And if we go away together and we do work this out, and we do decide that being together is important enough to try to fix things with Alex, then we know that we have to try. Right now, that could make a huge difference. It would stop me from wondering whether or not walking away was the right thing. I would know for sure.
And there’s also the fact that I still really want to go – that I always wanted to go. I never stopped. But that fills me with new guilt the reminder that I’m only doing this because it’s what I want to do. It’s selfish. I shouldn’t be following my own wishes at the expense of Alex’s feelings. That’s not what friends do.
And around and around again it goes in my head, until I know I just have to stop thinking about it and go with my gut. I have to give him the answer that makes the most sense to me – whether good or bad. I have to make this decision now, and there’s no time to carry on thinking about it, torturing myself, getting nowhere.
I open my mouth to give him my answer, knowing in my heart that it’s the only decision that I can take without leaving myself feeling that I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.
Chapter Thirty
Finn
I hang on tenterhooks, just waiting for her to say something. It feels like the silence stretches out forever. I see different expressions flitting across her face, her eyes flicking up and down and to the side, following some thought pattern that I can’t see. But then she looks up at me and opens her mouth, and despite the wait, a flare of nerves has me almost wishing she would draw it out longer.
Especially if she’s going to say no.
“I’ll come with you,” she says quickly. “This weekend – let’s do it. We need to know whether this could work before we try to force it to work with Alex.”
I resist the urge to punch the air and yell in victory, partly because I don’t think the other patrons of the café would appreciate it and partly because – even though it’s been twenty years since I dated – I’m simply not a college kid anymore. I should be playing it cool – but not so cool that she doesn’t know how happy she’s made me.
“Thank you,” I say, beaming as I lean forward to press one of her hands in mine – not afraid to touch her any longer. Though I won’t push it, I know now that she won’t pull away. Not from something as slight as this. “Really, thank you. Even that much is enough. I can’t wait to spend this weekend with you.”
She smiles slightly, enough so that I know that – despite her fears about the way Lexie might react down the line, or that this isn’t right – she feels happy about the idea of being together. “We shouldn’t spend too much time together before then,” she says. “Just in case. Everyone’s talking about us on campus. I don’t think it would take too long for word to get back to Alex.”
“Of course.” I draw away from her now and get up from my chair, adjusting my suit jacket as I go. I lean down to kiss her on the forehead, just once, quick and almost chaste, so that no one could accuse us of impropriety. It might be interpreted just as a goodbye. A quick glance around the room tells me that no one is watching. “At any rate, I have to go and make some plans now.”
“Oh, of course,” Candy says, her cheeks turning pink. “I didn’t think about that. Is there even enough time to have everything ready?”
“Don’t worry about it,” I assure her. “I have an assistant who can handle things at the gallery. That means I have all day to get everything sorted out. I usually find that anything can be booked at short notice, so long as you’re willing to pay.”
Candy bites her lip. “I… I feel bad. Do you need me to put anything toward the bookings?”
I laugh. “You, pay? No. Candy, maybe it’s because I’m older, but I’m a little old fashioned. I’m the one who invited you on this trip, so I’ll pay for it. You don’t even have to bring anything with you – I mean it. I’ll take care of everything.”
“Alright,” she says, though a little doubt remains in her tone. I hope to cure her of that by the end of the weekend, too. If she’s going to be with me, she’s going to have to get used to having me spend money on her. I didn’t work this hard for twenty years just to keep all of my money in a bank. I have some set aside in a retirement fund, some as a wedding fund for Lexie, and the rest is all mine to spend as I wish. And I do wish.