“I did this. It was my fault. It was my fault,” I said as I felt my entire body shake from crying so hard. “I promised her I would take care of her and Amanda. I promised her. I broke that promise.”
I jerked my head back and slammed it against the wall. “I fucking promised her, and I let her down. I let her down. I took away every dream she had, and then I fucking left her like a coward. I figured she was better off without me in her life. If she didn’t remember us, then maybe it was for the best.”
Jack knelt down and placed his hand on my shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “Nolan, have you ever talked to anyone about losing Amanda? After all these years?”
I lifted my head and met his gaze. His question seemed so strange, because why would I need to talk to someone? I frowned. “No.”
Jack turned and looked at Truitt. Something passed between them, and Truitt said, “Maybe you need to talk to someone, Nolan.”
With a shake of my head, I softly said, “No. If I’m going to talk to anyone about Amanda, it’s going to be with Linnzi. I need to find her.”
Jack sighed. “What are you going to do in the meantime? You’re due back at Edwards in two days, Nolan. You’ve got to get your shit together.”
I stared down at a spot on the kitchen floor for what seemed like forever. The alcohol-induced haze was slowly lifting and things were becoming more and more clear. I finally asked Jack, “How did you get here?”
Jack cleared his throat. “On a plane.”
Narrowing my gaze at him, I asked, “Did you fly commercial?”
He nodded. “I only bought a one-way ticket. I came as soon as Truitt called me.”
I exhaled and then managed to get myself into a standing position. “I’m tired. I’m going to go to sleep, and then you can fly us back to Edwards tomorrow. You can crash in the spare bedroom upstairs. Take a right at the top of the stairs—it’s the last door on the right.”
“You need anything, Nolan? Food or coffee?” Truitt asked.
“No. I just want to sleep.”
As I started to walk out of the kitchen, I glanced over at my phone, which was sitting on the floor. I guess I had knocked it off the table when I went after Jack. I reached down and picked it up, praying for a missed call or a text. I looked and saw nothing.
My feet felt like lead as I walked through the house, up the stairs, and to my room. I slammed the door shut behind me and face planted onto the bed. Then I prayed I wouldn’t dream. For once, I wanted to sleep in peace and not dream about Amanda or Linnzi.
“Please, I’m begging you, don’t let me dream,” I whispered as I closed my eyes and felt sleep take over.Two days later, I sat in my commanding officer’s living room and smiled up at him as he handed me a beer. “Thank you for seeing me this evening, sir.”
He gave me a quick nod and a smile. “I spoke with Jack before he left to go to Texas. Needless to say, I wasn’t surprised when you handed in your letter of resignation.”
I remained silent as I stared at the beer in my hand.
“How are you doing, Nolan?”
I lifted my gaze and met his. “Honestly?”
He gave me one curt nod.
“Not so hot, sir. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the last few days, and I feel like the best thing for me to do is resign my commission and leave the Air Force. I’ve served my required time and I feel it is the best decision I can make at this time. My heart’s not where it needs to be right now, sir.”
Lieutenant Colonel Williams lifted his beer to his mouth and took a long drink as he looked at me. I concentrated on my breathing, not wanting him to see how nervous I actually was sitting here. I thought this was going to be one of the hardest things I would ever do, but in reality, it felt like it was the absolute right thing to do.
When he lowered his beer, he looked out the window and then back at me. “Are you sure this is what you want to do, Nolan?”
I felt my head pop back slightly at his use of my first name. I wasn’t sure why it surprised me. I was sitting in his living room, for Pete’s sake. I cleared the frog in my throat and spoke. “Yes, sir. I think, no, I know the place I need to be right now is Texas. As much as I love the Air Force and serving my country, I love Linnzi more. I need to figure out a way to make this right and help her heal. Help us both heal, I suppose.” I looked down at the floor for a brief moment before focusing back on him. “I can’t do that when I’m stationed halfway across the country. I’ve been running for too long, sir. It’s time I faced my demons. It’s not just about mourning the loss of eight years with Linnzi and losing our daughter. It’s losing my folks as well.”