“What the hell made you think you could yank that blonde kid out of that hole? Why didn’t you call us when you saw what was happening? Why didn’t you tell us before you left that it was an emergency?”
“You would have made me stop and explain it. I didn’t have time.” I took a jagged step in his direction, tired of having to feel like I needed to shout for him to hear me. My voice box didn’t want to do that anymore. “I don’t know what the signal means every time. It just means they are lost or something. I knew when he kept doing it that it was bad. I didn’t have time to stop and explain it.”
“You should have told us about the call before.”
“They made me swear not to!”
“Why the fuck not?”
I motioned to the helicopter, still hovering over the woods. “So the Academy cavalry doesn’t come rushing in headfirst. What is that? Why is that helicopter here?”
North teetered toward me, one step closer. “That helicopter was coming to save your ass. Now it’s there pointing the way.”
“For what?”
“We’re taking apart that whole god damn death trap. Victor called in the last favor he had. We’ll make sure you can’t fall in again. I should tell him to forget it. I’m just going to lock you in a padded bubble so you can’t do something stupid like that again.”
“What do you mean favor?” I dropped the hose away from me, shoving my palms to my forehead. “And I don’t need to be in a stupid bubble!”
Silas knelt next to me, picking up his shirt I had tossed aside before. He held it out to me. “Sang, don’t get mad. He’s just ...”
“I know what he’s doing,” I said, taking his shirt from his hand. I didn’t mean to be so short with Silas, too, but North was getting to me. I found the shirt’s hems and slid it over my body. I stuffed my arms through the sleeves. The shirt covered me down to mid-thigh. “He’s planning exactly what he said. Sang’s useless. Sang’s helpless. Sang can’t take care of herself. Let’s lock her in a closet.”
North closed the distance between us now, pointing a long finger at my face. “Don’t give me that passive aggressive bullshit. You ran off without telling us where you were going and why. When you get there, you’re yanking that kid up and fall in after him.”
“I was fine!” I pointed a finger back at his face. “As I recall, we’d almost gotten him out until someone spooked us.”
North growled at me, his pointer finger almost touching my nose now. “You fucking almost died, Sang! We fished your damn body out.”
“If I hadn’t jumped in when I did, he would have!” I screeched out. Hot tears touched my eyes but I bit them back. From over North’s shoulders, I caught Gabriel and Nathan and Kota doing a half jog from down the road together. I flinched back to North. “And maybe Derrick, too.”
“You shouldn't have gone in.”
I drew my hand back, pushing the palms against my forehead. “And let them die? You would have gone in!”
“That’s different.” North’s eyes fired bullets at my face.
I threw my hands up, my own guttural growl emerging. “Yes. I’m different from you. Because I’m useless. I’m a stupid girl or something. I don’t know how to help or do anything.”
“Don’t put fucking words in my mouth,” he snapped. He jabbed a finger in the air at me.
“Oh yeah? What? You think I’m making this up? Go ahead,” I said, facing him full on, squaring my shoulders at him. “Call me on the emergency line.”
His face contorted. “What?”
“Call me. Find my app on your phone and push the red button so I know where you are.”
His lips moved but words didn’t come out.
“You can’t, can you?” I said, hearing Kota and Nathan and Gabriel approaching but I couldn’t stop. I was too far. North wanted to see me angry? Here I was, in all the misery that I was when I became angry. A raging, sopping mess in Silas’s T-shirt. Was this what he wanted from me? “You can’t because I don’t have one. Sang doesn’t have an app because no one calls Sang in an emergency.”
“Maybe because you jump in headfirst without asking for help,” North bellowed.
“Maybe sometimes I have to jump in. I’m the only one there.”
“You don’t know what you’re doing.”
“I’m not stupid, North!” I flared, the end nearly choking as my voice got too high a pitch for my throat to handle.
“Stop yelling,” Kota barked from up the drive.
“No, fuck that.” North’s eyes narrowed on Kota for a moment. “Fuck off. I’m talking to her.”
“I’m done talking.” I said. I was suddenly exhausted, and the tears behind my eyes threatened to sag down my cheeks. I didn’t want him to see me cry. Not now. I was too proud, and I was sure I was right.
I turned on him, heading toward the house.
“Don’t you walk away from me,” he said, the threat lingering in his voice.
“I’m going,” I called back, walking around Silas, and avoiding everyone else. I couldn’t stand to look at them. Silas’s face was almost pale, his eyes wide. It scared even me. What did he think of me now? Was it as bad as how North thought of me?
I took only a few more steps toward the garage when I sensed North powering over to me. Hands grabbed my arms, pulling me back toward his body.
“Don’t you walk off like this,” he barked in my ear.
It wasn’t mean, he wasn’t hurting me, but it was aggressive and I was too angry in the moment to be forgiving.
What happened next, I would never remember how I got the nerve and how I ever managed it.
My hands shot up over my head, grabbing his ears. I yanked, bending forward.
North sailed over me.
He landed on his back in a heap on the driveway.
I gasped, stunned by what I just did.
“Holy shit,” Nathan uttered.
“Kota,” Gabriel whined. “Mommy and daddy are fighting again.”
North coughed, scrambling to get up. “Sang,” he breathed out, guttural and low.
I leapt away from him, marching toward the house.
“Don’t let her go, Silas,” he ordered.
I was halfway through the garage when I felt a large hand encircle my bicep.
“Aggele mou,” he uttered in a softer tone. “Don’t ...”
“Let go Silas,” I whispered, sliding my eyes back to meet his face, feeling the tears starting to fall from eyes and unable to stop them. “Please.”
Silas’s deep eyes darken. He frowned, and slipped his fingers from my arm.
“Si
las! I said fucking hold her.”
I raced toward the house, dashed up the steps, slamming the door behind myself, and on them all.
DEAR AGONY
Upstairs, I entered my room and slammed the door behind myself there, too. I snapped the lock, knowing any of them could easily slip in if they wanted, but I needed to make a point. I was locking them out right now. I didn’t want them there.
I took a couple steps into my bedroom before I collapsed onto the carpet. On my knees, kowtowed in front of the wall. I sobbed into the fibers against my face. In my bowed position, I sought forgiveness from people who didn’t know I wanted it and I couldn’t control myself enough to ask yet. It was as if being in this position, making myself this uncomfortable, when it would have been easier to sit up and breathe, was what it would take to remove the wretched things I’d done.
I was probably dirtying the floor with bits of dust I would never be able to remove completely, but I couldn’t find the strength to pull myself out of the desolation. I choked. I cried. My chest felt as heavy as it had been suppressed inside that pile of dust. I’d yelled at North. I said stupid things. I could have died. Silas probably thought I was mad at him, too. Luke had appeared so scared. The others probably thought I was a monster. Did I even mean what I’d said? Maybe, but not the way I’d said it. North drew out the feelings I’d locked away.
Didn’t he understand? Didn’t he know that I didn’t say things like that because I didn’t want him to hate me? I wanted to trust him. I wanted to trust all of them. I was trying so hard, but I didn’t know my place. It made it more difficult.
For years, I knew everything that was expected of me. I knew who I was supposed to be. Sang Sorenson, the girl with the dying mother who had to stay home in her room. Within that boundary, I commanded myself. I took care of myself. With them, I had no idea who I was any more. The role I’d had was stripped from me, and I was shoved into something new.
It wasn’t just with them. It was the empty house I still clung to. It was all I had of my old life. It was discovering I had a stepmother, someone I hadn’t heard from since she went into the hospital. My sister, depressed and lost as I, I had disappointed her by not calling our dad like I was supposed to.