My mood is beginning to sour the more we talk about Vanessa and Miles’s relationship.
“Did I tell you that Declan came by the bar? He and Ace were meeting there and, wait for this, Ace introduced us and Declan pretended not to know me.”
Vanessa looks at me quizzically. The same way I suppose that I look at her when she’s talking about Miles. “You need to come clean to Ace.”
“I can’t. Not when we already pretended to be meeting for the first time,” I tell Vanessa.
“How would you feel if roles were reversed?”
Once Declan had recovered from the shock of learning that his brother’s one-night stand was pregnant, he had been a godsend. He had been there for me throughout the pregnancy, even going with Vanessa to shop for baby stuff. Every month since then he deposited money into my checking account. While it wasn’t a huge amount, it gave me security just knowing it was there. I never used it and now it has grown into a substantial amount.
“Why is he so adamant that Ace not find out?” Vanessa asks.
“Your guess is as good as mine,” I tell her.
We are silent for a while.
“Do you ever think about Mom?” Vanessa asks.
“Not if I can help it.” I sound cold but Mom broke my heart so many times when we were growing up, that my feelings for her died. “What about you?”
“I miss her,” Vanessa admits. “And I worry about her. I wonder if she has food to eat or somewhere to sleep.”
“If she had no food and no place to sleep, she would come home, so I guess she’s fine wherever she is.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” Vanessa says. “How do you manage not to think about her? Do you love her?”
“I’ve worried about her all my life. I just made a decision not to anymore. And yes, I love her. You can’t not love a parent.”
Vanessa has always been a mommy’s girl. No matter what Mom did, Vanessa forgave her. Not me. There’s too much hurt inside me to miss her. I hope she stays wherever she is.
We have a nice evening bonding. We cook dinner together, feed Luna, and then take her to bed. Later, we relax with glasses of wine and watch TV. With the sound off. Vanessa and I have always done that. We’d turn on the TV and turn down the volume. Then we’d talk and talk about anything. Boys, friends. I was her go-to person for advice when it came to boys. Not that I knew a lot. Before Ace, I’d only slept with two other guys. And both relationships had not lasted a month.
“Our family is expanding,” Vanessa says and sighs. “I wish Mom was here to see it.”
I’m glad she left rather than staying and making our lives miserable. It’s a shitty thing for your mom to bring different men home every night. It’s shitty to hear your mom’s groans and expletives when she’s having sex. That was the kind of life that she exposed us to. It was better when she was on a drinking binge. At least then, there were no strange men coming to sleep in our house.
I want stability for Luna. My mind meanders to Ace. Other than his episodes, he’s as near perfect as a man can be. He treats Luna like a princess. I want that for her.
That night, as I lay in bed, I make my decision. It seems like the right thing to do. I fish for my phone and decide to text Ace.
Me: Hey, my sexy firefighter.
I tuck my phone back under my pillow. He might be on a job and will probably see my text message later. To my pleasant surprise, my phone vibrates. I almost break a finger in my hurry to get it.
Ace: Hi beautiful. Why aren’t you asleep yet?
Me: Lots to think about. Me, you, Luna. Decisions to make.
Ace: Yeah?
My hands tremble as I write out the next message.
Me: Luna and I accept the invitation.
Ace: You’re killing me here. I made two invitations. One to attend a birthday party and the other to move in with me.
Me: Both.
He doesn’t text back for the next couple of minutes and I start to worry. Then my phone lights up and relief floods me.
Ace: Sorry about that. I may have celebrated too loudly and the guys all wanted to know why. Now everyone knows my business.
I laugh because I’ve come to know Ace as a very private man. I grin as I imagine him shouting yes! After he read my message. His enthusiasm and joy make me feel wanted. I do need to address some of my worries. No time like the present, I tell myself.
Me: What happens if you and I don’t work out? Will you kick us out?
Ace: (Horror emoji.) I’m not insane. Of course not! I’ll move out. I promise. I’d be happy to draw up an agreement. I own the condo outright. Bought it when I returned from Afghanistan.