She shook her head. “It isn’t your fault.” She couldn’t pinpoint when she’d changed over the years, but she had. She’d thought putting her sordid past behind her meant she’d matured. Now she was beginning to question what part of the life she had now she’d chosen. Johnny had become her priority, and his hobbies, friends and work had become her hobbies, friends and work. She wanted more from herself and for herself, except that Johnny, with the greatest opportunity of his life ahead of him, still wasn’t stepping up to the plate. “If things were right between Johnny and me, I wouldn’t be here right now.”
“I thought you were happy with him,” Beau said. “At least it seemed that way from afar.”
“I was,” she said. “God, I am—I thought so. I had no idea anything was wrong. But you shook us up like a snow globe.”
“If you’re expecting an apology—”
“I’m not.” She glanced at him and away.
“Lola,” he called her attention back. “Come here.”
She leaned across the console. He put an arm around her, pulling her close so their mouths nearly touched.
“Was I a fatal mistake?” he whispered.
“No.” She shook her head slowly, holding his gaze. “Maybe.”
He chuckled quietly.
“But don’t think I’m going all psycho and dumping my boyfriend because of a couple nights of good sex.”
Beau jerked his head back. “Good? Fuck. That hurts.”
She rolled her eyes but smiled. “You know what I mean. Amazing.”
“You can do better than that.”
“You’ll hold it against me.”
“Probably.”
Her smile widened. “Fine. Sex so good I think I went blind for a few seconds. Unparalleled sex.”
“Unparalleled,” he mused. “Meaning unmatched. Nobody can match it. Meaning…the best sex you’ve ever had.”
She wriggled in his arms. “Don’t get cocky on me.”
“Hmm. I’d like to get cocky all over you,” he muttered, brushing hair from her forehead. “Should we go back? Have you had your fill of stars?”
“Never,” she said. “But it’s not like we have eternity.”
She went to pull away, but Beau’s arm tightened as he kept her there.
“What?” she asked.
“I just wanted to say…I don’t know what’ll happen when the sun comes up—”
“I go home,” she said,
“is what happens.”
He searched her face. “You should know how real this is for me.” He took her cheek with his other hand. “If ever there were a prize worth winning, you are it. Just know that these stars, this moment—it’s real. Everything I’m experiencing is real.”
She looked back and forth between his eyes, trying to read him. There was truth there, but it wasn’t the only thing. Something else brewed deeper. Something she didn’t recognize. What did he want to tell her? To leave Johnny for him? He couldn’t ask her to do it, but it was written on his face, woven in his touch.
“You don’t have to say anything,” Beau said. “We both knew what we were getting into. I just hope we each find what we need come sunrise.”
What we need. Foolishly, she rarely considered what Beau needed, because he was always a pillar of strength. Maybe that was how Johnny saw her. Someone strong who didn’t need much, and who was better at taking care of herself than anyone else would ever be.
She pushed Beau gently back against the driver’s seat, keeping her eyes on his face. She felt under his T-shirt and up his flat stomach. He was warm and hard under her hand. His head fell back, and his eyes closed. His Adam’s apple bobbed when he swallowed. “When’s the last time someone touched you like this?”
He didn’t answer.
“Not to get anything,” she said. “Just to feel.”
“A while,” he said. The gravel in his voice made his answer almost unintelligible. “Maybe never.”
She caressed his chest. To hear him say never made her heart sink, made her feel lucky for the years of tenderness Johnny had given her. “Let’s go back to the hotel, Beau.”
He blinked his eyes open, looking up for a minute. “We have a few hours. Maybe we can get some sleep.”
“That’d be nice,” she said.
He started the car.
She didn’t tell him that she had no plans to sleep. That all she wanted to do was lie in his arms and try to stay awake.
12
The drive back to Beau’s hotel went quickly with the absence of traffic. On their way to Mulholland, there had been promise in the wind—now, just finality.
They took the exit for the hotel, and Beau pulled into a gas station and up to a pump. “I didn’t feed you tonight,” he said through her window once the tank was filling. “I’d planned on room service again.”