He tugged my hair to bare my neck, nipping me hard, snarling against my skin, "Ty svodish' menya s uma!" You madden me!
I felt his cock jerking inside me, then heat . . . burst after burst as I moaned his name--in a voice dripping with submission.
After I'd collapsed back against him, limp with satisfaction, Sevastyan kept our bodies joined, taking the opportunity to soothe his bite with a tender kiss on my neck.
Soon he started hardening again. I was exhausted, but the feel of him growing within me once more turned me on so much that I was ready for another round.
Yet he lifted me from his shaft, moving me bodily to the top of the bed. "I don't want to hurt you. I forget you were untried before this night."
I could already tell how sore I was going to be. Probably a good plan to take a breather.
He lay on his back, dragging me against his side. As he held me securely in the cradle of his arms, I rested my head on his chest. With the sound of his heart against my ear, I traced a tattoo, filled with fascination for this man--and a lingering unease.
I'd once imagined that I would be surrendering something when I lost my virginity. With Aleksandr Sevastyan, I might have surrendered . . . everything.
But fatigue was catching up with me.
As I was drifting off to sleep, he gruffly said, "I've got a thousand thoughts running through my head."
He was actually instigating a conversation? About what was on his mind? "Tell me. Even just one."
"Tomorrow, maybe," he said in a noncommittal tone. "Go to sleep."
"Just one, Sevastyan."
He exhaled. "This need I have for you . . . it should unsettle you."
I swallowed. It did. Still I asked, "Why?"
He pressed his palm against mine, studying our hands for nerve-racking moments. "Because it unsettles even me."
CHAPTER 29
I shot upright, waking to the sound of my own scream and boots stomping toward the cabin.
"Natalie?"
I was awake. On the boat. Just a nightmare.
In sleep, I'd relived those bullets spraying. I'd heard Paxan's treasured clocks shattering, thinking that he would be distraught at the loss.
Then I'd dreamed that Sevastyan had died by the boathouse, his mighty body felled. Raindrops had pelted his lifeless face, his unblinking eyes--
When he burst through the cabin door, I was already on my knees, reaching for him with a whimper.
He clasped me against him, tugging me into his lap as he sank down on the bed. "I've got you. Shh," he murmured, squeezing me against his chest. "Shh, milaya moya." He began rubbing my back with his big, warm hand, soothing me. God, I needed him. His strength, his heat.
In his arms, with his heartbeat drumming through my consciousness, I wondered how I could possibly have thought of this man as sinister.
When he was like this, I couldn't make myself regret last night's surrender. As he pressed kisses against my hair, I felt closer to him than I ever had to anyone.
How could I have regretted giving him anything I could . . . ?
The sound of voices outside roused me. "Where are we?" I asked.
"Docked outside of St. Petersburg." He tucked me even closer. "Do you want to tell me about it?"
No need to ask what I'd been having a nightmare about. "I . . . relived it," I said in a broken voice. "Then I dreamed you died."
"I'm not going anywhere, Natalie. But you've been through a lot. You weren't prepared for any of this."
"I'd sensed something was off with Filip. Yet I ignored my instincts. I should've said something."
Sevastyan shook his head. "I'd told Paxan about my misgivings, but he was ever loyal to his friends. He felt like he owed more to Filip, wouldn't heed my advice. I should've fought harder, made him see reason."
I gave a bitter laugh. "We're both blaming ourselves. Maybe we should blame Filip? Or Travkin?"
In a low tone, Sevastyan admitted, "I wish I could kill Travkin again."
Reminded of what he'd done, I asked, "Why did you walk into the lion's den to assassinate him? Why not wait?"
"The minute he marked you for death, he ensured his own. No one will ever hurt you. No one . . ." Sevastyan's hand on my back paused; he tensed all around me.
"What? What's wrong?"
I followed his gaze, saw my reflection in the dresser mirror. There were fingertip-sized bruises on my hip and ass.
In a hoarse voice, he said, "I did this to you?"
I peered up, saw an expression I'd never seen on his face.
Fear.
Because the only thing that could scare a man like Sevastyan . . . was himself.
He set me on the bed as if I were made of porcelain, then stood to leave, his posture stiff. "I left bruises." He looked wrecked by this, which wouldn't do.
So I tried to lighten the mood. "Please. I bruise from harsh language. Besides, this is kind of the nature of the beast, no?" He'd whipped women before, bound them. "Surely you've seen this in the past."
He didn't relax whatsoever, conflict clear in his expression. "No. Not from my hand."
Because Sevastyan had never been with the same woman twice? When Paxan had told me that, I'd kind of thought he was exaggerating. But it was likely Sevastyan had never stuck around to see the aftermath of his appetites.
I sensed him slipping away from me. "I'm perfectly fine. You liked when my ass was sore," I reminded him. "How is this different?"
"It's different. Now." He handed me a robe.
With a frown, I donned it. "Now that what?"
"We'll discuss this later. We have a long day ahead of us."
He wouldn't look at me, was closing down right before my eyes. Now that we'd made love, I thought that we would be entering into a new stage of our relationship. In which, you know, we talked.
But it was as if a draft had soughed into the air between us. "In the banya, you told me not to wake up. I feel like I should be telling you the same. You're pulling away, and I don't know why."
"I have something for you." He withdrew an envelope from his jacket pocket, handed it to me. "It was in Paxan's cabin, in his safe." The back was sealed with a red wax circle. I recognized Paxan's fanciful calligraphic handwriting on the front.
For my daughter
He'd told me he would never tire of saying that.
"Read that, then pack a suitcase for five nights." Sevastyan gave a curt nod. "We depart soon. I'll leave you to it."
As soon as I was alone, I tore the envelope open. . . .
My dearest Natalie,
If you are reading this, then I am--how do you Americans so eloquently phrase it?--shit out of luck.
Even in those words, I could hear his wry tone, could imagine him writing it with a sigh.
However, you are with Aleksandr, and that is my consolation. He will walk into a hail of bullets for you.
He had.
Yet as loyal as he is, there is a darkness to him. Since the first winter I brought him to Berezka, he has not spoken about his childhood, but I know it was horrific. I never pressed him to talk about it, because I sensed he wanted to shed his past and make a fresh start.
This was a failing on my part.
Dorogaya, he's like an intricate clock, and some mechanism deep within is broken. He bears scars inside and out, and until he can trust another enough to confide about his past, I don't believe he will ever be whole. Coax him to entrust you with his burdens.
How? If Sevastyan hadn't learned to open up by now . . .
Not that I expected him to know how. He'd been raised from the age of thirteen in a domicile inhabited by men, rife with guns and criminals.
And who knew what had happened to him before that?
You're a wealthy woman now. Once you are out of danger, please see the world and live out your dreams.
With all my heart, I hope you and Aleksandr can build a future together on a strong foundation. But if you can't, my brave daughter, then eye the horizon. Life is short. Take it from someone wh
o apparently knows.
Tears clouded my vision. Again his wryness permeated his words. But we would never laugh together again, would never share jokes.
You are my life's great surprise, treasured beyond words. However much time I got to spend with you was not enough--and never could be.
With all my love,
Batja