Would things change once they got back to the city? Once he'd returned to his family and fulfilled that obligation?
She'd like to say yes. That the way he'd looked at her and spoken of her meant that this was simply temporary. But after their first kiss, he had reunited with his family . . . and then told her he'd made a mistake.
Was she, to him, like the shopkeeper's daughter? A pointless fancy for a casteless boy? She'd told him none of that mattered, but it did, to him. If he got caste from the emperor, would that change?
If he returned home. If his brother and sister were safe. If he got caste. An endless string of ifs, like mountains to be climbed, and there was no way of seeing how many more waited, whether there was indeed an end.
Was that what her dreams of Ronan amounted to? Endless obstacles? And perhaps, if they did end, the biggest one of all: the realization that, as much as he enjoyed her company, he had other plans, other dreams, of a lover he could marry, children of his own.
Ashyn could not wed, and could only have a child with the dispensation of the emperor himself. She might dream of a lifelong love, an informal partnership, but a man could want more. Even if she was happy to say, "Don't worry where this will lead--let's be happy together for as long as we can be," it might not be enough for him.
Was it worth risking her heart? Risking her dignity? Risking the pain of rejection?
Ronan shifted in his sleep, his hand gripping her hip, his face burrowing deeper into her hair, his sleepy voice whispering softly.
"Ash, my Ash . . ."
Ashyn smiled and let her hand rest on his with a soft squeeze. Yes, it was worth it. This was about her. Her choice. Her heart to let break. And if it did, she would still have the memory of a boy in a dragon's den, one perfect night when anything had seemed possible and nothing else had mattered but them.
It was enough. Her heart. Her choice. Her Ronan.
When Ashyn woke, she was alone on her sleeping pallet. Well, Tova was there, but Tova was always there. Ronan was gone, which did not come as any surprise. He'd have slipped out with the dawn, before anyone realized where he'd spent the night. She stretched and immediately regretted it. Her mouth felt like it was stuffed with sawdust. Her head pounded. Moving hurt. It just hurt.
She reached for her waterskin, opened it, and drank slowly but deeply. Alcohol dehydrated, as she knew from her healing studies. Preferably the water should be taken much sooner, but the problem with drinking to the point where she required water? She was past the point of being able to remember that she needed water.
"Mmmph," she said, lifting her head. "I hope today's preparations don't require movement. Or clear thought."
When Tova didn't make any answering noise, she lifted her head--gently--to see him still sprawled at her feet. His chest rose and fell in deep sleep.
"You didn't get into the wine, did you?" she said, laughing under her breath.
She shifted down her pallet to pat his neck. When he still didn't move, alarm darted through her and she sat up quickly--too quickly--nearly vomiting as her stomach rocked. Tova opened one eye and snarled a yawn.
"You're fine," she said. "Just as tired as I am. Do you think we ought to get up?"
He snor
ted and closed his eye.
"Good idea," she said, and stretched out with her head on his flank. "We'll sleep until we're woken."
She didn't even get her blanket pulled up before someone scratched at the door. It wasn't Ronan. He would walk in saying, "You dressed?" without actually giving her time to fix the situation if she wasn't.
"Who is it?" she called.
"Edwyn."
She groaned under her breath and murmured to Tova, "That didn't take nearly long enough." Then she called, "I'll be out shortly."
"May I come in? I must speak to you."
She looked down at herself. She still wore her clothing from yesterday.
"Yes," she said.
She sat up and tried to run her fingers through her hair, but as the sunlight hit her, she winced and shielded her face. Edwyn gave a soft laugh and closed the tent flap behind him.
"More wine than you are accustomed to, child?"