"So how big a . . . thing . . . could he could take comfortably?"
"Maybe you should stick to the basics the first time out. Restraints, mild flogging, psychological domination. He can also perform oral sex on you, bring you to climax, that kind of thing."
"You'd prefer that to the strap-on."
"This isn't about me."
"Isn't it?"
He straightened then, putting the coffee aside. "Don't play games with me, Madison."
"I'm not." She slid off the tailgate, suddenly uncomfortable. He caught her arm, standing up as well.
"I get your desire to explore this from all sides," he said firmly, "but that doesn't alter what's developing between us. You know where a session ends and a relationship begins. I don't have an on/off switch. My expertise in this area doesn't replace my emotions. You push me, I will push back. No, I don't like the idea of you doing this with Troy. That first time, when you were watching me conduct a session with Troy, how would you have felt if I'd been working with a woman instead? Tying her up, touching her, bringing her to orgasm?"
"I . . . well, you hardly knew me then, and . . ."
"How would you feel about it now?"
She recoiled, and his eyes flickered. "At some point you have to decide which side of the line you're on," he said. "You have to close the door behind you and stay awhile, settle in and see where this takes us. We're still close enough to the beginning stages we can have fun with it, but I don't think there's any question we're headed down a more serious path. So this thing with Troy, is it a true desire, a desire to explore more about yourself, or is it a way to hold me at arm's length, keep me as the ringmaster of your personal circus?"
She didn't care to have a mirror shined so fully on her internal machinations, but that was part and parcel with Logan. He'd dropped his grip on her arm so she stood before him of her own volition. She wasn't backing away, but she didn't really know where to go, either.
"I've stepped wrong so many times, Logan," she said at last. "I've known what it is to feel a man lose interest, to realize he'd never loved me as much as I thought he did. Not once, but seven times, as if I'm some kind of dysfunctional half-wit who can't get a clue."
He made a noise of protest, because he never let her get away with self-deprecation, but this time she pressed on, needing to make the point. "It's really hard to take that leap again. Particularly because of how you are. With time, I could see the weaknesses in the guys I was involved with, weaknesses you don't have. You're a decent, amazing man, and you affect me in a way no one else has. We've only known each other for a short time, but if I saw that loss of interest in your eyes, it would break me in a way none of the others did. I'd be done, finished. This time for good, because I don't think another miracle like you would show up to help convince me otherwise."
When he stepped forward, this time she did back away, shaking her head. He stopped, extended a hand. "Come here, Madison."
She did. He clasped her hand but didn't close the distance, letting her breathe. "I'm sorry," he said. "I let my temper get the best of me. I wasn't as impartial about this as I'd intended to be. The day took kind of a shitty turn."
"I know. I'm sorry," she said, meaning it. "I came out to offer support and friendship, not give you something else to be angry about. I really hate that my baggage fucks things up so often, makes things about me, especially when it's not supposed to be about me at all."
He tightened his hand on hers. "I'll accept your apology if you'll accept mine."
"Done." She swung their hands back and forth, making his lips quirk. "Actually, it's kind of nice to see you lose your cool now and then. You're scary calm sometimes."
"You should see me when a vendor screws up an order." He smiled, but then considered her thoughtfully. "Did you ever choose the men you were with, Madison? Or did they choose you?"
She thought about that, about the mutual flirtation that heralded the beginning of a relationship. She'd never approached a man; he'd always approached her. Sometimes she'd have an interest in someone else, perhaps the man's friend or someone else in the same department or club where they met, but once a man showed interest in her, she would abandon any thought of pursuing another.
"They chose me."
That muscle flexed in Logan's jaw. "So your desires and wants never really entered into it. You're the type of person who takes the ingredients you're given and turns it into a cake. But you never put yourself into the ingredients, your choice or will. I am a choice for you, Madison. A submissive has power. She makes the choice of whom to hand her leash. Look at what you want for yourself. Whether or not we end up finding something worth keeping or we have to part ways when all's said and done, make sure your will and desires are part of it. Then neither one of us will have regrets."
Madison's surprised gaze lifted to his face, but he wasn't finished. "On top of that, you are an amazing, special miracle in your own right. If you see good qualities in me, I appreciate that, but you have to give credit where it's due. I'd like to think we're bringing out the best in each other, because that's what a good relationship does."
Giving her fingers a final caress, he let her go. "Think about that, and I'll see you Friday. It might be good to think about what you want there as well. As far as whether this is about what he wants or what you want, the answer is both. Troy will be yours for the night. You're responsible for his pleasure, as much as seeking your own."
He returned the coffee cup to her, took the cake. As he moved to the back entrance of his storeroom, she turned the cup over in her hand. "Logan? Will you help me? Help me make sure I do that for him?"
He turned at the door, gave her a tired look that twisted her heart. "I'll do anything you need, Madison. Except be something you settle for."
"Before you asked . . . you seemed like you knew that they chose me," she said slowly. "In my other relationships. Why is that?"
He held her gaze, a clasp as intimate as his hand curled around hers. "Because of what I told you earlier. I knew you were that type of submissive from the beginning. There are a lot of people who enjoy the role, who even have the orientation, but they aren't that way down to heart and soul. You are. Which means I'm going to make damn sure you choose me. I don't want you any other way."
She wasn't sure how to interpret that statement, but she did know being classified and tagged wasn't something she necessarily accepted. Maybe with the thing with Troy, she'd show him a different side. She'd show herself a different side.