“Thank you very much for deciding that for me,” I huff. I want to be mad. I want to strangle the steering wheel so that I don’t strangle Dean, but it was all half-hearted. Dean is my best friend, and I had no idea he thought that about me. That I wasn’t living my life. That I was just going through the motions.
Is that really what I was doing?
“Sorry,” Dean says quietly. “I’ll just shut up and let you take me home now.”
I wait a few minutes until I’m parked in front of Dean’s parent’s bungalow. It’s only a few blocks from my parents’ house. “Don’t be sorry,” I blurt as Dean reaches for the door handle. “You were right. That’s what I was doing. I was scared to take a chance on anyone, even myself. I was scared I’d get hurt again, but I was doing this zombie thing where I was trying to feel nothing. I get where my parents were coming from now that you pointed it out. And maybe it is letting those assholes win. God. If there’s one thing in the world I want to do, it’s to not let them get the better of me.”
Dean’s grin is back in place. He shoots me a thumbs-up as he gets out of the car. “Then do me a favor and get Gabriel to agree to a date or something. He’s hot, Pearl. Seriously hot. And nice. And rich. He’s the whole package. Don’t just let him go because you think it’s what’s best. I mean, you can always ask. If he says no, then whatever. Ask again. If he really says no, then I guess just drop it. I’ll find you someone better.”
“I doubt I could do better. I don’t want to do better,” I whine. “Not at the moment.”
Dean blinks at me. “Wow. It’s only been a couple of days, and you’re pretty serious about him, aren’t you? I picked a winner, I guess.”
“We’ll see.”
Dean gives me another thumbs-up, just to be positive. He leans down and talks through the window that I unwind with the driver’s side controls. “Go get ‘em, tiger.”
I slowly and dramatically roll the window up and give Dean the eye roll to end all eye rolls. “I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that.”
Dean, though, has already turned around and is walking up to the front door. I guess that leaves me free to drive away, back to my parent’s house. Back to ask, as Dean says. Just ask.
I’m not sure I’ve ever contemplated asking a set of more difficult questions in my life.
CHAPTER 20
Pearl
When I get back to the house, I’m so worried about rehearsing what I’m going to say so that it comes out right, I just about miss Gabriel completely. My parents always leave a floor lamp on in the living room. It’s one I hate. It’s old and ugly and just this plain black thing that probably cost them five bucks back in the day. I keep trying to get them to get a new one. I even bought them a really nice lamp a few years ago for Christmas, but they ended up returning it because their ‘tried and trusty,’ ugly as swamp farts lamp just keeps trucking, and they didn’t feel they needed a new one. Anyway, the bastard casts a golden glow over the room, so as I’m walking past, I catch sight of a shadow and abruptly back up a couple of steps.
Gabriel’s sitting in there, in the chair my dad usually takes. He’s staring out the window, which is kind of weird because the blinds are actually closed. Correction, he’s staring at nothing, I guess.
“Hey.” My voice is breathless, and not just because I was hustling from the car into the house.
“Hey,” he responds. His eyes finally track to me.
“Is this, you know…” I gesture between us. “Is this going to be weird? Because of what happened upstairs?”
“No.” Gabriel shakes his head, but he doesn’t sound confident.
Great, not great. This is a shit way to start this talk. I summon up what little courage and fortitude I have left and walk into the room like I don’t just have a massive burden I want to get off my chest (maybe burden isn’t the right word). There’s something there. Something huge and heavy. It felt good in the car. It felt right. Now, it just feels scary. I’m going to be putting myself out there in a big way, and I’ve learned from past experiences just how much rejection can hurt.
“Uh…” I drop down hard on the couch. “There’s something I wanted to talk to you about. Sorry I just disappeared. I needed to go for a drive. Think about things. Make sure I knew what I wanted to say.”
“Alright.”
There’s something wrong with Gabriel’s face. It’s his eyes or something. I don’t know. He just looks different—anything but receptive. My gut is telling me it’s not the right time to ask this, but I’m not sure if there’s ever going to be a right time, or if I’ll get another chance if I don’t take this one, so I blurt out what I need to say.