“Hailey,” I said, pointing toward the door.
He grimaced and sat down next to me. “Theo’s an ass**le.” He paused. “But he has the best weed.” I smiled at Ryan, and he laid his head on my shoulder, whispering to me, “There’s a boy in the bushes still.”
“I figured that much.”
“He’s not ready to come out yet.”
So much meaning in such few words.
Ryan glanced over to Tiffany, who was passed out on the porch. “Tiffany!” He pounded his fist on the wooden steps, getting her attention. “Tiffany! Wakey-wakey eggs and bacony!”
One of her eyes opened and she giggled. “Ryan,” she breathed, tossing her hands in the air in excitement, “I soo want to f**k you right now.”
She kept laughing, running her hands over her face. I was trying my best to see the pros of partying…but they were making it easy for me to want to keep reading.
Ryan snickered and turned back to me. “I soo don’t want to f**k her.” I swear there was a split second where his eyes looked so sad.
“There’s a lot to you, isn’t there?”
“I could say the same about you.” He paused. “Sometimes I feel like you’re hiding behind your books to avoid reality.”
I flinched at the truth to his words. He didn’t notice though.
“Can I tell you a secret?” he asked, pulling out his fake cigarette box and ‘lighting’ one up. “Because I feel like I can since you don’t know the people at school or anything. You’re an outsider. I need an outsider.”
“Of course.”
His stare was on the bushes, and a single tear fell down his cheek. “I’m not as happy as I pretend to be.”
“Why are you pretending?” I questioned.
He lowered his head, staring at his shoes. “Because pretending to be happy is almost like being happy. Until you remember that you’re only pretending. Then you’re sad. Really sad. Because wearing a mask every day of your life is the hardest thing to do. And after a while, you get a little scared because the mask becomes you.”
“Ryan…you’re not alone.” I pushed him in his shoulder. “And you never have to put the mask on around me.”
His lips turned up, and he whispered, “Ditto,” against my cheek before giving me a kiss.
Hailey came walking out the back door of the house and sat down on my other side, putting her head on my shoulder. “I hate him,” she whispered so softly. Ryan didn’t even hear her.
It was in that moment right there that I knew I was in the right place. I was lost, but so were they.
There were no maps to be found.
At least I wasn’t walking alone.
Chapter 12
I’ll lie to keep you safe,
I’ll lie to keep you warm.
I’ll lie to keep you away from the ugliest f**king storms.
~ Romeo’s Quest
A few weeks had passed since Ashlyn and I had found out about our situation. When October arrived, I was shocked by how much I still wanted her.
One morning, we walked into the school building at the same time. It was only for a second or two that our eyes connected. It was only a mere moment that we stared at one another, but I saw her hiccup, her nerves resting on the surface. When she turned away, I wanted to follow her.
But that was wrong, right?
What was wrong with me?
I thought without interacting in an intimate setting that my feelings would tail off. But they didn’t. They only grew each and every time I saw her step foot into my classroom. Sometimes I would catch her walking in with Ryan and the way she would smile when she spoke to him made me feel as if I were floating. Her smiles were addicting, and I wished they’d been created for me.
I hated that I couldn’t tell her how beautiful she looked each and every day. I hated that, when she walked into my classroom, I had to pretend that she wasn’t on my mind. I hated that she wouldn’t participate in class discussions, even though I knew she had all the right answers.
I hated how my other students looked at her. How they lusted after her. How they mocked her. How they bullied her. I hated that she mourned her sister’s death—by herself. I hated that she felt alone but never really showcased it.
I hated how much I missed her lips. Her laugh. Her smile.
I hated how close we were but how distant we felt.
I loved how beautiful she looked each and every day. I loved that, when she walked into my classroom, she was on my mind. I loved how she wouldn’t participate in class discussions, even though I knew she had all the right answers.
I loved how, when I graded her papers, I wasn’t biased. She was simply a genius. I loved how, when I went on runs, she joined me in the front of my mind. I loved how sometimes I would catch her in class staring at me with wonderment.
I loved how she ignored the other students’ insults. How she didn’t let the bullies win. How she didn’t falter. I loved how she was effortlessly beautiful. How she always wore dresses that hugged her, even though covering up might have helped shut the ass**les up.
I loved that she wore the dresses because they were her twin sister’s. I loved how she honored her sister’s memory with such simple gestures. I loved how she walked with confidence, even though she was nervous.
I loved how she moved. How she stood. How she sat.
I loved how distant we were but how close we felt.
Chapter 13
What can I do to show how I feel?
From the beginning to the end, we are real.
~ Romeo’s Quest
I was pretty pleased with myself. Even through the guys at school were hitting on me while they mocked my body, I ignored them. I ignored the rumors that started about me sleeping around (quite quickly, might I add.) I smiled at Daniel sometimes to make him realize that we didn’t have to be weird about the situation (even though I really wanted to cry, might I add.)