“I’m going back to Portland.”
“Oh?” he asked. “Mr. Dalton didn’t mention it to me.”
“He doesn’t really know yet,” I said. “I just decided this morning.”
He looked at me, squinting his eyes curiously.
“Oh, I see,” he nodded.
“Thank you, again, Max. I’ll just hail a taxi to the airport.”
“Oh, no, ma’am. Please let me take you.”
“That’s okay,” I refused.
“No, I insist. Mr. Dalton would be so upset if I let you go in a taxi.”
I sighed, looking into his kind eyes.
“Okay, then,” I relented, “thank you, Max.”
“It is absolutely my pleasure!” he said, opening the door. He took my bag and put it in the trunk and slid behind the wheel. The glass was already down and I was grateful for it. I didn’t want to be alone right now.
The car pulled away from the curb and Max looked at me in the mirror.
“What is Portland like?” he asked.
“Portland? You’ve never been?” I asked, thinking about it. “It’s—well, it’s kind of dreary, actually. It rains about nine months out of the year.”
“That sounds awful,” he said.
“I guess so. You get used to it.”
“When I first moved to New York,” he said, “I hated it. I couldn’t believe people lived in such a crowded place. I was particularly offended by the rats. They seemed so big and they were everywhere.”
“That’s how I felt the first time I visited,” I agreed.
“But you know what?” he asked. “Now, I don’t even notice them. I’m just like everyone else, just going about my business and ignoring them. I used to shudder in disgust every time I saw one. It’s amazing what you can get used to in time.”
I nodded, thinking about what he was saying. He was right. I’d gotten used to quite a lot in my life. I’d gotten used to not having a father. I’d gotten used to my absentee mother. I’d gotten used to the rain and dreary skies.
“I suppose one could get used to almost anything,” I said.
“It’s true,” Max nodded.
We were silent for a few minutes, before he spoke up again.
“Mr. Dalton will not be happy you are leaving,” he said.
“You don’t think so?” I asked. “I guess he’ll get used to that, too, won’t he?”
“Maybe,” he replied, “but maybe not.”
“I think he’ll be okay,” I said.
“He’s a strong man, sure,” he said, thoughtfully, “but still, there’s something different about him when he’s with you. He lights up in a way I’ve never seen. Like something in him comes alive that he usually keeps hidden away in the dark.”
I nodded, speechless, my eyes stinging with tears.
We didn’t talk the rest of the way. I had no idea how to respond anyway and I was thankful he didn’t press the issue. There was something very special about Max and I realized I was going to miss him.
He pulled up to the drop off point at the airport and came around to open the door.
I stood on the sidewalk with my bags and put my hand out to shake his. He looked at my outstretched hand and smiled, before pulling me in for a hug and kissing my cheek.
“In Somalia, that is how we say goodbye to our friends.”
I smiled up at him.
“Thank you again, Max,” I said. “Take care of yourself.”
“I hope to see you again very soon, ma’am,” he said.
I nodded, a huge empty pit growing in the bottom of my stomach as I walked away and into the airport, leaving New York City and everything and everyone in it, far, far behind.
Chapter 29
I sat at the gate, mindlessly scrolling through Facebook on my phone. My plane was half an hour late and we hadn’t even boarded yet. It had taken forever to get through security and they’d looked through my entire bag, pulling out all the fancy lingerie I’d bought and pouring it out on the floor.
I was so embarrassed and I’d wished I’d left it all behind.
It’s not like I was ever going to wear it again. My heart was already hurting just thinking about it. I was giving up everything. I was blowing the biggest opportunity I’d ever been given. And I was probably going to end up throwing away the most expensive lingerie I’d ever buy in my life after only wearing it once.
Was I an idiot?
Was I making a huge mistake letting fear and confusion send me fleeing to safety?
Sure, of course I was.
But that was the decision I’d made and I was determined to go through with it. I’d look really stupid if I turned back now. I had to make a decision and stick to it and this was the only one I was brave enough to make.
I stopped scrolling when I saw a status update from Harlan.
In usual Facebook style, it was something that he’d posted two days ago and just now popped up in my feed.
She can block me but she can’t hide. Nobody runs from me. I’m coming, Chloe.
I shuddered as I read through the comments. Thankfully, it was a group of our mutual friends calling him out on being incredibly creepy and stalker-ish. I could only hope one of them had gotten through to him. I’d barely given him a second thought since I’d blocked his number on my phone. I hadn’t thought to block him on Facebook. I’d been so preoccupied with Bear that Harlan was the last person on my mind.
An overhead voice announced my plane was boarding and I sighed with relief. Sitting at the airport waiting felt like being in limbo. It was torturous and took all my strength not to just give in and run back to Bear’s arms. Because the truth was, I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know if this was the right thing to do or if leaving was something I would regret for the rest of my life.
All I knew for certain was that Bear Dalton shook me to my very core and I had no idea how to handle that.
It was simple, actually.
I stood up and got in line, thankful that I was finally going to be out of here in a few minutes. I looked out the window at the huge jet that would carry me back home and had a flash of memory of my flight here.
I smiled when I remembered the note Bear had sent me telling me take off my panties. It had all seemed like such innocent fun and games back then. I had no idea what was in store for me back then. My heart soared as I thought about how it had all felt. I’d been so nervous and yet so excited, like a little kid going to Disneyland.
The unknown had excited me. The thought of getting to know Bear had excited me.
His brazenness had excited me.
And now, here I was—afraid of it. Filled with fear because I didn’t know how far he could go, how far I could go — how far I
wanted it to go.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen, I thought.
I thought about that girl back then and I admired her courage. She seemed fearless to me. Where had that girl gone? What happened to saying yes?
Had she really been so frightened that she’d lost her backbone completely?
I waited in line, a sense of shame washing over me.
I should have been stronger, I thought. I should have given it more time. I should have bucked up and believed in myself.
Instead, I was here in this line, one slow-as-molasses step closer to failure as the line moved forward. I fought back the tears as disappointment filled my heart.
Finally, I handed my boarding pass to the attendant. She looked at it and handed it back to me with a smile.
“Enjoy your flight,” she said. I resisted the urge to scoff at her and took a deep breath, walking away.
I’d taken three steps when I heard someone call my name.
Chapter 30
I turned to see Bear running towards me.
“Fuck!” I muttered, shaking my head.
“Chloe!” he yelled. “Stop! Please!”
He rushed towards me, ignoring the attendant and closing the distance between us. He looked disheveled, his deep blue eyes filled with sadness and confusion.
He looks like I feel, I thought.
“Chloe, what are you doing?” he asked, staring down at me.
“I’m going home, Bear. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I just couldn’t.”
“Why are you doing this? This is your home now.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head, my heart breaking. “It’s not.”
“Chloe,” he pleaded. “Let’s talk. Just give me five minutes.”
I sighed and nodded.
“Okay, but I can’t miss my flight,” I said, moving away from the entrance and walking with him over to the window. The jet loomed, waiting to take me home.
“Chloe, I was a complete and utter asshole last night, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have had so much to drink and I should have been gentler with you. It’s all my fault. I got carried away celebrating.”