“You have an impaling room?”
Vlad looked suddenly sullen. “I did. It was unceremoniously taken from me by some asshole with high cheekbones and a tight ass.”
Lucian put his palm to his forehead. I grinned, noticing that he did have nice, high cheekbones. I’d already noticed the ass about two seconds after meeting him, too.
I lowered my voice, partly because we were still standing in the doorway of my apartment and in danger of summoning all my roommates and because I didn’t want Vlad to hear. “He’s joking about all the torture and impaling stuff, right?”
Lucian hesitated a beat. “Yes.”
I watched him, noting that he wasn’t making eye contact. Terrible liar. But I couldn’t imagine Vlad, who seemed like a bumbling, stumbling fool hurting anyone.
“Cara? Did you bring friends?” Zack called from the kitchen.
“Nope!” I said. “Just—”
A moment later, Parker and Zack both walked into view. Zack was chewing on something—probably something expired. Parker was running a hand through his patchy beard and looking at Vlad and Lucian with rapidly increasing interest.
“Who are these guys?” Zack said.
Vlad waved. “I’m Vlad. You may have heard of me. I once impaled ten thousand of my enemies in a single night. You should have heard the screams.” He grinned, then cupped his hands around his mouth and let out a long, whispering hiss that I guessed was supposed to be an approximation of the sound.
“Uh,” Zack said, looking at Parker.
Parker shook his head. “Where did you find these guys, Cara?”
“They are cosplayers,” I said quickly. “It’s like when people dress up as popular characters and pretend. Right, Lucian?” I asked, elbowing him.
“Yes,” Lucian said. “I am Lucian Undergrove. A vampire. And I have successfully resisted the urge to feed on and copulate with your roommate, Cara Skies, for several days now. I plan to continue that resistance for as long as I’m able.”
Vlad laughed, then burped. “I’ll eat ‘er if you’re not gonna, Lucy.”
Lucian stiffened. “I’ve told you not to call me that, you pig.”
Vlad bulged his eyes, sarcastically pretending to be scared as he cowered. He slapped his own ass and wandered deeper into the apartment, ignoring the looks Parker and Zack gave him. A moment later, we heard the refrigerator open. There was a carbonated hiss of a soda bottle opening, swigging, then the sound of Vlad aggressively spitting it out—hopefully in the sink.
“Why did you bring cosplayers home, exactly?” Zack asked.
Vlad came back before we could respond. “Oh,” he said, snapping his fingers. “Look here humans. You didn’t see shit. You’re tired, and you’re going up to bed. Also, you have no idea who clogged the toilet.”
Zack and Parker looked dazed.
“Vlad!” I said. “What is with you vampires and thinking it’s okay to just re-write human brains whenever it suits you? Seriously, how long have you guys been pulling this shit?”
Vlad counted on his fingers, then appeared to give up with a shrug. “I don’t know, a thousand years or so?”
“Have any of your kind ever done a study to make sure it’s not harmful? No long-term effects? Cancer?”
He laughed. “Humans already suffer from a harmful long-term effect. They’re mortal and they all die in the blink of an eye.” He nudged Lucian, looking for support, but Lucian at least had the good sense to keep a straight face and study the ground.
“Well?” I asked, focusing on Lucian now.
“I’m fairly sure nothing bad happens after we manipulate the memories of humans.”
I shook my head. “You guys are unbelievable. Vlad, no more memory wiping.”
He barked a laugh. “You may ‘ave Lucy Boy by the cock, but unless you’re planning to let me poke you, I don’t take your orders.” As if to demonstrate the fact, he snapped his fingers at Zack and Parker. “Dance for me, humans.”
Zack, for some reason, dropped into a squat with his hands on his knees and started twerking his ass at us. Parker did some sort of shimmying awkward combination between kick boxing ghosts and twitching that he must’ve thought was a dance.
I covered my eyes. “God. Vlad get out of my apartment. Lucian, let’s get to my room before the others come down.”
Vlad grabbed himself some more things from our fridge before agreeing to leave. Lucian and I were just closing my door when I heard Mooney start cracking up laughing. “Get it, Zack! Shake that bubble butt, baby. Yo! Niles! Bring me my phone, dude. You’ve got to see this!”
I put my finger to my lips, signaling for Lucian to be quiet.
He nodded, then walked silently to his spot in the corner of my room and laid down, crossing his arms over his chest and assuming his usual adorably cliché sleeping position.
I grinned, slipping into bed fully clothed. It wasn’t comfortable, but I knew better than to take off clothes around Lucian. Our days were full enough that it was easier to ignore the thumping sexual need the bond always kept simmering. But in the quiet moments, the visions started rising to the front of my thoughts. Visions of his lips on mine and his hands tangled in my hair—pinning me to the bed and kissing my neck.