I scoot in under the covers of my twin bed until I’m up against the wall with the glowing tree next to me. Chris scoots in next to me and I immediately lay my head on his shoulder as he wraps his arm around me.
“What do you want me to sing?”
“Whatever you want to sing.”
He clears his throat and takes a deep breath before he begins singing a song I’ve never heard before, but it’s beautiful. It must be one of those classic rock songs he loves. I only remember a few of them from the rare times when my mom was sober and she’d turn on the radio to clean the house.
When he starts singing the chorus it sounds a little more familiar, but I still can’t put my finger on it. As if he can sense my confusion, he stops singing.
“Do you know what song this is?”
“No… Sorry.”
“You’ve never heard ‘Your Song’ by Elton John?”
I shrug. “I don’t think so.”
He sighs so loudly it’s almost a groan. “I’ll teach you this song. It’s one of his best songs. You have to learn it.”
“Why do I have to learn it?”
“Because you love me and I want you to sing it with me.”
I shake my head. “No. I don’t sing. That’s your job.”
“I’ll have you singing like an angel in no time.”
He sings the song again from the beginning, as I rest my hand on his bare chest. Halfway through the song, he grabs my hand and laces his fingers through mine. I glance over my shoulder once more at the twinkling tree on the wall behind me. Then I close my eyes and drift off.
Forever Frustrated
August 9, 2011
I toss the empty Capri-Sun pouch into the waste bin under the kitchen sink, then I gaze at Claire across the breakfast bar. She’s sitting cross-legged on the barstool. Claire is the only person I’ve ever known who sits cross-legged on barstools. It’s one of the quirks I love most about her.
“What are you grinning at?” she says as she looks up from the magazine she’s reading.
“Why do you read that shit? None of those girls are as beautiful as you.”
“I read it for the articles.”
I round the breakfast bar and wrap my arms around her waist. “I know a few articles I’d like to get rid of today,” I say, burying my face in her neck. “Happy birthday, babe.”
“What if your mom walks in?” She pries my arms off her and pushes me back.
“She just left to the shop. She won’t be back for at least three hours. Come upstairs with me.” I spin the barstool around so she’s facing me. “I want to give you your birthday present.”
She narrows her eyes at me, but she can’t hide the smile that curls the corners of her perfect lips. Grabbing the front of my shirt, she pulls me toward her.
Her lips hover over mine. “Only if you promise not to sing the birthday song.”
I laugh as I plant a quick kiss on her lips. “Asking me not to sing to you on your birthday is like asking me not to breathe.” I grab her hand and pull her off the stool. “Come on.”
She follows me upstairs to her bedroom. When we get there, she starts tidying up, putting away clothes and straightening the pictures of us she has tucked in the frame of her mirror. I come up behind her and press my body against hers as I reach for a picture of us. I slip the picture out of the mirror frame and hold it in front of her face.
It’s a picture of us in front of a hot dog stand at the blues festival where Claire and I had our first kiss. I asked the hot dog vendor to take the picture with her new phone. It was so hot that summer, and she was wearing these tiny cutoff shorts. It was so hard not to touch her as the guys took the picture, but I knew we couldn’t have any photographic evidence of our relationship. All the secrecy ends today.
I hold the picture up in front of her face as I kiss the back of her neck. “This was one of my favorite days. Because this is the day you told me you loved me.”
She spins around in my arms and flashes me a warm smile. “Yeah, but I loved you long before that.”
I toss the picture onto the floor and grab the back of her neck as I slowly bring my lips to hers. I kiss her slowly as she clutches the front of my shirt for support. Her tongue brushes against mine and I instantly get hard.
“Fuck,” I whisper, pulling her toward the bed to lay her down.
She wraps her arms around my neck and she’s still smiling as I gently lie down on top of her. Placing one of my legs between hers, I slowly slide her legs open. Then I slip my hand under her shirt and her skin prickles with goose bumps.
She’s so fucking soft. I slide my hand farther up and her body goes rigid.
“I love you,” I whisper against her lips and she immediately pushes me off.
I sigh and try not to curse as I lie back next to her.
“I’m sorry,” she says, staring at the ceiling. “I’m just scared that it’s going to hurt and then I’ll feel different about you. I don’t want to feel like you’ve hurt me.”
I flip onto my side and nuzzle my nose in her hair, inhaling the floral scent of her shampoo. She smells like a warm summer breeze. Her breathing quickens when my lips graze her ear. I lay a soft kiss on her cheekbone and slip my hand under her shirt again, eager to feel her skin.
I’m pretty good at knowing what Claire likes. And just how far I can go with her. Her body will tell me if she’s ready.
I trace my finger around her navel and she smiles as she arches her back a little.
“I could never hurt you…. But I can’t fucking lie. I want to be inside you so bad.” I continue tracing a light circle, imagining my fingers between her legs and this erection is getting unbearable. “I want to make you feel as good as you make me feel.” I lift her shirt a few inches and lay a soft kiss on her belly. Her skin is warm against my lips. I want her so bad. “But I’ll wait as long as it takes.”
She brushes my hair out of my face as my lips hover over her navel. “I love you,” she whispers.
This is it. Today is the day.
I scoot up and plant a quick kiss on her temple before I spring off the bed. “I’ll be right back, babe.” Then I leave to get my guitar.
Forever Yours
Chris’s lips smell and taste like the berry Capri-Sun he was just sipping and I can’t shake the feeling that we’re too young to be alone in my room. But it feels so right as his fingers lightly graze my ribs sending chills through every part of my body. I’m eighteen today. Eighteen is a perfectly fine age to lose your virginity; especially if it’s with the boyfriend you’ve been with for more than two years, who also happens to be the most amazing, patient boyfriend a girl could ask for.
His hand slides farther up and I flinch when his fingers hit the wire of my bra. “I love you.”
He whispers these words he’s uttered a million times. Words that always seem to soothe me. Today, they have the opposite effect. Instead of putting me at ease, I feel completely on edge. My entire body buzzing with nerves.
I push him off and he sighs as he lies back. “I’m sorry,” I mutter, totally aware that I shouldn’t have to apologize about not feeling ready.
But I have to take into account how patient Chris has been the past two years. And I’m not an idiot. I start college next week and he’s going to be playing a lot more gigs now that the band has a legit manager. He’s going to have girls screaming his name; ready and willing to spread their legs for him whenever he wants. I know it’s up to Chris to resist temptation, but how can I expect him to resist if I keep rejecting him.
“I’m just scared that it’s going to hurt and then I’ll feel different about you. I don’t want to feel like you’ve hurt me.”
He turns onto his side and buries his nose in my hair, breathing in the scent of the shampoo he loves so much. The sensation of his face in my hair gives me the chills. I want him. I do. I just wish I wasn’t so scared.
He kisses my cheek, then he slips his hand under my T-shirt and traces circles around my belly
button. “I could never hurt you … But I can’t fucking lie. I want to be inside you so bad … I want to make you feel as good as you make me feel.” He plants a soft kiss on my belly and I shiver. “But I’ll wait as long as it takes.”
I run my fingers through his hair as I brush it out of his face. “I love you.”
He plants a quick kiss on my temple before he springs off the bed, leaving me feeling a little used up. “I’ll be right back, babe.”
I swallow hard as I look up at the glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to the ceiling. I glance at the strings of lights on the wall next to me in the shape of a tree. I think of my mom.