Her hand froze on Shadow’s fur. I began to move it in circles under my palm. It felt…weird. Intimate. More intimate than fucking a girl to a near-death experience, somehow. I began to realize that maybe I wasn’t as immune as I thought I was to illicit pussy. Because all I could think about was directing her hand into the inside of the waistband of her jeans and have her fingering herself with my hand on top of hers.
“Blood work,” she echoed, as we both found the lump Dr. Wiese was talking about. Her eyes fluttered shut, and I squeezed my fingers between hers, lacing them together, tightening my hold on her.
My mouth was nearly pressed to Jesse’s ear. I was behind her, enveloping her, almost.
“Is he going to be okay?” I asked.
Asshole pled the fifth. I wanted to leap on Dr. Wiese and strangle the words out of his throat, but I wanted to keep my hand on Jesse’s more. Shadow began to move around, sniffing and whimpering, asking to be taken down. Jesse’s hand went rigid under my own. She turned around and looked at Dr. Wiese.
“I can’t lose him.”
“He’s in good shape, Jesse. We just need to run some tests.” He tried soothing her, rubbing Shadow’s cheek again. Must have been a nervous tick.
“No, no. I can’t lose him,” she repeated, her eyes filling with unshed tears.
“Jess…”
“He’s my only true friend.”
“Come on, sweetheart,” he murmured nervously. “I’m sure that’s not true.”
But it was. There was Old Sport, Mrs. Belfort, and then there was me. And I didn’t count because she was nothing but a business transaction to me. Sup-fucking-posedly.
Shadow was aimlessly pacing back and forth on the table, his nails making a click-click-click sound that matched the tick behind Jesse’s left eyelid. Dr. Wiese gave me a look, and I pulled Jesse away from her dog, again, surprised at how she had let me touch her, even though I kept shit as PG as possible, my fingers fluttering over her arm. Dr. Wiese took Shadow’s blood—a few tubes of it, at that—while Jesse looked the other way and cried silently.
“When are we going to get the results?” I shoved my hands into my front pockets.
“It’s pretty busy here this time of the year. We’ll call and send the results by mail, so watch out for them,” Dr. Wiese said as he placed all the tubes in the test tube rack. I gave Jesse a look to confirm she’d heard him, and she nodded faintly.
“What are we thinking about?” I walked over to stand by Dr. Wiese, watching Shadow, who looked exhausted and kind of spent. I’d never had a pet. Not for lack of wanting. Money had been tight, and a pet meant spending more money. Also, my mom had worked ridiculous hours the first ten years of her career, and I’d learned early on that in order to survive, I needed to hang out at other people’s places after school to eat home-cooked meals, so I hadn’t been around much, either.
I didn’t know what it felt like to lose a dog, but I had a feeling that for Jesse, it was also ten times worse, because he was more than just a pet. He was another piece of old Jesse she was never going to get back.
“All done.” Dr. Wiese snapped his elastic gloves off and dumped them into a stainless steel trash bin, turning around to wash his hands again. “Give him plenty of water and make sure he eats. Wet food, if he doesn’t have any appetite. I’ll prescribe him antibiotics right now, but we’ll be in touch.”
“Okay,” Jesse managed, still sniffing.
I grabbed Shadow and helped him down just when she turned to the doctor and said, “This is all my fault, you know.”
The silence that followed made me want to throw up a little.
I thanked the doctor, booked the follow-up appointment for Shadow myself with Miss Candy Crush, and paid the bill, because Jesse was busy shivering in the corner of the reception, mumbling empty promises and apologies to a lethargic Shadow. I carried the smelly furball to her Rover, put him in the back seat, and made sure that he was all curled up and comfortable. Then I turned around to face her.
I was going to say something. I wasn’t really sure what. Usually I just tossed a lie or two to make uncomfortable shit go away. But as I swiveled, I realized Jesse was right beside me, her green apples and fresh rain scent filling my nostrils once again.
“What?” I furrowed my brows.
She shook her head, taking another step closer to me.
“You’re entering creeper zone again,” I said. She didn’t smile. She didn’t talk. It didn’t register at first, when she rose on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to my cheek.