“When I left that morning, I was confused about the way I was feeling. It wasn’t something I expected. Just like I hadn’t come here to see you expecting us to . . .” I paused, unsure which word would describe it adequately. I didn’t want to cheapen what had happened between us on this sofa.
“Fuck for hours,” she said with no trace of a smile. Not even an icy one.
I wasn’t going to agree with her description because I considered it more than fucking. She’d gotten inside me in a way no one else had. I knew that now and I was learning to accept it. “Not the description I’d give it,” I told her, not letting her coldness stop me from being honest. “That night surprised me. You surprised me and the connection . . . it was . . . I hadn’t expected it. When I left, I thought it had been a fun night where you were concerned and I had to deal with it and move on.” I stopped again, making sure I thought through my next words. Blurting shit out never worked well for me. I was a thinker and that was not something that tattoos, tragedy and horror couldn’t change. Words couldn’t be taken back. Once they were spoken, they remained. Never forgotten and seldom forgiven. I knew that too well. The words I chose to use with Ophelia would not be ones I regretted. I could at least protect her from my words even if I was not going to protect her from getting close to me.
“You were standing in my room ready to bolt without a word when I woke up, Eli,” she reminded me. As if that answered everything. Maybe to a woman it did, but I wasn’t a female and I had never been able to understand the opposite sex. I’d failed so many damn times at guessing what they meant measured beside what they had said, I was giving up on that hope.
“I was deciding on waking you or leaving you a note. Not because I didn’t want to speak to you but because you were sleeping peacefully. There was no sneaking out in my decision. I’d just had the best sex of my life and I didn’t know the next step or if there was a next step.”
I knew more had to be said, but from that explanation, the ice in her glare thawed some. Just a tiny bit. Not enough by a long shot but it was softer by a degree or two. Telling her all of the truth I could was the only way to deal with the situation we were in. If I couldn’t stay away from her, then I had to do all I could to get her forgiveness.
“I left under the impression you wanted to continue as things were which was . . . hell, I don’t know. Until that weekend, I’d barely spoken to you enough to call you a friend. But I need you to understand that not a day has gone by since I left here that I haven’t thought about you. That I didn’t want to pick up the phone and call you.”
There was the fucking truth. One I should have kept to myself.
Frustration crossed her beautiful features. “Then why didn’t you?”
Because I was trying to protect you from me. Because I am not a man who can love, not anymore. Because my addiction to you will never be enough for us to last. Craving someone is not the same as loving them. All of those were reasons I shouldn’t even be sitting here. I said none of that though. I was too selfish.
“I didn’t think you wanted me to.” I stopped myself before I blurted out more and held her gaze. If she looked close enough, she’d see the darkness inside me. She needed to know I was too fucked up now to ever be what she was looking for.
“I don’t sleep around, and I don’t have casual sex. Before you, I hadn’t slept with a man in over a year. Sure, I’d had some wine, but I wasn’t drunk that night. I knew what I was doing, and I trusted you enough to do it. I wouldn’t have done either of those things if I didn’t want to see you more.” She said the last part like she was confused by why it was even being said. I knew my vagueness was confusing. My secrets would be unfair to keep from her if I was going to do this. If I was going to give in to wanting to be near her and feel peace again. She was the only person who could make me smile or feel like laughing. When I thought I’d never want to do either again, she’d given me a reason to want to without even realizing it. With her, I had a freedom but what did she get in return? Nothing. She got nothing.