Chris's eyes sharpened, but Geoff was still staring at his hands. "In the kitchen, how you pulled away, it seemed like you found me repulsive. I've never wished to be different, never thought I was wired that way. But if you can't handle this part of me . . . I don't mean handle it--you don't have to be a part of that to be my best friend, but what I mean is, if this part of me is something that turns your stomach . . ."
Chris blinked at the break in his voice. The last time Geoff had been moved to tears had been when his mother rejected him. He'd had that same flat tone, the rug pulled out from under his world while he tried to act like it hadn't been, to prove he was strong enough to deal with it. He had been, but without understanding and support, that strength might have warped into something so different.
Just like that, the anger and isolation that had gripped Chris so hard, putting him in a vacuum, gave way to much stronger feelings. They reconnected him. This was Geoff. The person who knew him better than anyone. Chris had never thought anyone would get him as Geoff did, until he'd met Sam.
Geoff lifted his head, and his expression was wooden. Braced. "Is that what it is, Chris? Is this something you can't handle about me? About yourself?"
"No, shit. Stop." Chris moved to the bench and sat down next to Geoff, shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip. "I got lost in my head, Geoff. When you took over, it's like I became an object, or because I don't totally get what this is, and why I react the way I do, the connection was lost. I felt by myself."
The hurt in Geoff's face was replaced by a cautious understanding, followed by chagrin. "I'd never want you to feel that way, Chris. I hope you know that." His lip curled, a wry, sad little smile, and he nudged him. "I love you, man."
Chris chuckled at that. Things weren't right, but there was less constriction around his chest, less of a cold knot in his stomach. "'Yeah, you know you always be getting emotional after gunfights,'" he said, imitating Will Smith's Bad Boys line.
Geoff's lips curved, more genuine. He took a breath. "You're not much of a talker, Chris, and that's cool, but I hope you know you can talk to me about any of this, even if what you say doesn't feel like it makes sense. You don't have to make sense to me. It's the same for Sam. In a weird-ass way, that's what a lot of it's about. Having feelings that you can't express with words. So when you're ready, you can just throw what's on your mind out there, and I won't say anything until or unless you want me to."
It was tempting to take that when you're ready as an excuse to leave it alone right now, but with emotions raw between them, Chris knew it needed to be now. And he was ready, as long as Geoff wasn't needing it to make sense. That was kind of a relief.
"Okay." He laid his hand on Geoff's leg, closed his fingers over the taut column, feeling the shift of muscle as Geoff reacted to the touch. Chris slid his thumb in a windshield-wiper motion over it. The folding of the jeans around Geoff's groin, outlining what was there, was an intriguing terrain that Chris studied absently, aware of Geoff watching him, motionless as a hawk.
"I always thought I trusted you more than anyone, that I didn't hold anything back from you. But I guess I realized . . . hell, you know it connects to my
dad leaving Mom and me. In some weird, shitty way I realized focusing so much on caring for you, it also sort of became a shield. I didn't really know how to let you take care of me, because that would let you all the way in. Shit, I am so screwing this up . . ."
"No," Geoff said. "You're not. Keep going."
Chris pressed his lips together and met his eyes. "That belt thing, you broke something open, man. The whole universe turned on its axis in less than a week. The stuff that's there, that you do or want to do, it's stuff that a part of me wants. It's been in this closed room I knew about but kind of bypassed, if that makes sense. So now the rest of me is trying to catch up." He sighed, removing his hand. "Maybe because you have always gotten things about me so I didn't have to explain them, I was hoping you could explain to me what the hell is happening. Because honest to God, man, I'm not sure."
As he stared moodily at the ground, Geoff looped his arm over Chris's shoulders, his elbow pressing between Chris's shoulder blades as he lifted his hand to tousle Chris's hair. The affectionate gesture became a light grip on Chris's nape that reminded him of the heated sex they'd just had but also told him he had Geoff's total attention, his support.
"Is this okay?" Geoff asked in a low voice. At Chris's look, he lifted a shoulder. "You said you wanted me to ask."
Chris closed his eyes. "Yeah, it's okay. And you don't always have to ask."
It was when he thought about things too hard he would think himself into silence, the layers too complicated to parse and fit into sentences that other people would understand. But Geoff had said it didn't have to make sense. He tried not to think when he opened his mouth this time.
"I didn't think about it directly until we got to this point, with Sam. When I watched the two of you together, all this need and desire came up so hard and strong in my chest, for both of you, and I don't know where to go with it, what to do with it. I sure as hell don't know what to do about how you are. Because I'm not like her. I know I keep saying that like you have a hearing problem, but do you know it?"
"Did it feel like I was treating you like her just now? At the workbench?"
"Yeah, somewhat. But no. I don't know. I can't tell what's you, and what's me being messed up about it. I want to hit you and I want you inside me, like you just were." Chris blew out a breath. "Now I'm having trouble saying it. I wanted you to fuck me, but I also wanted to take your head off your shoulders."
"If you let me fuck you, then hit me, it will go better for me, because you won't hit as hard."
Chris snorted but Geoff touched his leg. "Look at me, Chris. I want to say something, to make sure you really hear this, so you know you don't have to keep saying it. Though if you need to keep saying it to help you, I have no problem with that. Let me know when you're ready to hear it."
He went quiet and waited on Chris. Chris watched Ron fly to the top of the aviary and swoop down, ruffling Hermione's feathers as he went by. It made Harry hop up and down on his perch and fuss. When at last Chris nodded, he didn't have to look at Geoff to know he was watching Chris, waiting for that cue.
"You're a mix of things, Chris, a bloody unpredictable mix. There are parts of you that, yeah, want to follow my lead, follow orders. But not necessarily to submit. I get the difference. I have room in me to figure out how to handle both of those things if you do. You get that? You don't have to ride any ride that doesn't interest you. But I push because that's part of my makeup, especially when I sense something in you that responds to it. Right?"
Chris nodded again. He couldn't deny it. Geoff's gaze sparked with that look that made Chris aroused and uncomfortable at once, but then Geoff carefully reined it back. "In that world, there's something called a safe word. Maybe what we need is something like that, so if something doesn't feel right to you, you just say that, and it stops."
"But the problem is, it feels right but wrong. Like too much candy. Or maybe like something else needs to happen first for the rest to work."
"What do you think that is?"
Chris knew, but he wasn't sure he could say it out loud. They'd finally hit on the root of the problem. He could say he wanted to think about it awhile longer, but it wasn't going to get easier. Plus, Geoff had opened his heart to him, made himself vulnerable, and Chris wouldn't leave him out there alone. So he said it.
"I've never given my heart to anyone," he said. "Not really. I mean, I think you're the first person beyond my mom that I loved. Really loved, and not in the roses-and-candy way. Kind of like when we watched The Mighty . . . that kind of thing, between Max and Kevin." Thank God they'd watched a million movies together, so they could patch in some emotional context without him having to wrangle it out. "Then there's Sam, showing up in the mix, and I realize whatever that is, I have it for her, too. Bam, two people, a man and a woman, the only people I've loved in my life. My first loves, either gender."