freedom of sex without a condom. Kimberly had been the first in recent memory. And now Courtney.
He sighed wearily, turning from the sight of her sleeping form and pacing to the window to stare into the night with a frown.
His flesh prickled with the memory of the pleasure he had found in releasing his own control. It was a bittersweet memory, tinged with regret. If he was going to carry through with this abrupt change in the relationship he shared with Courtney, then he was going to have to be very careful. A hell of a lot more careful than he had been thus far.
The woman was enough to make a saint crazy, he admitted to himself. From the moment she had walked through the door to his home she had tempted, teased and pushed her way past his defenses.
Any other woman would have been out on her ass weeks before. But this was Courtney. And he had admitted that some part of him had known exactly what she was up to when her father had called, expressing her desire to visit for a while. He had known and he had allowed her to arrive anyway.
This rested on no one’s head but his own.
What now?
He rubbed his hand over his face as he snorted mockingly.
Dane would of course kill him. It was just a matter of time before the other man found out that Ian was fucking his sweet, precious little girl. And Ian couldn’t even blame him. If he had a daughter, he’d lock her in her room until she was a dried-up old prune to keep her from entering the life he lived.
For the first time since he had entered the sexual, carnal atmosphere of sharing his women, Ian felt a pang of remorse. Remorse because he knew he could never truly be happy, sexually, without the excesses he had come to enjoy. And because he knew innocence such as Courtney’s could never survive within it.
Sighing wearily, he picked his pants from the floor and pulled them on over his underwear quickly before fastening them. Jerking his shirt over his shoulders seconds later, he strode to the door and opened it silently before leaving Courtney’s room.
It was too late to go back, and he knew it. Hell, he didn’t want to go back. Fucking her had been more pleasure than he had imagined it could be. Seeing her uninhibited response had spiked his arousal further. The challenge she presented kicked his sexuality into overdrive.
She had won this round.
He had lost control.
He smiled coldly as he entered his own room and headed for the shower. The next round would be his though. She thought emotion was the basis for sex. For her, it always would be. He had learned years ago though, to never allow emotion to interfere with the sensual side he possessed. The potential for pain was just too great.
He could enjoy a woman, pleasure one and be pleasured by them. His sex drive was, at times, all-consuming. It was his greatest hunger. And somehow, Courtney had managed to tap into an area of that sexuality that he had been unaware of. His affection for her and his knowledge of her innocence was a heady aphrodisiac for some unknown reason. He couldn’t figure out why, had never been able to understand why she could make him so hard, so damned fast and so hungry for her that even his fantasies became filled with her.
As the hot, soothing water of the shower pelted over his skin, he closed his eyes, remembering her hands, her mouth, the wickedness in her eyes. There was so much he could show her, so many ways to pleasure that he could teach her, without stealing the innocent joy he saw in her gaze. He didn’t have to share her. There was no need to dim that purity with his more extreme desires.
For a moment, the memory of her dark, laughter-filled brown eyes was replaced with hazel, staring sightlessly, accusingly up at him.
His jaw clenched.
Opening his eyes he hurriedly finished the quick shower before drying and padding back to his bed. He wanted nothing more than to join Courtney in her bed. To pull the warmth of her body close and hold her as he slept.
He threw himself into his own bed instead, growling at the thought of the many ways he would never get any sleep if he did anything so foolish.
Yet, as he stared up at the ceiling, a frown creasing his brow, he found himself fighting the urge to do just that, rather than to sleep.
You’re so depraved, Ian. I sold my soul into hell to be your woman. To what end? This is my end.
The words haunted him. Written words signed in blood.
Yes. He was depraved. He was well aware of the extremity of his tastes, and he had made certain his lovers were well aware of it as well. He had never pretended to be anything other than what he was. Yet, it seemed he paid daily for one mistake, for allowing his emotions to cloud the sex and failing to see the danger his lifestyle could pose to another.
She had been young. Hell, he had been young.
Her name had been Melissa. Melissa Gaines. And she had killed herself because of him, because of his hungers, his depravities. Because he had taken an innocent and introduced her to the lifestyle that had drawn him so fiercely.