“Linnzi—” my mother started.
I held up a hand and shook my head. “Let me get this out, Mom. The whole time I was in Paris, I knew…I knew Nolan was out there. I may not have been able to put a name or a face to him, but he came to me in my dreams every night. I never once dreamt about Amanda. Never once dreamt about being pregnant. And I know how much I longed for her. How desperately I wanted to start a family with Nolan. Yet I blocked her from my mind completely.”
I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat and looked down at where my hands lay in my lap. “I was so afraid to remember that feeling of loss that I simply shut down that part of my mind.” I let out a humorless laugh.
My mother cleared her throat before she spoke. “The doctors told us that you blocked Nolan for that very reason. He was so afraid that if you saw him again or remembered him that it would trigger that moment for you. He said it was the worst moment of his life, and he didn’t want you to have to live it all over again.”
“Well, he didn’t have the luxury of forgetting it, so I’m not sure why he felt like he needed to give that space to me.”
“He loves you, Linnzi. And at the time, we all thought it was the right thing to do. We figured it would maybe be a few weeks, a couple of months. The doctors told us to be prepared for you to ask about the accident. You never did, though. Not a single question. Then six months turned into a year. That turned into two,” my mom said. “When you left for France, Nolan…he sort of lost himself for a while. He signed up for test pilot school and started to do dangerous things. Your father and I knew why. That boy has lost so much in his short life. His parents, his daughter, you. He needed something to take him away, and he found it—I’m just not sure it gave him the relief he was seeking.”
My father cleared his throat and added, “Your mother and I sometimes wondered if he wasn’t walking the line in hopes that…I don’t even want to say it.”
“No, he wouldn’t do that,” I said. “I think he needed the adrenaline rush to forget. Nolan lost more than any of us.”
“You’re not angry with him?” my mother asked, hope lacing her voice.
With a half shrug, I replied, “I’m not angry at the decision he made at the time. I am, however, angry that he let it go on for as long as he did. We could have…we would have moved on together. Healed together. Maybe even had another baby or two.”
“You still can!” my mother said. “Linnzi, you’re still young. You can still have all of that.”
I gave her a soft smile. “I’m not going to leave him, Mom. I love him. Nolan makes me feel…”
My voice trailed off, and this time I covered my mouth to hold back the sob that bubbled up in my throat. After I composed myself, I went on. “He makes me feel complete. I know he blames himself for the accident. This past week, everything he’s done since I came back from France has replayed in my mind. Every gesture he’s made, everything he said to me. When Nolan flew us back from California and he landed here in Texas, I saw the fear on his face and I pretended like I didn’t. At the time I don’t think I even realized it. But looking back, I didn’t even think twice about how hard that had been for him. I’ve been through a gauntlet of emotions this past week and honestly, I see why I blocked it all out. But it’s time to move forward. I want to be with Nolan, and I know I just moved back and I have a wonderful job opportunity, but I need to be with Nolan. When he comes back I’m going to ask him to marry me, and I’m moving to California to be with him.”
My mother and father exchanged a quick glance, then looked back at me. My father spoke first, and I could hear the love in his voice. “We will support you with whatever decision you make, sweetheart.”
Nodding her head in agreement, my mother added, “Yes. We, um, well, we don’t want to see you leave us, but we are behind you one-hundred percent.”
I stood and made my way over to them. My father pulled me in for a hug and held me for the longest time. “I love you, sweetheart. I’m so sorry, baby girl. So sorry.”
I wiped a tear away and then stepped back. “I love you too, Daddy.”