I like you just fine, Gwynn. I like those little glimpses into what was, those touchstones with the past. But right now, I want Gabriel.
One last mental shove, and I smelled the lake and Gabriel.
There. That's better.
I snuggled in, and he rubbed his thumb over my cheek.
"Still cold," he said, and tugged the blanket higher.
"At least I didn't fall in the water again," I said. "Now that was cold."
He went still, and I replayed my words, wondering if there was any other way to interpret them.
"The river, I mean," I said. "When we fell in the river."
I shivered for dramatic effect, but he stayed tense, his breathing slowed, his arms stiff around me.
Damn it. What did I do now?
"I...have a question," he said.
Now I was the one tensing. "Okay."
"If a thing occurred, and one party was not aware that it occurred, and the other party did not intend for it to occur, should the second party admit that it did? If the thing is a thing that may cause discomfort? The answer, I believe, should be no, that the second party should not admit to it. But if the second party worries that somehow the first party will find out, and in keeping the secret, the second party will seem complicit in the action, which will cause additional discomfort..."
I twisted to look up at him. "I have no idea what you're saying, Gabriel."
He nodded, a little curtly, and started to pull away.
Goddamn it, no. What was I supposed to say?
He stopped withdrawing and stayed still for a moment. Then he settled in, awkwardly now, as if he wasn't quite sure how he'd done it before.
"Let me simplify that," he said. "I'm going to tell you something you may not want to hear, and I hope I'm not doing it merely to assuage a guilty conscience, but if I am, I apologize."
"Noted."
"It's about your fall into the river. When I rescued you, you were cold, as you say. Very cold. Also unconscious, and as I was trying to warm you up, you--" He cut himself off and shook his head. "No. Not you. It was me. I may have..." Another head shake, sharper now. "There's no may about it. No equivocating. I did. That is to say, I..."
He trailed off.
"I kissed you, didn't I?" I said. "I was dreaming of swimming with Gwynn, to this place he had with Matilda, a cavern under the lake. I dreamed of that, and I kissed you."
After a moment, he said, carefully, "You may have started it, but that's no excuse. I did not...I didn't stop you. I..." He cleared his throat. "I thought you had regained consciousness, and I was having difficulty organizing my thoughts."
"Hypothermia causes mental confusion. I wasn't the only one freezing in that water."
"Yes." A pause. "I mean, no. While there may have been some of that, I'm not making excuses, Olivia. Once I was certain you were not conscious enough to know what you were doing, I stopped. But I let it proceed longer than I should have. I thought you knew what you were doing and I wasn't thinking straight and..."
He squeezed his eyes shut. "And that's more excuses, which dull an apology. Which is what this is. An apology. You were very clearly not aware of what you were doing, and I took advantage of that, however inadvertently, and I want to apologize."
"There's no need."
"Yes, there--"
"No." I twisted on his lap and looked him square in the face. "I'm not trying to deny you an apology, Gabriel. I'm saying it honestly isn't necessary."
Because the dream may have started with Gwynn and Matilda, but when I was kissing Gabriel, I'd been dreaming of kissing him.