I kissed her harder to silence the voices, and made fists to prevent myself from grabbing her hands and pinning her down. Our legs were entwined, though, and she was arching against me, making needful sounds.
Shit. Maybe I could give her what she needed, as a service. I was a Dominant, but maybe I could serve, just this once, and put her needs before mine. Maybe I could quiet the violent spirits that wanted to possess her, and make gentle love to her instead, the way a normal, considerate man would. How hard could it be? I could go through the motions. I could do it without hurting her. Maybe.
I let my body ease down against hers. Her arms came around me, holding me close, making me shudder with the depth of longing to be inside her. I slid along her body so my rigid cock lay against her center, with only our clothes between us. I knew she could feel my hard-on through my pants, but its size and breadth didn’t seem to faze her. She pressed her body to mine, all her slender muscles taut with desire.
“Alice,” I whispered. “What do you want?”
“You.” She said it without thought, without pause.
Because she didn’t understand.
I let out a tortured breath and pressed harder against her, body to body. If we weren’t clothed, I’d be inside her. I wouldn’t have been able to go for a condom. I would have just thrust inside her and ridden her without mercy. Gentle lovemaking? Fuck. Even with clothes between us, I could feel myself turning to a monster, wanting to devour her, consume her, possess her with rough, unrestrained passion born of too much longing. Years of longing.
My body still tried to argue with my mind, as I pulled her thighs wider and slid my body against hers, mimicking penetration. Maybe she was into violence. Maybe she was into rough sex. Maybe she wanted a monster for a lover. Maybe she was into dungeons where submissive women served Dominant men and weren’t allowed safe words.
Maybe…
Maybe I could restrain myself before I revealed the depth of my perversion, and destroyed our friendship for life. I pulled away, exerting the most effort I’d ever exerted in anything, missing her taste before our lips even parted. My whole body trembled at the physical agony of parting our bodies when I wanted her so much.
“Wait,” I said. I forced myself off the couch to kneel beside her. “Please, we can’t do this. If we start, things will go too far.”
“I want them to.” She gazed at me, her lips full and kissable. “You can’t go too far. I want you, Milo. I want to kiss you and make out with you. I’ve wanted that forever, and if you want to go to bed together, that’s okay too. I’m not a virgin.” She laughed, a tight, scared laugh. “I’m not saving myself for marriage or anything.”
Go to bed together. That was how she put it. I stroked a lock of her hair, hating that I was this person, this deviant who didn’t dare go to bed together with someone I treasured so much. “You don’t understand. I—I can’t.”
She sat up, pulling her dress’s hem a little lower. “Why? Are you seeing someone else?” She looked embarrassed. Sad. “I thought you were single.”
“I am. It’s just…” I rubbed my eyes and let out a groan, willing my erection to subside. “I can’t do this because I respect you too much.”
“Oh God. You respect me.” Her head fell back against my couch. “I’m throwing myself at you, and you’re not interested.”
“Alice—”
“It’s okay.”
She stood, and I stood too, catching her before she could back away. She was upset, and I could barely think. I wanted her, still. I wanted her so hard and so rough, so violently that it would feel like rape to her, even if it was consensual.
I had to get her out of here, but now she was crying. I took her in my arms, trying not to stab her with my granite-hard cock.
“This is awful,” she said, shedding tears against my shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?” The last thing she should have been was sorry. I was the monster.
“I came here to do this. I mean, a little bit, I asked to see your violin because I wanted to—” She burst into more tears, sniffling through her confession. “I thought, maybe, the two of us could have something, you know, more than a friendship.”
“Alice, listen.” I tilted her head up so she had to meet my gaze. “We will always have a friendship.”
She gave a wild, broken laugh. “You’re so wonderful to say that. This is just really embarrassing, you know?” She pulled away from me, shaking her hands like she was shaking off everything that had just happened between us. “But I get it. You want a friendship only. That’s okay.”
She thought all of this was a rejection. She thought there was something lacking in her that made me pull away. I could see it on her face, plain as a printed book, and it was so far from the truth I wanted to laugh.
I couldn’t let her go on believing that. What could I tell her, to explain but not really explain? If I told her the full and honest truth—I want to hold you down and hurt you for my sexual satisfaction—it would only make things worse.
I told a half-truth instead. “Things are complicated with me right now.”
“You don’t want a relationship.” It wasn’t a question. She said it matter-of-factly. “You just want sex. Is that what you’re trying to say?”
“No. Why would you think that?”
Her gaze dropped to my crotch, where my pants did a damn shitty job of hiding my lingering erection. “You got excited,” she pointed out, “so you can’t have no feelings for me at all.”
“Men get excited when—” My voice cut off. It was even worse to make her think any female body could elicit the reaction she got out of me. “Okay, yes. It excited me to…to see that side of you come out when I kissed you. The sensual side. It was beautiful to see you so aroused, and I was…God, Alice…I got aroused too. But you have to understand that I’m just not…not in a position where I can…”
“Please stop trying to explain,” she said.
I fell silent, grateful, because every word felt like a lie, and I was too cowardly to tell her the truth. Blue watched us moodily from his bed by the fire.
Damn it all, I thought. I want you so badly. If you knew… But I couldn’t tell her. I bit the inside of my lip to keep the words inside.
“Okay, you know what?” She took a deep breath and faced me. “I just want…” She put her hands together in front of her lips. “I want to put all this weirdness behind us. I don’t want you to avoid me, or run away from me at your parents’ future parties.”
“I wouldn’t. I won’t.”
“We have to stay friends
, because I want you to teach my kids how to play the violin some day. You know, if I ever have kids.”
I forced the tension in my nerves to unfurl. Alice could make everything okay. She’d always been the emotionally gifted one. “If you have kids, I’ll teach them the violin,” I agreed.
She laughed, a mostly natural laugh that signaled the worst had passed. “You should see your face, Milo. All you want right now is to get away from me.”
All I want right now is to tie you to my bed and ravish you in quasi-legal ways, but whatever… “That’s not true,” I said aloud. “I don’t want to get away from you.”
“Can I sleep over tonight, then? It’s cold, and I feel too tired to go home.” She glanced over at Blue. “Maybe he’ll let me share his bed.”
I sighed inwardly. I could let her sleep in my guest room, easily, but then she’d be close, too close, and I’d obsess about her all night. But I couldn’t say no, you can’t stay, after just denying that I wanted to get away from her. I had to make it so we could stay friends.
Blue appeared and nuzzled her hand, then mine, looking up at me as if to ask, What the fuck is wrong with you? Put her in the guest room, dude. What’s the worst that can happen?
“Of course you can stay over,” I said, ignoring Blue’s judgmental gaze. “Maybe we can get up and go to breakfast in the morning.”
Because that was the kind of shit friends did. I needed her in my life, even if her closeness threatened my sanity and self-control.
*
I didn’t think I’d be able to sleep at all with Alice in the guest room, considering it was just down the hall from my sex dungeon, but I did, drifting in and out of sensual dreams. I finally fell into a deeper sleep around five or six in the morning. It lasted until ten, when I woke to a silent apartment, and a small note propped against the pillow beside me.
Milo,
I’m so embarrassed about the way I acted last night. I shouldn’t have opened the box on all my crazy feelings, because I knew you didn’t want me to. I did it anyway, and I regret the discomfort I caused. I’m heading home so you don’t also have to deal with an awkward breakfast.