“It wasn’t like that,” I argued, but he didn’t hear me or care.
“I love you, Sailor. I won’t let you make this choice and hurt us both.”
Creed wasn’t a mistake. Griff was giving me excuses and I didn’t want excuses for what I’d done. I had made a choice and it was the one I wanted. Seeing Griff again and hearing him say he loved me made words difficult. He wasn’t accepting the truth and I was struggling with the strength to force him to listen to it. The love I had for Griff was strong enough to make me want to protect him.
“Griff, I love you. That isn’t enough though. I am in love with Creed. I think I always have been.” I hated saying the words again and this time to his face, but he was forcing me to.
Griff scowled and shook his head. “Really? You think what you feel for him is different than what we have? A grownup relationship that didn’t start when we were children. I would never, NEVER walk away from you the way he did. No matter what happened because I am a man. What we have is different and what you feel is different because it’s the kind of thing adults feel. It’s not that silly, goofy shit you feel as a kid. It’s the hard times, the good times, the boring as hell times. It’s what is real, Sailor.”
I knew he believed everything he was saying, and in most cases, he was right. Just not in our case. Yes, some young loves didn’t work, okay most didn’t, but what Creed and I had…have was different. We were the few that found our soulmate at a young age.
“I don’t want to hurt you anymore. Standing here arguing with you about this is not helping anything,” I pleaded with him. I didn’t want to tell him how very wrong he was and point out the reasons why. I’d done enough damage. Tears were stinging my eyes and I wished more than anything that this was over.
Griff closed the distance between us and I froze, unsure what to do. He wasn’t listening to me and I was starting to feel guilty that he was here without Creed knowing. I should have texted Creed and told him. This felt like I was lying to Creed and now that Griff was in front of me and so close to me, I wanted to scream from the confusion of it all.
“Do you know where this man you think you are in love with is right now?” he asked me.
I nodded, hoping Griff wasn’t wanting to go brawl it out with Creed and thankful Creed was an hour away from here.
“Are you sure?” he asked me then.
“Yes. He’s at Red’s. He has a gig tonight with that band,” I told him, feeling as if he was now accusing Creed of something.
Griff snarled at the explanation. “Yeah, he’s at fucking Red’s. I was there an hour and a half ago. I needed to drink until I wasn’t hurting so damn bad. Imagine my surprise when I walked in and saw the man who had taken the only woman I have ever loved away from me sitting in a corner with some bimbo on his lap. He was smiling and acting like he owned the damn world while he had just taken my world away from me.”
My stomach churned and I felt bile rise in my throat. I was going to be sick. I didn’t want to believe Griff, but I knew him enough to know he wasn’t a liar. Griff was honest and straight forward. He didn’t do cool or play games. He was practical and dependable. I knew from the look on his face that everything he was telling me was true.
The tragedy of it all was it changed nothing.
Creed had said he loved me, but he had never said we were exclusive. He had never promised me a future. He had promised me orgasms and he’d delivered. That was it. Knowing this didn’t make it hurt less. My chest felt as if it had been ripped open and I knew as the tears streamed down my face I deserved this. Every moment of it.
“Okay, if that’s what you needed to say, you said it,” I managed to get out over the emotion clogging my throat. I moved to the door then and opened it. “You can go. We’ve said all there is to say.”
Griff didn’t move. “I didn’t come here to hurt you. I came here to tell you that you’re making a mistake and throwing us away for nothing. I forgive you, Sailor. I love you too much not to.”
I shook my head and wiped at the stupid tears that had fallen. I wasn’t going to cry in front of Griff. “I slept with another man while we were together. Maybe you can forgive that but I can’t. I may have made a mistake with Creed, but it is done. I care about you enough to want you to have someone worthy of your love. You deserve to be loved completely. You deserve someone’s whole heart. You can never have mine,” I stopped there. It was that simple. Even if Creed and I weren’t what I had thought. Even if he was damaged and could never love me alone. I could never love Griff the way he should be loved.