Suddenly, I felt so vulnerable. I wanted him to hold me. I wanted him to kiss me gently and tell me everything really did make sense, even if it didn’t seem that way.
But he didn’t. He turned away, taking in the view, as if he hadn’t just plunged himself into my most sacred place.
“Let’s go,” he said, walking away from me, his gait a little unsteady. Silently, I followed him, studying his back for some sign of emotion.
Nothing.
We got back in the elevator and he didn’t touch me the entire ride back down. When we got back in the limo, he sat opposite me, reaching for more champagne.
I sighed, shifting gingerly. Between the bruises and welts still on my skin and the pounding he had just given my ass, I was pretty proud of the fact that I wasn’t crying out from all the pain. Now that he wasn’t inside of me, the pleasure had faded and the wincing and stinging was back in full force.
“How well do you know Zoe?” I asked, my words seeming to come from out of nowhere. I certainly hadn’t planned on letting them escape my stupid brain, but they fell out like a bunch of oranges from a shopping bag.
“Zoe?” he asked, confusion filling his eyes.
“Yes,” I asked, staring over at him. He squinted a second, then cocked his head.
“Why do you ask?”
“She seems to know a lot about you,” I remarked.
“She does?” he asked.
“Sure,” I said. “Did she tell you I met her in the bathroom? That wasn’t the first time, either. I saw her the first time at that steak house we went to.”
“She didn’t tell me any of that,” he shook his head. “What did she say to you? She can be a bit of a bitch sometimes.”
“She said you would eat me alive,” I said, raising my chin.
His laughter echoed through the limo and he slapped his knee.
“She told you that, did she?” he said, gasping for air.
“I’m glad you think that’s funny,” I said.
“Don’t you?”
“No, not particularly,” I said.
“Surely, you aren’t jealous of Zoe Rothchild, are you?” he said.
“What place do I have to be jealous of anyone?” I said, spitting out the words. Anger began welling up in side of me. Maybe it was because I was feeling so lost, so vulnerable. Maybe I just needed answers. Maybe none of this was for me and I didn’t have the skills to handle it.
“What do you mean by that?” he asked.
“Never mind,” I shook my head, looking away from him. I didn’t want any part of his piercing gaze. I didn’t want him to look right through me anymore. I didn’t want him to see my confusion, my uncertainty, my self-doubt. I hated being vulnerable.
I wanted him to see a sophisticated woman, like Zoe, when he looked at me. So far, I was pretty sure that wasn’t happening.
“Chloe,” he said. “Look at me.”
“Forget I said anything,” I replied, refusing to look his way. The limo pulled up in front of my apartment building and I took a deep breath. Putting my hand on the door handle, I turned back to look at him finally.
He looked confused and lost and buzzed.
“Chloe, what’s going on?” he asked.
“I can’t do this,” I said.
“Do what, darling?”
I shook my head, his beautiful dark eyes staring back at me, and I knew this moment would probably haunt me forever.
“This, Bear, I can’t do this. All of it.”
“Is it the job? Chloe, we can find something else for you to do, if you want.”
“It’s the job, yes. But it’s more than that. I can’t do this right now. I don’t even know what I’m doing!”
“Chloe, calm down. Everything is going to be fine.”
“No, it isn’t!” I cried. “I don’t even know who you are, Bear. One minute, you’re gentle and loving and the next minute you’re acting like I’m some whore you picked up in Times Square!”
“They don’t have whores in Times Square anymore,” he said, smiling.
I crossed my arms and looked away, shaking my head.
“Chloe, come on—,” he began, reaching for me.
I put out a hand and shook my head.
“No, Bear,” I said.
I got out of the car and stood on the sidewalk, staring down at him in the limo. I shook my head, my heart in my throat.
“I’m sorry, Bear,” I said, my voice quivering with emotion.
“Chloe, let’s talk about this.”
“Peaches.”
“What!” he yelled. “Chloe! Come on!”
I shook my head and walked away, tears spilling down my face.
Chapter 27
I sat on my terrace the next morning, a hot cup of coffee in my hands, as I listened to the sounds of the city below. Horns blowing, people yelling, car tires skidding and garbage trucks clanking, the song of the city echoing down the street and up into the air.
It was barely six a.m. and all this was going on below already.
I’d woken before dawn after crying myself to sleep, my dreams haunted by Bear’s face.
Now, in the light of day, the world seemed a little clearer. Now that I was alone and had some space and time to think, my decision seemed obvious.
Coming here to New York had been a whirlwind of unexpected adventures. I was beyond grateful for the opportunity to experience every minute.
But everything about New York was harsh and extreme. From the weather to the people, to the pace, to the expectations that had been put on me. I was a lily-white, thin-skinned, lightweight of a human. I’m sensitive. My heart is huge and open and raw.
How was I supposed to survive these conditions with this kind of disposition?
It’s not that I’m not strong.
I am really fucking strong. But this just isn’t me.
I’m strong, but I’m soft, too.
New York City is as hard as a diamond, with not a soft space to land in sight. I just couldn’t understand it. I couldn’t wrap myself around it. And I needed that in a home. I needed a place, a person, a home that I could melt into.
I’d thought maybe I’d found that in Bear. But he was just too much of everything—he was just like the city that had raised him. A big giant ball of tension and drama and intrigue and shock that never let up. I never had time to catch my breath around him. It had become almost impossible to relax.
And, now, more than ever, I wanted to relax. I wanted familiarity. I wanted friends and dive bars and rain.
More than anything, I wanted things to be clear.
Bear clouded my mind beyond belief.
I couldn’t have both. It was time to be honest with myself.
I finished my coffee and went into the bedroom, pulling my suitcase out of the closet. I packed slowly, my hands running over all the beautiful clothes he’d bought me as I put them away. When I was done, I walked into the spare bedroom that Bear had turned into my studio.
I’d not used it once the whole time.
I’d hardly been home at all, actually.
I trailed my hand over the brand new sewing machine, smiling wistfully at it.
“We could have had a lot of fun together,” I said, feeling a twinge of guilt that I’d never even turned it on. Bear was a good man. He was special and thoughtful and generous.
But he was so much more, more than I could handle. He may have seen something in me, but whatever it was, it wasn’t ready for the intensity that he brought to the table.
I turned off the light and closed the door, walking back to my bedroom to grab my phone. Sitting down, I pulled up the travel app and booked the next flight to Portland.
Chapter 28
“Mom,” I said into her voicemail, “I can’t make lunch today. Don’t be mad, but I’m going back to Portland. My flight leaves in two hours. I’ll call you when I arrive. I’m sorry, I tried, but New York just isn’t for me.”
I hung up, so happy she hadn’t actually answered the p
hone. I didn’t want to argue with her and I certainly didn’t want to explain everything to her. There weren’t enough lies that I could come up with right now to make anything I said sound normal.
I’m leaving because your billionaire boss made me his sex slave and took my ass virginity at the top of the Empire State Building and I don’t know how to emotionally process all of this shit?
Yeah, it didn’t sound like something one should say to a parent, did it?
I grabbed my bag, my stack of library books and left the keys and Bear’s credit card on the kitchen counter. My stomach dropped as I closed the door for the last time. I made my way down to the security desk and asked the security guy if he would please return the books for me. I was so thankful he agreed, because the thought of trying to figure out how to get back to the library on my own was not a pleasant one.
I walked outside to hail a cab and ran right into Max.
“Ready to go meet Ms. Matilda for lunch, ma’am?” he asked.
“Oh, Max! I forgot to tell you, I’m so sorry. I won’t need you today. I’m not going to lunch with my Mom after all. In fact, I won’t need you at all anymore. But thank you, you’ve been so helpful and kind.”
“Won’t need me at all? Why not, ma’am?,” he asked.