"Trying," I said, barely able to get the word out. "It showed she'd been...trying."
I met her gaze. "Seanna used to lock Gabriel in a cubby hole while she whored. Once, she left him there for days. When she tried to put him back in after that, he panicked. So she started dropping him off at the playground. For hours. Sometimes all night, because you know, it'd just be inconvenient to get out of bed after the guy leaves and have to go pick up your four-year-old son at the playground. Your four-year-old son."
When I saw Rose's expression, I wanted to suck the words back in. Instead, I sat there, my heart slamming, the voice in my head screaming that I'd fucked up, screwed up, betrayed a trust, hurt someone who did not deserve to be hurt.
"I... I..." Rose said. "I didn't--"
I pushed the chair back and scrambled up. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have--"
"No," she said, rising. "You should have. If that is what Seanna was doing, I needed to know."
I shook my head and paced across the room. "Gabriel wouldn't want you to. He never wanted you to know how bad it got, back then, and he doesn't want you to know now. He knows you...you feel guilty over not doing more, but you tried--he understands that, and you never realized how bad it was, because that was his choice. It's still his choice and--" I pressed my palms to my eyelids. "And now I've..."
Hot tears filled my eyes. "God, that was stupid. I'm sorry. To both of you, I'm really, really--"
Her arms went around me in an awkward embrace. "If Gabriel doesn't want me to know, then there's no reason he needs to know that I do."
I pulled back and looked at her with a twisted smile. "Isn't that how we get in these situations? Keeping secrets for someone's own good?" I exhaled. "No, I have to tell him. It's uncomfortable, and he doesn't want to be that person. It makes him feel like a victim. I tell him he's a survivor, not a victim."
She squeezed my arm. "I know you didn't mean to tell me, Liv, but I'm glad you did. This was another one of those secrets--we keep it to protect someone, and it just makes everything so much worse. If I had any idea--any--" Her breath caught. "I would never have agreed to have Seanna stay in Cainsville."
"But I did know, and I still supported her staying."
"For me. Because I wanted it, and you thought you could protect Gabriel from her, and I..." She nodded. "You're right. I wanted some form of reconciliation."
"I think that's possible," I said carefully, "maybe even necessary--for him--but not like this. He needs to be in a situation where no one gives a damn whether he chooses to see Seanna or not. Where it is entirely up to him. Where he doesn't feel he's pleasing--or displeasing--either of us by doing it. No guilt. No pressure. No judgment."
She nodded. "Yes. That's what I wanted, but it wouldn't matter how often I told him that I didn't care whether he came--he knew I did. I realized he might be uncomfortable. I just... I thought it was best. For her, yes, but mostly for him."
"The temporary discomfort of a scab before healing."
"Yes. But with her bringing up the playground and other memories, he was more than uncomfortable. He must have been."
"He hides it well." As I moved back to my chair, I said, "Is there any chance--?" Then I cut myself off with a shake of my head.
"What?"
I hesitated before saying, carefully, "It's entirely possible that Seanna only remembers taking him to playgrounds and presumes it was a good memory for him."
"But is there any chance she knows better?"
"Yes."
Rose was silent for a minute, and I was about to move on, just let the possibility sit there, no need to pursue it. Then she said, "I don't know, Liv. I want to say no, that given her demeanor, it seems only that she recalls a playground, and there's no chance she could be tormenting--"
She inhaled sharply. "What you've told me says that things in their life together were even worse than I imagined. In light of that, I don't even know how to interpret her behavior. She insists on seeing him. She's very affectionate. She brings up memories. It could be exactly what I hoped--that she's forgotten the worst and is finally acting like a mother, but... I don't know. We need more time to assess this."
"More time without Gabriel around her."
"Definitely."
Twenty-two
Olivia
After leaving Rose, I drove back to the city, and I thought. I thought a lot. Then I made a couple of stops and a phone call before heading to the office.
"Any sign of the boss?" I asked as I walked in.