He comes to the counter and slides into a stool as any other customer would. He smiles at me. I’m too angry to pretend not to be.
“Hi, beautiful,” he says.
I grind my teeth and remind myself that we’re in a public place. I can wait until we get home. I’ve held it together all day. I can do it for a couple more hours.
“What can I get you?” I ask and even manage a semblance of a smile.
My friendliness confuses Ace. He studies me before answering. “A beer, thanks.”
I congratulate myself and turn away to grab his beer from the fridge. I serve him as I would a new customer.
“Enjoy your beer,” I tell him as I slide it onto a coaster and move away to serve other customers.
I keep myself busy and only speak to Ace again when I’m serving him another beer. When my shift comes to an end, I don’t tell him, I simply hand over to Marc, the other bartender, and go to the back. I change into another t-shirt.
“Lexi, isn’t that Ace I saw out there?” Jen says coming into the changing room.
“Yes.”
“Are you leaving?” she says.
“Correct again.” I sigh. “We had a fight.”
She makes a face. “I hate those. Hope things work out. He seems like a great guy.”
“Thanks.”
I find Ace outside in the parking lot leaning on my car. “Were you just going to leave without telling me?”
I stop right in front of him. “That seems to be the new way of doing things.”
His casual stance melts. “I’m sorry, but I really needed to be alone.”
His words are a rejection all over again.
“You could have told me! I was frightened and worried sick! I thought something bad had happened to you.” Tears fill my eyes and I angrily wipe them away.
“Hey, come here,” Ace says. His tone, soft, and caring breaks through my anger. He holds me as I sob on his chest.
I feel like a fucking weakling. I should be angry, but my heart is singing. I’m at home, standing out in the parking lot, with Ace’s arms around me and his mouth whispering sweet things in my ear.
Then it hits me. I love him. I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to see that. Somehow, Ace has jumped from being my lover to a man that I’ve fallen in love with. My sobs subside and Ace takes me to his car.
“I want to say something,” Ace says. His voice has an edge to it. I tense. “I was in a bad place, Lexi. I’d thought that I was done with that PTSD crap only to have another episode. Group therapy had been going well. I felt like I had taken two giant steps back.”
I’m a person who minds their own business. I always have. With Vanessa and myself to worry about, and later Luna, I simply have no time to poke my nose in other people’s businesses. It’s been that way even in my previous relationships. I let the other person work out their own issues. In a moment of clarity, I see how selfish that is. All I cared about were my own issues. Maybe I was the problem in my previous relationships. I think of my past hookups as men who were only interested in sleeping with me.
It’s possible that I turned them off as well by backing away when they had issues. I’ve never really been there emotionally for a boyfriend. Maybe if I had spoken up when Ace was having his episode, he might not have shut me out.
I inhale deeply as I gather the courage to say what I need to say. “Healing from something like that is bound to take time, Ace. It’s a process, not a one-time event. The episode did not frighten me. I’m here for you, Ace.” When I finish my little speech, I feel like I’ve run a marathon but when I look at Ace, it feels worth it.
“Really?” he says. “You’re not going to bolt and accuse me of being a nutjob?”
I shake my head. “We’re in this together.”
He takes my hand “I never expected that.”
“Was it the letter that brought it on?” I ask. I cringe inwardly when the question is out. He could tell me to mind my own business and frankly, I would prefer to. But if this relationship is to work, I have to ask the tough questions, no matter of how Ace might react. I have to care enough to ask.
“Yeah. They want to award me with a silver star,” Ace says.
“Congratulations,” I tell him. “It’s like a bravery award, right?”
“The thing is, there are so many other soldiers who lost their lives in the course of duty. and who deserve this more than I do.” His voice is filled with raw pain.
I wish I was equipped with the right words to take the pain away.