A single tear slipped free, and I reached up and wiped it away. My thoughts had been consumed with the past life my mind had blocked out, and with the realization that I had a two-month-old daughter who had died. My grief moved through endless stages, from sadness to anger, as I tried to figure out why everyone decided it would be best to let me forget her. Then came the guilt. Nolan had not only lost our daughter, but me as well. We had been set to get married that weekend. I closed my eyes and thought about the pained look on his face when he told me about the plane wreck. He blamed himself. I knew he did, and I knew that was part of the reason he walked away from me.
“Oh, Nolan.”
When I saw the sonogram, I was stunned by the rush of memories that hit me all at once. The emotions were overwhelming. The realization that I had lost a daughter, that Nolan had lost a daughter. That I had lost eight years of my life all because my mind had blocked it all out. It had been too much. The alone time had been selfish in a way, and I knew I was worrying everyone, but I honestly needed to just be in my own head. To get my thoughts and everything in order. I needed to process, and I couldn’t do that if everyone was standing around me asking me if I was okay.
My phone buzzed on my lap, but I didn’t bother to look and see who it was. Most likely my mother. She told me Nolan had gone back to Edwards Air Force Base since his leave was up. She also told me he wasn’t doing well. Saryn had told me the same thing. I had called her and she’d said that Truitt had to get Jack to fly Nolan back in his plane. Nolan had taken to drinking himself numb, and I honestly couldn’t blame him. I knew shutting him out was wrong, but I couldn’t get through this any other way right now. Nolan had eight years to come to terms with our baby dying. This was all new waters I was navigating, and I needed to do it by myself.
I had called Dr. Brooks and spoke with her over the phone a couple of days after I showed up at the lake house. She had explained Nolan’s reasons for not telling me. It made sense; he was worried for me and wanted the memories to come back on their own. But on the flip side, it made no sense at all that he had been willing to walk away from our love. From the life we could have had. Yes, it would have been hard to get over the loss of Amanda, but we could have done it together. He had taken that away from us. Away from me. And what if I had never remembered? Would he have held onto the lie indefinitely?
It dawned on me right then that Nolan had said that he needed to talk to me the night of the dinner. The same night I had stumbled upon the sonogram. He’s said that what he was going to say had to do with the accident, and that he couldn’t put it off any longer.
I closed my eyes and let out a pained moan. “Oh no. He was going to tell me about Amanda.”
Why had it taken me this long to remember that Nolan had said he needed to talk to me? He was going to tell me. And hadn’t he tried to tell me the same day he told me about the plane accident? But it was me who told him to stop. I didn’t want to know anymore, because deep down inside I knew it was bad. I somehow knew, and yet, I was still attempting to block it.
“Dear God,” I whispered as I stood and stared out over the water. Had I subconsciously known and not wanted Nolan to tell me? Was my mind that powerful that I simply refused to remember? I had instantly known there was something between me and Nolan that day at Saryn and Truitt’s house. The moment he turned and I saw him, I felt the love between us. There had been no denying I felt it. Truth be told, I felt it that day in Paris too. I hadn’t been able to remember our past, but I had certainly remembered our love.
I brought my hand to my mouth and shook my head, feeling so dazed and confused. “Nolan, what have we done to each other?”
Suddenly, I had the overwhelming urge to talk to Nolan. I turned and grabbed my phone from the table I had placed it on. There was an unread text message. I gasped when I saw who it was from.