I closed my eyes tightly and sighed as the tenderness between my legs reminded me of the thorough job of fucking my brains out Eli had done earlier. Finding him a place to live had taken up most of our day. I had been happy when he found this place but accepting the fact this was temporary and he’d leave again one day made me panic. It was what kept me awake. More than once today I had heard him tell an owner or real estate agent he wasn’t looking for permanent residence. A reminder he didn’t want to stay. Whatever life he’d left to return here was important to him.
My desperation to keep him had been what drove me to be so wild when we had sex. I realized when it was over, I’d been trying to cling to him or possibly find a way to hold him. I knew that I would only hurt myself more when he left if I allowed my heart to think he might decide to stay. The safest thing for me to do was to take all I could while I had him here. It had been my goal when I’d let all my walls down. I had opened myself up emotionally and physically to Eli. Living in the now, taking all he gave me, begging for more, wanting to know the feeling of being one with Eli.
It had been mind-blowing, best I’ve ever had, make that the best anyone had ever had, sex. There was just no way it got better than that. There couldn’t be any comparison. What we experienced together had to be the pinnacle of sex. Historically so. I didn’t question it . . . because I knew that while I was giving my body to that man, he took my heart too. Sex that incredible and real coupled with the giving of your heart was on a level of unattainable that many would never know. I closed my eyes even tighter. Fear grabbed my throat so tightly I found it hard to breathe. I’d never done this. Not once had I just let a man have it. My walls had been put in place from a young love that had hurt me. One I hadn’t realized at the time was just innocence getting its first taste of desire. That hadn’t truly been love. Not now that I knew this feeling. The unquestionable soul claiming kind of love I’d fell straight into with Eli.
Accepting it and admitting it were one in the same. There was no way to save me now. No possible wall building could change what had transpired. I wouldn’t be able to backtrack and run away. I was taken. Leaving him would be impossible. My heart wouldn’t allow it. Eli Hardy owned my body and soul whether he wanted it or not. Not completely losing my head and telling him I loved him during that last orgasm when I had known it was the truth had been my only saving grace. If I’d told him I loved him, he quite possibly may not be in my bed with me right now. He didn’t have to say it, I knew he wasn’t after love. Not mine or anyone else’s. I hadn’t meant to fall. It wasn’t something I could have controlled.
The reality that I was in love had shocked me. I hadn’t been vulnerable enough to feel this way about a man in the past. Why Eli? Why did I fall for a man who made it clear this was as temporary as his apartment? My stone will not to break had let me down this time. I’d broken, or melted was a more accurate description.
I inhaled deeply and the smell of his soap made me feel warm all over. If I could climb into his skin and just be with him every moment, I’d be happy. That would be the ultimate joy. And admitting that to myself made me sound like a crazy ass person who should be admitted. What was wrong with me? I was thinking insane things and I had to face the fact this man was going to leave me. This wasn’t a fairy tale. I wasn’t going to win the man. He wasn’t open to being won. He was passing the time. If I was smarter, I would have found a way to protect my heart before this had happened.
Distancing myself now was impossible. The idea took my breath away. I never wanted to be away from him again. I’d let a man become the center of my world. How? I opened my eyes and looked at him again. His long blonde lashes and straight nose. The dark blonde curls from his hair resting against his cheek. He was a man, but he was also achingly beautiful. I didn’t understand how a woman could not want him forever.