“Works to do what?”
He went to step away, to head to the kitchen, to escape her questions, but she reached out and grabbed his arm. He could’ve easily pulled away. She didn’t have the strength to hold him, but he stopped anyway and stared at her fingers wrapped around his forearm.
He didn’t look at her when he said, “To curb my temper, to keep me from hurtin’ someone. To keep me from spinnin’ out of control. From seein’ red. To keep me from goin’ back to jail. To keep me from killin’ someone ‘cause they bumped into me or looked at me the wrong way or said somethin’ that rubbed me the wrong fuckin’ way. Any of it. All of it.”
“You can’t live without it.”
“Wish I could. But no, not unless I find somethin’ else.”
“Another outlet for your anger.”
“Yeah.”
“Why are you so angry?”
He frowned. “That couldn’t be explained in years of therapy, baby. Not even decades of it.”
“But isn’t it a good thing that you know how to control it?”
“Can’t always control it.”
“Why not?”
“’Cause no matter what, some things are outta our control, Red.”
That she understood. “Like what happened to me.”
He simply stared at her for a moment before saying, “Yeah, like what happened to you.”
He pulled his shirt back over his head, covering what had been done to him. What he had done to him. She had no idea by who, though.
And what else had happened besides those marks being left on his body?
What else did Sig, or that other person, get out of it?
It wasn’t her place to judge him. She didn’t know him as well as he knew himself.
He did what he thought needed to be done.
Even so, she could understand doing something someone else might not comprehend in an attempt to hang on to that last shred of sanity.
To do whatever was needed to survive.
She understood that only too well. So, she had no right to judge and, in truth, no right to question. “We can’t always choose what happens to us, but we can choose how to handle it.”
“That right there, Red, is an important thing you also need to remember.”
“Yes,” she murmured, heading toward the kitchen. “You’re right. I need to remember that, too.” She stopped in front of the coffeemaker and stared at it, but not seeing it. Her next words came out strangely flat. “I want to make pancakes.”
Right now, that was one thing she could control in her life.
“Whatever you want, Red.”
Whatever you want.
She wanted to heed her own advice, that was what she wanted. But she wasn’t sure if it would ever be possible.
She hoped she was wrong.
Chapter Twelve
She could understand doing something someone else might not comprehend in an attempt to hang on to that last shred of sanity.
To do whatever was needed to survive.
The room was eerily quiet as Autumn kept her face turned away from the monitor, not wanting to see it. Sig stood by her side, next to the table, staring at it instead. She had to close her eyes when his face twisted for a moment before he caught his reaction and quickly hid it.
She wanted him there. When she had put out her hand, he’d grabbed it. He kept holding it tightly as the tech rolled the wand through the gel and over her belly.
“You still don’t want to know the sex or hear the heartbeat, right?” Dr. Bryson asked gently.
“No,” she answered, concentrating on Sig’s belt. Was there a spot of dried blood on the bulky metal buckle?
“Well, it’s doing well, surprisingly. Being undernourished like you were could cause a multitude of birth defects, like organ failure, brain damage, or even blindness. It’s possible the baby could even die during childbirth. So, that’s something you need to be aware of, Autumn. But fortunately, we still have time to turn this pregnancy around. From what I can see, you have maybe eight weeks to go, unless it’s born prematurely. Which is also a risk. But both your weight and the baby’s weight are up significantly. And I assume the baby has been active?”
Autumn didn’t answer, she just tipped her eyes up to Sig. He nodded to the doctor.
“Good. Any spotting?”
“No,” Autumn murmured. Not since those first couple of days after Sig found her.
“That’s good, too.”
The tech finished up and cleaned off Autumn’s stomach before pulling her shirt down her to cover her up.
Dr. Bryson squeezed her knee. “You can sit up now.” She moved over and powered the table until Autumn was sitting upright.
The doctor waited until the tech left and, once the door was shut, she said, “Like I told you last week, my husband and I are looking to adopt and we’ve been on a waiting list... To be honest, it took him a long time to get to this point. You mentioned you might be interested in letting us adopt this baby, but before I go to him, I need to make sure it’s really what you’d want. You need to be sure. If you agree, my visits would be covered, we’d also pay for the birth and any medical expenses you incur.” She paused. “Let me give you a little background before you seriously consider this...”