She stares at me. I look away. I feel like a failure. All the effort I’ve put into therapy has been for naught. I’ll never get better. Never have a normal life like other men. I’m a fool for thinking that I can turn back the clock and become the man I used to be. That man is dead.
Lexi leaves and shuts the door silently behind her. I’m a broken man and she deserves a whole man. I get into the shower and adjust it too hot. As hot as I can bear.
When I’m done showering, I dress quickly and tell Lexi I’m going to take the boat out. I don’t give her time to ask questions. I just need to be somewhere. Alone.
Chapter 25
Lexi
I can’t believe I’m back to this again. I grip my phone and listen to it ring but Declan doesn’t answer. It goes to voicemail and I disconnect. I try Ace again, although I know that he won’t pick up.
It’s nine P.M the next day and I’m worried sick. After the PTSD incident, Ace left the house saying he was taking the boat out. I understood that he needed time to work things out in his head.
I go to the kitchen for another cup of coffee. I’m high on caffeine but I need something to do. My heart aches as I imagine the pain that Ace must be going through. Now, I wish I’d spoken to him before he left, told him to be patient with himself. I’ve read a lot of literature on PTSD and recovery is a process. It takes time. I had tried to hug him, but he was cold and unresponsive and I backed off. I shouldn’t have. I should have held on, made him see that I was there for him and I was going nowhere.
Please help him be okay.
As the minutes tick away, other fears crowd my mind. What if I’m losing him? What if he gets exhausted from trying for us? Just when I feel that I can’t take the torment in my mind any longer, my phone buzzes.
I grab it off the counter. It’s Declan.
“Is everything okay?” he says.
“No,” I clutch the phone and tell him. Without a pause, I give him an abridged version of what happened. “He hasn’t come home yet.”
“Give me a few, I’ll call you back,” Declan says tightly.
I pace as I wait for Declan’s call. It seems to take forever but he finally does call me back.
“He took the sailing boat earlier today,” Declan says.
“Yes, I know,” I say. “But isn’t it a little late to be out in the ocean?”
“Not for Ace. It’s something he’s always done. When he has things on his mind, he takes the boat out, sometimes for days at a time,” Declan says. He sounds so apologetic and it’s not his fault. “He told Park not to expect him back today,” Declan says. “I’m sorry, Lexi.”
I’m glad we’re talking on the phone and not face to face. I’d hate for Declan to see the tears in my eyes.
“Ace knows his way around the water,” Declan says. “He’ll be fine. That’s what matters, right?”
I mumble a response.
When we disconnect the call, I’m livid. Ace should have told me that he wasn’t planning on coming back home tonight. I’ve been worried sick over someone who is perfectly fine.
I turn off the lights and go to bed. As I lay in Ace’s huge bed, the night reminds me of the time Luna was conceived. I feel lost. Same as I felt when I woke up and I couldn’t find Ace. I feel small and unimportant.
I close my eyes and pretend to sleep. All I can think about is Ace and us. We’re such different people and we deal with our problems differently. I should understand that Ace deals with his by being alone. My brain knows that, but all my heart feels is rejection. I can’t face the prospect of living life this way. Worrying every time we fight or Ace has an episode of PTSD. My stomach is a hard ball of tension. The kind of tension I endured with my mom as a child because I had no options. I do now.
The night drags on. I manage to fall asleep, mainly of mental exhaustion. The next morning, Luna and I get up and go on with our morning routine. I fight the temptation to call Ace or Declan. Helen comes to work mid-morning, and I get ready to go to mine.
It’s nice to have something to occupy my mind. Images of Ace’s body washed up on some remote island jumps to my mind but I remind myself that his brother and best friend are not worried. And they know him better than I do.
Then, at four, an hour to my closing time, Ace strolls in as though it’s any other Monday. I stare at him in disbelief. I close my eyes briefly, summon a deep breath, hold it, and then slowly let it out. It does nothing to quell the anger churning in my chest.