His eyebrows shot up. “I think a puppy would take too much of your attention away from me. I mean, you’re already commandeering my fruit snacks; what if I got you a puppy and you started ignoring me or provoking me on purpose?”
I snorted out a laugh. “Admit it, you’d like it.”
“I admit everything.” His arms tightened around my body; I had to tilt my head up to see him. “I admit I’m an asshole, but I think you like me that way. I think me being polite scares the shit out of you.”
“Because you aren’t polite,” I blurted. “You’re mean.”
“I know.”
“And cruel.” I just kept going. “You’re the definition of a selfish asshole who thrives on others’ pain.”
“True and true,” he admitted.
I sighed. “You’re supposed to get mad.”
“Why would I get mad at my own twisted truth? If you want to make me mad, just try to change me; that will make me mad. But you don’t want the gentleman…” He pressed forward, his lips against my cheek as he whispered. “You want the sinner.”
I closed my eyes as my knees weakened.
He gripped the towel in one hand, tugging it away from me.
My breaths came fast and shallow. “What are you doing?”
“Making you fall…” Just as he said it, the towel pooled at my feet, and then his hands were cupping my face. “Look at me.”
I opened my eyes, terrified of what I’d see. “I’m looking.”
“I’m not,” he said simply. “And I won’t look. I swear to you I won’t look until you’re ready because I know this is too soon. I know I sliced over and over again and never even attempted to stop the bleeding. I know that now… So I’m not going to look even though it’s fucking killing me. I just want you to know that you’re beautiful. That I care. That I won’t stop caring even if you shove me away the way I did you.” His thumbs moved against my jaw. “And Annie?”
I couldn’t trust my voice. My tongue felt thick, my throat dry.
“You aren’t alone.” He shook his head. “Not anymore.”
He released me and turned away like he was leaving.
“Wh-what about the fruit snacks?” I asked.
His dark chuckle said it all. “I’ll get even… one day…”
“Ash!’
The door clicked shut behind him.
And I knew.
Sleep… would be completely futile, maybe for the rest of my life as I fell against my bed completely naked and wanting.
Him.
Always him.
Only him.
And as I looked out my window, I watched the stars.
And wished.
Begged.
Prayed.
That he’d be mine…
“Until the stars fall..” I whispered into the night.
Chapter Twenty-Four
“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live.” —Norman Cousins
Chase
January
“Things are better, then?” Phoenix asked just after New Year’s.
I glanced out the window as the snow continued to pile itself around Chicago and shook my head. “They’re hard to read.”
Phoenix snorted out a laugh. “Welcome to your twenties.”
“Were we ever that young?” I wondered out loud.
“No,” Tex said from his spot in the corner half-assed watching Dante and Nixon playing chess. Andrei and Valerian were deep in a discussion about Russian politics, and Sergio was reading a medical text that would probably scare a sane human.
Dom was at the door watching, guarding as always.
And there I sat.
It was the first time since her death that I wished I would have trusted more, trusted my friends, my family, the bosses.
We’d been to hell and back, over and over again, and yet, this secret wasn’t mine to keep, wasn’t mine to tell. And yet I knew, in the way that Phoenix sometimes looked at me—he knew I wasn’t the same.
Would never be the same after that day in the hospital, when the life left her eyes when she was lost to him.
My son.
My fucking son.
With his broken heart, spirit, soul.
I pounded the desk with my fist, gaining everyone’s attention before I even realized what I was doing.
“Someone’s panties in a twist?” Andrei grinned like he wanted to pick a fight.
But Nixon?
Nixon just shot me a cool stare that said. “Stop hiding.”
“What would you do…” I stood and stared out the window. “If someone you loved asked you to sacrifice everything at the risk of your own happiness?”
“Er, asking for a friend?” Tex joked.
I heard a muffled “ouch,” so clearly someone hit him.
“Seriously.” I lowered my head. “How do you even begin to unravel that?”
Phoenix spoke first. “If they truly love you, they don’t ask you to sacrifice what makes you… you.”
“Damn.” Dante laughed. “Phoenix just rose from the ashes a poet. Okay, Lord Byron, while I agree, it just depends on circumstances.”
“No.” Nixon was next. “I disagree. You give everything up for those you love at the risk of your own happiness; to do anything else isn’t love.”
I barked out a laugh. “Yeah, yeah, you won Trace, you’re such a dick sometimes.” He laughed with me. “You’re lucky I love my wife.”